yesYou may be so vain that you think this article is about you. But in reality, if Carly Simon were to write her great revenge song now, half a century later, she would likely say, “You’re really a narcissist.” This doesn’t read very well, but it’s sure to go viral on social media regardless. We live in the age of narcissism. It’s both a word that epitomizes our entire self-centered culture and a weapon of choice in far too many petty relationship disputes. The only problem is, we’re using narcissism wrong.
“Narcissism has become a buzzword now and is really overused,” says Sarah Davies, a leading British expert on narcissism.
“‘That guy in the office told me “If he drinks tea, he must be a narcissist… My mother-in-law is a bit selfish and a narcissist.” This is a crazy story. And it goes from there into dangerous and unhelpful territory. If you look at how the field of narcissism has changed in the last 10 years, social media has bombarded people with unqualified self-proclaimed experts and the real understanding of narcissism is being lost.
“On the other hand, there are real narcissists out there. It’s frustrating that this dilutes how awful any relationship with a narcissist is, because it is so awful.”
Davis, now 43, weaves together some fascinating professional and personal perspectives on the epidemic of narcissism. The word narcissism is now so commonplace that we see it every day, in the adverts for divorce lawyers we pass in the morning, or in pub chats about politicians and lovers in the evening. In the 20th century, the word “narcissist” was rare, a fashionable synonym for “vain,” associated with a handsome hunter in Greek mythology who stared too long at his selfies. Even the actor Warren Beatty, muse to Carly Simon, couldn’t figure out the slang for the “n.”
However, according to Google Trends, the word “narcissist” skyrocketed as a search term in the UK and worldwide around 2016 and has remained high ever since. It’s a hashtag used in over 1 million videos on TikTok, but people with genuine narcissistic obsessions use the hashtag “narctok,” which has appeared in videos with over 2 billion views combined. Narctok is a gold rush, attracting a wild west variety of people creating content about narcissism, qualified by calling themselves life coaches or survivors of narcissism. A good example is narcissist guru Lee Hammock, who has 1.9 million followers on TikTok, describes himself as a recovering “diagnosed narcissist,” and has made hundreds of videos about narcissism (basically videos about himself). I’m amazed that he still has so much to say.
Dr. Sarah Davis: “There are several areas in your work and life where you’re more likely to spot a narcissist.”
I met with Davis, who told me she wanted to talk about true narcissists and the nasty impact they have on those they encounter, a topic she has just written, her second book. Raised by a narcissistabout dealing with a narcissistic parent, or cutting ties with them. But first, she takes a deep sigh, she has to begin wading through the now-messy flood of colloquialisms that the internet has revealed. Davies trained for 10 years as a chartered counselling psychologist and, after earning her PhD, one of her first jobs was at the Kusnacht Practice in Zurich, an addiction treatment centre for the world’s super-rich, which costs more than £100,000 a week.
“It was like stepping into a whole different world,” Davis said, “where I learned a lot about narcissistic abuse.”
Was the client a victim or a perpetrator?
“Both are fine. I’m not saying all rich and famous people are narcissists, but you’re more likely to find narcissists in certain areas of work and life. Narcissists are attracted to power, status and wealth, so you’re more likely to find narcissists in any industry where they thrive. Finance and politics are big fields. The power dynamics in academia make these fields rife with narcissists. Yoga and spirituality have their fair share of narcissists. Becoming a guru is a quick way for a narcissist to get all the praise and attention they need.”
At this point in the early 2010s, “I remember Googling the words ‘narcissistic abuse’ and literally getting six or seven results,” she says.
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Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical condition that Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders The diagnostic criteria of the DSM (Dysphagia Service Management and Counselling Association) have been the bible of psychiatric diagnosis in the United States since 1980. The diagnostic criteria are based on at least five of nine consistent personality traits, such as extreme arrogance, egocentrism, excessive need for praise, and lack of empathy. It is not widely used among European psychiatrists, and there is no scientific consensus on the prevalence, but recent studies estimate that 1-6% of the US population suffers from this condition. It is more common in men and individualistic societies, and New York is a high-incidence area compared to Japan.
Davis clearly remembers the moment she encountered this symptom during her training: her parents suddenly appeared before her, and she realized that the problems she’d suffered as a child were not her fault, as she had been told.
“For anyone who has been a victim of narcissistic abuse, that’s the eureka moment. It’s terrifying, but at the same time it’s very reassuring: ‘Oh, that’s not me. I’m not insane.’ And then it triggers the thought, ‘What do I do next?'”
Davis is reluctant to talk about her personal experiences beyond broad outlines, saying it wouldn’t help her professional work, and warns that writing at length about oneself is “a bit narcissistic”. Davis opened a private practice in London in 2016. Over the course of her career, she has treated hundreds of patients affected by narcissists. She published her first book, How to escape a narcissistabout the damage to romantic relationships. But she noticed that many of her clients were repeating childhood patterns: She realized that in her own first serious relationship, she had put up with extreme narcissistic behavior that her friends wouldn’t put up with.
“Children of narcissists are so used to being abused that they are highly tolerant of abuse,” she says.
Coincidentally, 2016 saw the beginning of a boom in narcissism in our culture. Could this have something to do with the election of President Trump, who has frequently been labeled a narcissist?
“Maybe the word is starting to emerge and people are getting interested,” Davis said.
She also points out the 2018 series Inheritancepatriarch Logan Roy seems like a narcissistic parent, and the rise of social media in general. It’s part of a similar trend that’s become popular online of applying clinical diagnoses to the normal range of human behavior, like misusing OCD to mean “I like folding towels.”
“As one of the first experts in the UK, I remember initially thinking it was great that the term was gaining popularity as it was previously difficult to find information about it, but now it’s amazing. What makes me laugh is that one of the clinical features of narcissism is that people often exaggerate their skills and qualifications, which you often see with self-proclaimed experts online. They present themselves on social media as an expert on narcissistic abuse and attract loads of followers. We call this ‘narcissistic supply’.”
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Is she saying that narcissists get satisfaction from going viral on social media and promoting “how to spot a narcissist” videos? Interesting.
“That’s scary too, isn’t it?” she says.
Similarly, she sees relationships where disgruntled parties rush to label each other as “narcissists” for simply being inconsiderate or mildly rude. This quickness to judge is “really narcissistic,” she says. Is the growing concern about narcissism because we are a much more decentralized society, without the strong community ties of the 20th century? After all, we are in the age of the selfie. “Exactly,” she replies.
“What was once considered narcissistic, vain and self-centered behavior has now become the societal norm,” he writes. Elias AboujaoudeProfessor of Psychiatry at Stanford University Virtual You: The Dangerous Power of Electronic PersonalitiesAboujaoudeh has argued that Instagram users are like modern-day Narcissus, posting an idealized version of themselves online and then falling in love with it. But here he’s using the term more superficially. There’s conflicting evidence about whether younger generations’ levels of empathy and arrogance are changing. There’s talk of a narcissism epidemic, but not much data to back it up.
Some of Davis’ friends joke that they will buy her books. Raised by a narcissistas a Christmas gift to your adult children. Davis emphasizes that even the best parenting isn’t always selfless, and that’s normal. And if your Gen Z kid watches a lot of TikTok and is accusing you of being a narcissistic dad, her book might help define the word, too. She worries that some will see an irresponsible Instagram reel accusing half the population of being narcissists and use it to unfairly ruin a family’s Christmas.
“It really comes down to there being too much misinformation,” Davis says. “Parents will be falsely accused of being narcissists, and that’s unfair and painful. Parenting is hard. No one gets it right all the time, and it would be weird if they did.”
“The difference with normal parents when they do something that makes them feel bad is that they repair it. Narcissists never do that. They’ll say, ‘You’re upset because you’re sensitive. It’s all about you.’ They don’t take responsibility for their actions. Humility is a really great example to model for kids.”
Her book is packed with techniques on how to escape the manipulations of a narcissistic parent, or even cut ties completely. She feels that many online gurus rush their followers to cut off contact. “That may not be easy for a variety of reasons,” she says. “It’s really important to have reliable information, but it’s becoming harder and harder.” She herself cut off all contact with her parents at the age of 40, after decades of deep reflection. Which option is easier: contact or no contact?
“Every choice comes with some relief and some sadness,” she says.
She says her parents haven’t tried to contact her since. She now feels more at peace in her life and tries to help others who have had similar experiences. She is warm and self-deprecating, and I congratulate her for building a meaningful life after a childhood she calls “hell.” She says it took her a long time to truly accept a compliment. “Children of narcissistic parents often grow up feeling that nothing they do is worthless.”
Meanwhile, if the word “narcissist” were a person, their head would be swollen with delight at the attention they’re receiving.
Dr Sarah Davis’s book Raised by a Narcissist is out on September 19th (Profile £14.99). To order it go to EnglandFree standard UK delivery on orders over £25, with special discounts available for Times+ members.
