I like to tell my therapy clients about the anxious cow: in a herd of calmly grazing cows, just the scent of a nervous herdmate can send the others into a state of agitation. With ears erect and tails twitching, they seek out a familiar cow-mate, one who may be a little calmer, and the two lick each other’s heads, slowing their heart rates with a soothing tongue massage.
We’re not that different from cows. We all have our own ways of stimulating or calming each other. When one team member at work worries about a deadline, suddenly everyone’s a little on edge (and then calms down with happy hour drinks). When your partner gets upset about the neighbor’s noisy renovations, before you know it, you’re upset too.
I find it helpful to talk to my clients about cows, elephants, or bugs. I live and work on Capitol Hill in Washington. The body keeps score It’s available in every library, France de Waal Chimpanzee politics. perhaps that This book should be everywhere. In my experience, when you turn the animal world loose in a therapy room, people relax a little. They begin to realize that a scary trip home or a clash at the office is a perfect opportunity to observe the anxiety of the animal pack — an opportunity to get out their naturalist’s notebook and record patterns, metaphorically speaking.
So much of the therapy world is disconnected from the natural world. We focus on personality types, attachment styles, and diagnoses that are backed by the natural world. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (It’s a diagnosis we would never give to a cow, because they’re all cows.) But our emphasis on human uniqueness, while well-intentioned, has backfired on a pattern of labeling many adaptations as dysfunctional. We rely on treatments that focus on the individual, rather than looking at how our behavior is part of a group dynamic. We become less concerned with our place in the grand story of life.
Humans are not incomprehensible unicorns. We are products of evolution. Our behavior is influenced by processes that govern the natural world. Our families and communities are natural systems doing their best to survive and thrive. When I was writing my latest book, Loyal to you, For me, it was important to use examples from the natural world to help people think about human relationships, because by studying other natural systems — prairie dog colonies, termite mounds, mushroom colonies — we can learn something about ourselves.
When a client shamed me for being too competitive with a colleague, I recommended that she read about the hierarchy of elephants at the watering hole. When a manager wondered why she couldn’t inspire some of her team members, I pointed out that 25% of the ants in a colony barely work. The answer to why you or your child handle situations in a certain way might not be buried deep inside a mountain of psychology studies or a therapist’s TikTok dance. Maybe it’s because, like every other living thing on Earth, you’re a living thing doing the best you can to survive there.
I bring the natural world into the therapy room not to justify behavior, but to get clients curious about why they and their peers behave the way they do. When people see behavior as adaptive rather than dysfunctional, they are more likely to move beyond self-blame. They also stop trying to change others. Instead, they become curious about how patterns unfold and how they can change. their It becomes part of the automatic functioning of the group. They start questioning themselves. How do I get my anxiety under control when there’s no one around to figuratively lick my head? and How can we stop our fellow cows from getting so worked up?
because that What makes us unique is our ability to step out of the automatic and activate our own best thinking. We don’t always have to conform to the group. We can just sit down and say, “Mom, I think about that a little bit differently.”
Of course, learning to do things differently requires a lot of observation. We can learn from researchers who study the natural world how to observe our fellow humans (and ourselves). Here are some books I often recommend to my therapy clients:
If you’re overwhelmed by the conflict and drama in your relationships, there’s no better book to read than de Waal’s Poetry of Love and Lust. Chimpanzee politicsIf you’ve ever encountered a 30-year-old chimpanzee behaving like a child to gain sympathy, or a female tricking two fighting males into grooming each other, Thanksgiving with your family will never be the same again.
If you want to build a community or feel more connected to your existing friends, Caitlin O’Connell Wild Ritual You’ll steal ideas from the elephant family she’s studied for decades. When I learned that zebras greet each other with a playful bite, it got me thinking about how elaborate handshakes and silly bows might benefit my friendships.
I’m worried about how to lick a cow Ashley Ward’s The social life of animalsThis is a great read for anyone who tends to be too hard on themselves and needs a comforting laugh. The cockroach, who had an isolated childhood, learns that love is often hard to find, and how the locust will eat any locust in front of them to keep the swarm moving in the same direction. (I’ll leave it up to you to decide which area of life this metaphor is most useful in.)
If worrying about America’s future keeps you up at night, Thomas Seely’s Bee Democracy Learn how bees make important decisions about the future of the hive by wagging their little butts. Who doesn’t love a story with a dance battle?
Nothing can replace the value of spending 10 minutes in nature. Might be enough To reduce stress and improve your mood. Feeling connected to the natural world can also help you become more aware of the global challenges we face and the role we can play in shaping our way out of these disruptions. Get outside. Notice which way the sunflowers are facing or what’s sparking fights among your neighborhood birds. Visit a farm and watch your anxieties ease or fade away.
I often ask my therapy clients, “How can I stay curious about my functioning?” Curiosity is not uniquely human, but it is certainly our superpower. Being interested in life in all its forms, being delighted, being inspired, and having a little certainty are strategies I recommend. Maybe I’ll even teach therapists something. return.
