I was diagnosed with OCD three years before reading Turtles All the Way Down, a 2017 novel by John Green that was just made into a movie. I was recently in the midst of my second major mental health crisis when I found solace in the news that one of my favorite authors was publishing a novel inspired by his own experience with OCD.
This book served as an important part of my support system throughout my treatment and recovery. To me, this book felt as important and life-saving as my friends and family.
“Turtles All the Way Down” helped me feel seen early in my struggle with OCD. Although the main character experienced a different subtype of her OCD than I did, her overall experience with this disorder accurately mirrored my struggles at the time.
When I heard about the film adaptation, I was excited to see how the book’s depiction of OCD would be portrayed on screen, but I was also a little nervous about revisiting some of my most difficult times. . My hope was that the movie did as good a job as the book in showing what OCD is really like.
Media depictions of OCD often rely on stereotypes and misconceptions about the condition. We often see OCD described in a flippant way, à la Monica Geller. Either you are overly methodical in order to be the perfect party host, or you are obsessed with doing things a certain way.
Rather, OCD is rooted in intrusive thoughts about topics such as pollution, harm, and desecration. The OCD spiral begins with unwanted, distressing thoughts that a non-OCD brain would recognize and ignore, but the OCD brain hangs on to. Intrusive thoughts lead to a spiral of doubt about their origin, purpose, and truth, and the spiral is so stressful and upsetting that people with OCD find that certain counterintuitive rituals are the only way they find relief. We are often fooled into thinking that it is a method.
I now know that the lack of coverage of mental illness in mainstream media contributed to the confusion about what was happening to me before I was diagnosed. His accurate portrayal of the complexities of OCD as I read in “TATWD” recognizes that the swirling doubts are more than an anxiety attack without feeling like you’re completely losing your mind. It may have been helpful. And I wanted TATWD to be that movie for other people who are currently going through what I went through all those years ago.
OCD is called the disease of doubt because it makes people doubt who they even are. Or, in the case of Aza, the main character of “TATWD”, if They even exist. In this film, Aza spends most of her day serving her thoughts. I feel that her experience of being hostage to one’s own mind resonates with many people with OCD. And the control these thoughts seem to give Aza sometimes sends her into a spiral of thoughts about how she can be real, how she can shine once in a while. Shedding light on existential OCD.
I detailed how OCD is portrayed in “TATWD.” And the good news is that this movie gets it pretty right.
What OCD really feels like
”TATWD uses audio and visual effects to recreate the sensory experience of a thought spiral, as authentically as I’ve ever seen it.
In one scene, Aza, the 16-year-old protagonist of “TATWD,” is sitting with friends when an intrusive thought creeps in that she might get sick. Soon she becomes cut off from her surroundings. Her sharp static drowns out her friends’ voices. And you can see a mini-movie about her obsession. Another version of her running a fever and sweating in bed, eventually lying in a hospital bed.
All the while she heads to the bathroom to perform a compulsion tied to her obsession of cleaning the wound on her finger, she argues with herself the entire time, trying to rationalize her OCD thoughts to no avail.
This scene very accurately captures the “logic” of the fun house mirror that OCD creates to keep you trapped. As a defense attorney, her OCD always has a “what if” or “really?” ready to pull you back into the spiral.
What is OCD treatment?
Aza is undergoing treatment, but is resistant to both drug therapy and exposure-response prophylaxis. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that is considered the most effective treatment for OCD, which is supported by a review of 24 randomized controlled trials published in 2021. . Journal of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Related Disorders. Her lackluster participation was frustrating for me, but also very relatable, as someone who has been working with OCD treatment for 10 years and knows its effects.
When I was newly diagnosed, I was reluctant to pursue treatment, knowing that the evidence-based options would be very scary and sometimes unpleasant.
I appreciate the film’s accurate portrayal of a path to treatment and symptom management that is not always linear. And by naming the treatments that have helped so many of her OCD sufferers, she hopes to raise awareness, foster empathy, and direct those who need it to the appropriate resources. .
The tools that people with OCD often rely on were also well-illustrated in TATWD. In an early scene, Aza’s best friend Daisy suspects that Aza is starting to spiral and begins telling her interesting story. You can see how Aza helps her break free from her thoughts and redirect her attention to the present moment. We also see Daisy use humor to break the bruising spiral. This is often an effective tool for people with OCD. It was beautiful to see Daisy’s small but powerful demonstration of his strong support system as he tries to figure out how to be there for his friends.
What are the symptoms of OCD?
The climax of the film depicts Aza’s worst nightmare. It is an admission to a hospital, which in her mind is a cesspool of disease. I found this film both cathartic and inspiring because it so accurately depicts the raw fear that underlies and fuels OCD obsessions. If I had to highlight something that I feel this movie helped the public understand about her OCD, it would be this depiction of fear.
I also appreciated that the film never suggested that Aza had the option of simply “controlling her thoughts,” a trap that other media depictions of anxiety disorders tend to fall into. People with OCD can’t just push their fears away, even if they have a good reason to do so. In fact, trying to suppress OCD thoughts actually only makes the symptoms worse. Aza had to fight her obsessions throughout the movie, and it felt true to life.
However, this film is not without hope. I think the scene where Aza overcomes the crisis and walks out of the hospital is one of the most powerful scenes. What this movie reminds us is that the girl she is now is not the girl she will always be.
What does OCD recovery look like?
The film depicts Aza slowly integrating into her life after she recovers. Towards the end, viewers are treated to a flash-forward to the future where they get to see Aza living her life to the fullest and doing things her 16-year-old self couldn’t even imagine.
But even in this happy future, we get a glimpse of Aza re-bandaging her finger, a reminder that OCD is a permanent presence in her life. Mental illness cannot be cured even with proper treatment. It will be managed.
I think this movie did a great job of showing the duality of living in deep fear but still wanting to pursue big dreams and exceed expectations of what is comfortable. OCD may create doubt, but it’s only unpleasant because it doesn’t align with the person’s values. Aza is told that her self-doubt makes her real. Maybe I interpreted this differently than intended, but the discomfort that doubt creates is pretty much proof that someone beyond OCD is fighting a battle deep inside. I believe.
in Vanity Fair interview Regarding the film, John Green explained why he decided to end Aza’s story with a time jump. It was a way to send a note to my younger self, who also suffered from OCD. This was my way of letting him know that I was so sorry for the pain he had to go through, but that he was going to be okay.
Watching “TATWD” helped me do just that. I cried with Aza, but it was a different perspective than when I read the book version of her story. Seven years later, this movie gave me the opportunity to feel sad for what she and I shared, but still to know that she was okay and to be proud of her own strength. is completed.
I believe this story is a reminder of resilience for those who have lived through moments of crisis with mental illness, and a beacon of hope for those currently in crisis that this is not forever. believe.
Amanda Holtzman has a master’s degree in experimental psychology and over six years of experience in research focused on cognitive resilience, psychological stress, and mindfulness. She also has a career in stage management for professional theater productions across the United States.
