Growing up in dysfunctional homes, we often go into fight-or-flight mode in response to the chaos and conflict around us. This happens because the mind and body feel threatened all the time. In such cases, we often fall into a state of appeasement as a defense mechanism in response to the constant fear around us. This reaction is known as flattery. This is a traumatic reaction to fearful parents and overwhelming threats. “Flirting is not the same as fight or flight. Some part of my body has learned that the most effective response in moments of overwhelming threat is to soothe. so that you are seen as liked and useful,” wrote therapist Morgan Pommels, describing pampering and how it affects us. .
Also read: Why People-Pleasers Struggle to Be Authentic
Here are some of the signs of indulgence that therapists have identified.
always agree: We pretend to agree with people, even if we disagree with them, thinking that speaking up may lead to conflict.
spread the conflict: As a sign of flattery, we are overly tolerant of people. Even if there are signs of conflict, we downplay it and try to diffuse it, rather than embracing it and dealing with it.
border: We try to keep our needs and expectations so low on our priority list that we have little sense of boundaries. We always go beyond our own values and ethics to meet the needs of others.
But growing up with these habits can often leave you feeling exhausted, frustrated, and taken for granted in adulthood. There are several ways to get out of flattery. The first way is to look at the nervous system and see how we are triggered. “Of course, this trauma response can be rendered useless today in many ways. But that doesn’t mean we should be ashamed of ourselves or see ourselves as flawed. Quite the opposite: one of the best ways to defuse trauma triggers.” And starting to work on the trauma response is justifying our fears and thanking our body for always trying to keep us safe. added Morgan Pommels.
