I'm in my 50s and overweight. I wear women's sizes 16-18. Still, I'm generally healthy and active. Almost three years ago, my long-time, wonderful and warm-hearted doctor retired, and I started seeing another doctor. This new doctor is several years younger than me, and her first meeting focused on encouraging me to lose weight. She suggested I get an injection for a weight loss drug that was just starting to become popular at the time.
As a long-time journalist, I asked for some time to think. After researching the literature, I emailed the doctor (let's call him Dr. Na) and told him I didn't want to take the medication. For me, the side effects seemed too much to deal with. There were no human studies over 10 years of continued use of the drug. Research shows that coming off the drug means regaining most of the weight you lost.
Look, I would be lying if I said I loved my body. I want to; it's true. But we live in a world where: prejudice and prejudice against A fat man. I always feel biased. That said, I think I'm smart, funny, and attractive (when I want to be), I have cool hair and a sparkly smile, and I'm pretty good at fashion.
I didn't want to just inject drugs and lose weight. So I emailed Dr. Na and said: Plus, I told her I didn't want to talk about her weight loss. “We can talk about eating well and exercising,” I told her, but her weight loss was not her goal. “If it doesn't work out, please don't feel bad about it,” I concluded the email. “You can find another PCP for her.”
A few hours later, another email arrived in my inbox from a doctor I had never met.
If you like her and remember her, always say, “Exercise and a low-calorie diet can reduce the burden on your liver.” Because she says she's allowed to talk about diet and exercise. If she's not worth trying to dance to your language, she's giving you a clear option to say “seeeeeeeeaaaaaa.”
Wait, what? I sat at my desk stunned.
But I quickly realized what had happened. Dr. Na had forwarded my email to his fellow physicians and friends seeking advice on what to do with me. The friend (let's call him Dr. What) thought he was writing a reply to Dr. Na, but he wrote to me instead.
Oops.
I thought of many possible responses, many of which contained words that could not be said in this essay.Then I thought about myself many years I research and write about how to elicit a good apology from someone. As a co-author of a new book on apologies, I know that apologizing well is difficult, and that people usually don't respond well to being shamed or threatened. So, instead, I chose something with a cheerful yet edgy, subtly sarcastic sheen. I've added an indication that I'm speaking from an informed place via links to scientific studies. And I called her with negative words about her “worthlessness”, but not in a nuclear way that ended any possibility of conversation. my reply:
I don't think this was meant for me. 🙂 (Good advice indeed!)
–m
P.S. here is an interesting magazine article.
PPS. Like L'Oreal, I believe it's worth it. At the very least, that I have some intrinsic worth and am worthy of respect as a person. thank you!
Then I went for a walk. When I got home, I couldn't answer the phone three times. I received another email from Dr. What.
I am very sorry for sending it to you. As I read this, I feel so embarrassed imagining how cold it feels. I am convinced that any apology is very hollow. I just called and your phone went straight to voicemail so I could apologize live instead of via email.
There are many failures in medical training. I showed you a very big failure regarding that message, and you did nothing to deserve it. I really wish I could cancel it.
I was only able to read the summary of the linked article.
this is Link It may speak to the same truth.
I once again apologize for sending you a message that made you feel uncomfortable. You did nothing to deserve that, and I'm sorry for inflicting it on you through my carelessness.
Wow. That was…a really good apology. My co-author and I researched what makes an apology effective, and this one ticks almost all the boxes.
For example, I've found that a good apology uses the phrases “I'm sorry” or “I'm sorry” instead of “I'm sorry.” When I say I “regret” something, that's what I'm talking about. my Emotions, guilt, shame. A good apology is other People's feelings come to the forefront. A good apology shows that you understand the harm caused, takes responsibility for causing the pain, and lets the other person know that their feelings are valid. And the doctor succeeded in doing so. That's why, all these years later, I still save all my email correspondence.
My heart was still hurting from the initial hurt, but Dr. What's apology made me feel much better.fact Doctors are not known to be good at apologizing. Her words felt even more powerful. “I’m sorry and thank you,” she wrote in response.
My co-authors and I also found in our research that people tend to respond better to words of gratitude because they are thanked for doing something difficult. And it's really difficult to apologize well! That's because most of us consider ourselves fundamentally good people. When presented with evidence that we have done something wrong, we tend to try to resolve this conflicting information in our favor. We tell ourselves that what we did wasn't so bad, that the other person deserved it, and that they owe us an apology. We use phrases like “I'm sorry,” “I'm sorry,” and “I'm sorry you took it that way.” We fall into the passive voice (“Things have been said…”). We use phrases like “taken out of context,” “not like me,” and “misunderstood.” I wanted to give the doctor credit for not falling into that trap.
Then I got a call from Dr. Na. She almost cried. I told her that it wasn't her fault and that was a fact and that if I continued as her patient she would hope that she would see me as a person and not a problem. I did. She swore she could and she would.
And she does. Two and a half years later, she is still my doctor. I think our relationship improved because of that incident. She has tried her best not to talk about weight loss, even though it doesn't come naturally to her. (Here in New York City, I haven't found a doctor who truly does weight right. If you know of one, please let me know.) She makes time to chat, which is hard to find in today's world. That's rare. She asked me for advice on raising children. The dynamics in our relationship feel different and healthier. When one of my children was diagnosed with a chronic illness, she helped me find resources for her.
Behold the power of a good apology, giving it and accepting it. You can make good out of bad by saying sorry and taking concrete steps to prevent the mistake from happening again.
Every new year, many of us vow to lose weight. No wonder, living life as a bigger person is difficult, and it's even harder when stories of weight loss pills and their effects seem to be all over the place. I don't judge people who make choices that feel right to them. But as we consider our New Year's resolutions for 2024, we hope more people choose a less common aspiration: to apologize better. We may not be able to lose weight by doing so, but we may create a kinder world.
