ah! I want to feel young again, carefree and optimistic about the future.
Life’s challenges drain us of strength and take away the brilliance we once had. Over the years, I went from being an optimistic teenager to being a dull, uninspired mother. I blamed circumstances, myself, and the people around me for the changes I was going through. It wasn’t until I looked back on my life that I realized how the burdens of my past, social norms, and hormonal shifts had brought me this far.
As women in the Desi society, we were raised to believe that the ultimate goal in life is to have children and a happy family. We are expected to take care of our in-laws, spouses and children while pursuing “hobbies” such as work and education.
These expectations are so ingrained in our culture that it’s easy to overlook how burdensome they can be. As young girls, we straddle them at first, but when the weight of these responsibilities falls on us, we find ourselves crushed under them.
Women are significantly more prone to mental disorders, accounting for more than 4% of the disease burden in Pakistan as a whole. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), about 24 million people in Pakistan need psychiatric help, but the resources available are inadequate.
Before I was hit with depression and anxiety, I was an ambitious, hopeful person dreaming of a successful career and the picture-perfect home. But I started questioning my post-marriage aspirations, and reality got even tougher when I got pregnant.
Married, I found myself chewing more than I could chew. In most families in our society, money is not discussed or dealt with by children, so household chores are a way to “help” mothers, and education is central to the appeal. It was hard to handle and manage the whole family. Once you’ve got the hang of it, you’re ready for new life.
Motherhood is undoubtedly an amazing experience, but it comes with immense challenges for women. The image of the flower-perfect mother often fails to convey the hardships and sacrifices that come with it. My pregnancy was not an easy one, my body resisted the changes and I was physically and mentally exhausted.
From constant morning sickness to debilitating back pain, I endured a roller coaster of physical struggles. Despite this, I remained determined to ensure the health and well-being of my baby. This includes being physically and mentally healthy. what I forced myself to do.
I was numb to everything around me. I blocked out all my emotions, from unfair and justifiable advice to weight gain and ambitions. Through research, conversations, and information seeking, I gradually became familiar with the concept of pregnancy.
My body rebelled, but my resilience and determination persevered. I didn’t give up because in the big picture, the process of bringing this world to life is standard. I accepted that I was not special in the sense that countless women have embraced this transformational journey more than I have, and many others will too. Why can’t I handle pregnancy and home management? Thousands of women are housewives and happy, right? Why does not having an active and growing career bother me? Why do you want it all?
During my nine-month journey, I was gaslighting. I read extensively on how postpartum depression can occur and thought about protecting myself from all the triggers listed. I took care of my emotions and mental health. Little did I know I was hoarding myself instead of protecting myself.
I traveled within 40 days, was back in the field in the first three months, and was aiming for my master’s degree about six months later. I was trying to be “normal” myself. I was about to do it all.
In the process, I was involved in a nuclear facility with my collaborators. We were both working through parenting and relationships while taking on other roles.
Again, I chewed more than I could chew.
Then one fine day I was broken. Sleepless nights, feeding, working, studying, housework, and everything else. One day was not enough to finish everything. Having a nanny watching like a helicopter wasn’t enough. I had a very tight grip on the reign of my life (before I became a mother). Out of focus, things are blurry. I was forgetful. He lost his sense of taste and was unable to perform 100% in any role he took on. I was doing everything I could to study, work, live, raise children, and love, but it wasn’t enough.
I also participated in various moms groups on Facebook, and during the discussions there, I realized that I was experiencing something that was not uncommon. The group couldn’t give me professional help, but it did let me know I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t a bad mother, I wasn’t a wife, I wasn’t a bad person, and I couldn’t do anything without help.
In addition to confusion, inability to get work done, resentment towards children or spouse, crying over minor inconveniences, outbursts, aggression, and the willingness to just drop everything and run away are things that I regularly experience. It’s part of what I was feeling. People’s comments, even the kind ones, hit like stone. I thought everyone was trying to get me.
Of course there were good days and bad days, but gradually the bad days increased. I used to be a methodical person when it comes to tasks. It has become the norm for me to go days without showering, binge eating, not wanting to move and not taking care of myself. Still, I thought too much about being a mother and was trying to teach her son how to walk, how to talk, how to eat, how to crawl, and everything. Maybe I was forcing my son to grow up faster than time. I fell in love with him and his milestones.
A year postpartum, I was diagnosed with “mom brain,” anxiety, and depression. According to a study published in BMC Public Health Postpartum depression (PPD) is estimated to be 30.9% prevalent in Pakistan in 2020. Some recent studies claim that postpartum changes he can last for two to seven years.
What is Mama Brain?
Pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding cause hormonal changes that lead to genetic changes in the brain that actually reduce gray matter in areas associated with social cognition. The “mama brain” refers to the forgetfulness, fog, and poor concentration experienced by pregnant and postpartum women. Hormonal changes, lack of sleep, and increased stress can all be to blame.
But the upside is that it helps new moms fulfill their roles as parents by streamlining their brains and reducing the stress of crying babies. This is perhaps a hidden blessing. Ways to deal with it include writing things down, using technology as reminders, and managing stress, but prioritize self-care, getting plenty of sleep, and stress-relief activities (these are It may sound like a joke).
Are depression and postpartum depression the same?
Existing research demonstrates that PPD has unique characteristics that distinguish it from other forms of depression. PPD is characterized by unique clinical features such as increased feelings of guilt and anxiety, and intrusive thoughts about the baby. Irregular and disturbed sleep patterns with fatigue are also more common in PPD when compared with non-perinatal depression.
PPD is influenced by perinatal-related factors, including hormonal, genetic, psychosocial, and neurobiological factors. Treatment results for PPD also vary from case to case.
What is Postpartum Anxiety?
Postpartum anxiety is excessive worry, fear, or anxiety that occurs after or before childbirth. PPD makes people feel sad and empty. Anxiety, like mine, causes unprecedented and unnecessary worry and fear.
With postpartum anxiety, you may be constantly worrying about your baby’s health and safety, experiencing mind-boggling thoughts, having trouble falling asleep even when your baby is asleep, and feeling irritable and restless.
PPD and anxiety are separate mental problems and can coexist, with some women experiencing both symptoms at the same time.
road to recovery
My diagnosis was delayed not because I didn’t seek help sooner. As soon as I realized that something was wrong, I rushed for help. I visited various psychologists. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), Pakistan has one of the lowest psychiatrist-to-population ratios in the world, with just 0.19 psychiatrists per 100,000 population.
One of the many experts I approached bluntly said that I was “a”.Nashkuri’ (ungrateful).
“You have a boy. You should be grateful. You can’t handle it all, so you have to give up your master’s degree and your career. Allah gave us a role, but there is a reason for it.” There is,” said a highly recommended veteran Islamabad female psychologist. This should have pushed me further into the abyss, but I took it with a grain of salt and now I have to pick myself back up.
The only thing that kept me sane during the trip was my kids and the belief that things were going to be okay. It was difficult for me to pray and see the bright side of being a mother, but the feeling that I had to do something for another human being pushed me forward. Finding reliable help got me back on track.
Luckily, my mom’s brain slowed down significantly two years after giving birth, and I’m able to work, write, and function better than I have in the last two years. I have come to the realization that I will never be able to return to being “like” physically and mentally, and have accepted that this is part of my transition and my path forward.
Now I give myself more space, I let go of jobs and career advancement because I don’t have the capacity, I cook four meals a day and I don’t clean like I used to. My mental health is not only important to my sanity, but to my child’s happiness.
Believe me, our children will be happier and healthier human beings if we give ourselves more love and care than we can with being kind and loving.
As I’ve said many times, in a society that revels in the hardships women face and asks them to weather the storm, I’ll reiterate that Facebook groups are a godsend. Because this is the mission of women. These groups will cheer you up. It makes me feel safe to be heard. These groups can alert you if you feel trapped. They may not have the solution to all your problems, but you can force them to look, even temporarily.
These groups started conversations about breastfeeding, domestic violence (both physical and mental), mental health, and postpartum. It helped build society from the grassroots and shaped our brains to see the big picture.
Asking for help is taboo in our society, but it shouldn’t be. Unnecessary comments, not physically helping new moms, unsolicited advice, and disrespecting parental choices should be taboo. It was only after I found help that I was forced to face society’s expectations, modify my dreams, and accept the challenges that befell me.
The process of finding myself was hard, both physically and emotionally, but I learned to find strength within myself and appreciate the beauty that creates life. Motherhood may have changed my trajectory, but it also awakened a new sense of resilience and determination that helped me slow down and enjoy the little things in life.
Find happiness in bird watching and rock picking, find fun ways to eat and new ways to travel distances. I now understand that being a mother is not only about nurturing others, but also nurturing yourself. It’s up to you to access your situation and seek help online or from a professional.
Annam Lodi is a freelance journalist based in Islamabad. She has won the Agahhi Award twice. Her writing centers on gender, culture, technology and climate change, expertly weaving data into compelling and human narratives.she tweets her AnnamL0dhi
— Banner and thumbnail illustration by Aisha Nabi
