Dear Reader: Like you, I often wonder what happens to my advice once it leaves my seat, so I’m asking readers to send me updates.
Of all the messages I have received, today’s update has moved me the most.
The original Q&A is printed below, followed by an update.
Dear Amy: I am an adult male nearing 50 with a very difficult family history. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. I lived with my mother and stepfather.
Their relationship was pretty strained and with my mom’s knowledge he sexually abused me when I was 14 and 15.
I have done a lot of healing on this and now have a great life.
My question is, now that both my mother and biological father are old (my stepfather committed suicide), what kind of “loyalty” do I owe them in caring for them in their old age? Are you there?
I have been living alone since I left home at the age of 15. It pisses me off at the thought of spending time and money on her two poor parents. Then comes guilt.
What do you think about this?
hurt son
Dear Son: If helping your parents will help you heal, then you should. It would be an act of extraordinary grace to get past a childhood horror show and support an abuser. However, I don’t think you should consider yourself a failure just because you can’t reach this very high standard.
You haven’t disclosed your relationship with your father, but in my view, the fact that he lived long enough to be an old man means that you have more obligations than when you were an abuse victim at age 15. No need to impose on you. Parents who protect and support you.
It sounds very harsh, but it feels like they abandoned their kinship and loyalty to you when they sacrificed you.
It also doesn’t say if your parents contacted you or tried to explain, make amends, or ask for forgiveness.
Forgiveness is so powerful. Forgiving their mistakes doesn’t mean you have to support them.
The research of Dave Peltzer, a survivor of horrific childhood abuse, provides a valuable perspective. Pelzer’s writings on healing and forgiveness will inspire you. Let’s start with his book A Man Called Dave: A Story of Victory and Forgiveness (Plume, 2000).
(First edition: September 2011)
Update from “Wounded Son”: Dear Amy, Your letter is part of my permanent file.
A few times since you answered, I’ve had the opportunity to reveal my history to close friends, and I’ve learned that I have strong boundaries with my parents and that as I get older, I’m not going to do much to them. I talked about I almost always added that I keep you in my corner on this matter – in print!
I find great justification in your statement, “I feel like I have abandoned my kinship with you and my loyalty to them when they sacrificed you.”
Both my parents are dead now.
I am proud that I was able to maintain a friendly but cautious relationship with my geographically distant father and my mother who lived not far away.
I visited my mother frequently to avoid the guilt I would feel if I cut ties with her completely.
I think my parents were fully aware of how difficult my childhood life was and how much responsibility they had for it.
I think it was very hard for my mother to have me by her side, and she didn’t actively try to make amends. It means many things.
We are both grateful to have loved ones close by who took care of us at the end of our lives. They seemed to know that I shouldn’t ask them for financial help.
Near the end of her life, my mother said to one of her nephews: She says, “I’m lucky that my kids even talk to me.” She’s heartbreaking, but true.
Searching my letters online, I found many others written by adults who had been abused as children. Thank you for your reply.
I was healed
Dear Healer: Your story is one of victory and reconciliation.
Email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or her Facebook.
