“This is a warning to all girls,” Sarah Brady wrote on Instagram Stories. “If your partner talks to you like this, have an exit plan. A screenshot of the message was attached along with the warning. Who do you think is the sender? her very famous ex-boyfriend, Jonah Hill.
Screenshots were also released of Hill telling Brady to stop modeling, surfing with men, and maintaining friendships with women in “unstable places.” A revelation message posted on July 8th went viral quickly (a transcript of the message is available at Newsweek). Some onlookers were disappointed to find that their favorite, clumsily lovable protagonist seemed like an inconsiderate, controlling partner. Others cited Hill’s message as an example of emotional abuse. Others defended his actions as self-preservation and an example of setting clear boundaries.
There is a clear division of opinion online. Hill is either a hopeless abuser or an unwitting victim of a “cancellation culture” in which private conversations are leaked online. But Hill’s reputation shouldn’t count here. “Most people have their ups and downs,” says Rebecca Berger, a licensed clinical psychologist and clinical psychologist. mind well, a therapy practice in New York City. “When we focus on whether a person is good or bad, we lose sight of the meaning of his actions. Why did this happen?” What is the function of this behavior? What effect does it have on others? “
of National Domestic Violence Hotline defines emotional abuse as non-physical conduct intended to control, isolate, intimidate, or disrespect someone. This type of abuse can be overt (yelling or swearing) or subtle (becoming jealous of your partner’s friends). “The general result is that [emotional abuse] These include low self-esteem, depression, and increased anxiety,” Berger says. “Based on Sarah’s reporting of her own experiences over the past year, it seems she has experienced some of those effects as well.”
In a subsequent Instagram story, Brady described Hill as emotionally abusive and detailed the impact of his words and actions. According to Brady, in addition to controlling his friendships and online presence, Hill turned him down and “ruined” a photo shoot he produced. Surf wear brand “SEA”. The two eventually broke up in 2022, leaving Brady to handle a relationship that lasted about a year. “Thanks to the help of my loved ones and doctors, I’ve been able to live my life without guilt, shame or self-judgment for small things like surfing in a bathing suit instead of a conservative wetsuit. It’s been a year of healing and growth,” she said. she wrote online.
Still, segments of the internet jumped to defend Hill, claiming his emails were harmless and merely stating his desires for a partner. Others parroted what Hill claimed in several messages to Brady: that he was setting boundaries in their relationship. However, according to Berger, boundaries are intended to define the limits of one’s own comfort, not the comfort of others. “It’s a conversation that increases fairness and increases intimacy,” she says. “[Boundaries] It is not intended to be punitive. “
Diana Baik is a Certified Master Social Worker. Abita’s Heart Care, adds that reciprocity is key to boundary setting. “It involves listening and compromising. It seems that.”
Mary Dobson, a licensed marital and family therapist, makes it clear that there is nothing inherently wrong with sharing discomfort and vulnerability in a relationship. But she and Berger recommend sticking to the “I” statement when discussing these concerns. “It’s acceptable to say, ‘This behavior is unpleasant and I wish it wasn’t,’ or, ‘I wish I could avoid this unpleasant feeling,'” says Dobson. “It’s quite another to say, ‘This behavior makes me uncomfortable, and you need to change your behavior in a way that makes me feel safe because I’m uncomfortable.'”
Hill’s text messages raise another red flag. Both Berger and Weik cited critical comments about Brady’s friends as a source of concern. “Criticizing or denigrating a loved one can lead partners to become socially isolated and avoid the person they love,” Berger says. In severe situations, people may abandon their entire support network and rely solely on their partners. “A healthy relationship is like a Venn diagram, with areas that overlap in the middle and areas that don’t. We want to encourage… [it] It helps stabilize relationships and create longevity. As long as you read your text messages, you won’t. “
For Dobson, the “power and economic imbalance” between wealthy celebrity Hill and relatively unknown Brady at the time of their relationship is another red flag. “His tone towards her implies her superiority and is pedantic, condescending, negative and derisive,” she says. “His knowledge of celebrity and status comes as a right and an expectation that she will meet his wishes.” . offer to pay for Brady’s therapy. “Sarah’s financial dependence on Jonah is a power gap for her. He helped her, so she may have been more likely to comply with his demands.”
Then there is the issue of therapy speaking. Throughout his message, Hill frequently uses words such as “trigger” and “trauma” that serve a clinical purpose for mental health professionals. Whether or not Hill “weaponized” these therapy-centric terms (Berger describes the phenomenon as “seeming to be an expert and using psychological phrases to control the outcome of a situation”). defines) comes down to his intentions, which are difficult to judge. Based on exclusive material posted by Brady. However, Berger said: “The more therapeutic language, the more insightful language, the more emotional language, the harder it is to invalidate it.”
Dobson added that there’s a difference between going to therapy (which Hill explores in the documentary Stats) and being a mental health professional. “His experience as a longtime therapy patient does not qualify him as a therapist,” she says. “He certainly isn’t [Brady’s] therapist. “
Breaking the silence around abuse is key to broadening the conversation about physical and non-physical violence (see the cultural change #MeToo has prompted). You can also validate other survivors’ experiences and encourage them to seek help. in one of Brady’s Instagram postFormer ESPN reporter and mental health advocate Amy Nelson commented: [very] public partner. Emotional abuse can be devastating. I almost lost my life on it. You have no idea how much your story makes us feel so focused. “
Brady said online that keeping his experiences with Hill to himself was “doing more damage” to his mental health “more than sharing.” Not surprisingly, her decision to make Hill’s message public was immediately criticized by both far-right and left-wing literary figures. When asked if the criticism is justified, Berger counters. She said, “As a psychologist, it is my job to comment on things that I myself can observe. There is no way to observe anything. [Brady’s] Our internal experience is … so I think it’s unfair to take a too certain view of this,” she says. She said, “The internet can be a cruel place. I think she got some of what she needed. [by sharing publicly]But she probably got a lot more than she did. “
Rather than demonize Brady or Hill, Berger hopes that bystanders can take a more nuanced view. “It’s a natural human tendency to go all-or-nothing. I can’t express how much my therapy practice shatters the all-black-and-white myth,” she says. “[Somebody we love] They may have great qualities, but they may still not treat us well. They may still do things that make us feel small, neglected, or dangerous. Ultimately, Berger invites us to take a closer look at our own relationships. “Look at yourself. How do you feel in this relationship? That’s the biggest way to tell. It’s not how you feel about the other person, it’s not what other people say,” she said. say. “If you have relationship problems, you will most likely not be happy with yourself in your relationship.”
If you or someone you know has been emotionally abused, National Domestic Violence Hotline We provide 24/7 anonymous support via phone, text, and online chat. Additional resources can be found at: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, love is respect, safe horizonand crisis text line.
