Therapists Are Identifying What Oldest Siblings Talk About The Most In Their Sessions, And Honestly It’s A Bit Heartbreaking

Words like “independent,” “motivated,” “responsible,” and “caring” are often used to describe older siblings. From an early age, firstborn children are tasked with caring for their siblings while being raised by their first-time parents, and this experience manifests itself in many ways, including specific topics and beliefs that are uncovered in therapy.

Additionally, Aparna Sagaram, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of the facility, says there were no other children around when her oldest child was born. In other words, their role models are adults, their caregivers. space to reflect In Philadelphia.

Younger siblings, on the other hand, have older siblings nearby and look to them as role models.

“Younger siblings are generally said to be more relaxed and more carefree. It’s interesting because they’re role models.” [are] In fact, it is a child,” said Sagaram.

This, combined with the lived experiences that our oldest children have, creates particular challenges that are often discussed in therapy. Below are some of the most common issues that oldest siblings bring up in sessions.

Fighting perfectionism

For the eldest son, raising a child involves a lot of trial and error. New parents are still learning how to raise their eldest son, but they say they don’t yet have the knowledge to help raise their younger children. Altessa Clarkis a licensed clinical social worker. Inspire4Purpose In Florida.

This can mean older children have to deal with extreme parenting styles, such as strict upbringing with lots of rules and expectations. “So how that affects our oldest children is they have to grow up from this and there are a lot of expectations placed on them. Many times. [this creates a] “Type A personalities tend to be perfectionists,” Clark said.

Clark said she helps her oldest sibling patients connect the dots and dismantle perfectionist belief systems that have followed them for decades. “We think they interpret it as saying, “Your parents were hard on you as the eldest child, and that means you have to be the best, and you’re a perfectionist and very self-critical.” I am helping.”

She says it’s important for older siblings to understand this connection and make it easier for them when they don’t meet their high expectations.

“Children can be very hard on themselves if they don’t do what their parents force them to do,” Clark says.

Feelings of impostor syndrome

According to Clark, being highly critical of yourself and always striving to be better can make it difficult to feel like you’re good enough, which can lead to imposter syndrome.

When it comes to success and recognition, firstborns may feel like they’re not qualified because of this harsh self-critical analysis…because of the strict upbringing and expectations from their parents. [for] They are,” Clark said. She added that she sees this particularly among high-achieving black clients.

“Childcare” experience

According to Sagaram, many older children began “parenting” from an early age. This means that they are given the adult responsibility of helping their parents who work a lot and are less able to do so emotionally or physically.

“So caring for, preparing meals for, putting to bed and watching over younger siblings are all examples of parenting,” Sagaram said.

But the difficulty with this is that in many cultures, helping parents is innate, Clark said. Especially in BIPOC communities, “you’re supposed to help your younger siblings and you’re just expected to play that role,” Clark added.

Sagaram said children raised by their parents grow up to be adults who are never able to fully relax, are always worried about others, and always feel they have to take care of their loved ones. And this appears in both men and women, Sagaram says.

jealousy towards younger siblings

Sagaram said older siblings often feel like they have to pave the way for their younger siblings, and younger siblings may find it easier.

Sagaram and Clark noted that for older siblings, this can lead to feelings of jealousy and resentment.

Older siblings may become jealous of how easy their younger siblings feel in certain situations, such as bad grades or breaking curfew, and wish they could experience life the same way. yeah.

After all, it can feel like unfair treatment to the oldest sibling.

difficult to ask for help

“Older siblings may feel like they can’t rely on others for support or that they have to figure everything out on their own,” says Sagaram.

This affects work, relationships and every part of the older child’s life, she said. It’s okay to ask for help. That doesn’t mean you’re weak,” Sagaram said.

Additionally, older siblings who on the surface appear to have better control over their work and personal lives have difficulty expressing it when they’re feeling down, Clark said.

Often, when they share their struggles, the response is something like this: why are you upset? This forces older children to hide their emotional struggles.

You can’t change birth order, but you can treat conflict

“Birth order is definitely something that a lot of people talk about on social media, and it certainly has an impact on who we are as people, especially our relationships with our parents,” Sagaram says, but “it’s the only It’s certainly not a factor.”

If your relationship with your family is strained and you want to blame it on your birth order, you can do that, but there are ways to repair it, she says.

“We cannot change the birth order. It is something we are born with and sticking to something like that can cause more harm,” said Sagaram. .

She says it’s possible to have good, healthy relationships with your parents and siblings, regardless of your birth order.

If you are suffering, therapy is a healing tool

“If that were the case, I would definitely say this.” [you] He is the oldest brother, [you’re] If you’re experiencing things like being a perfectionist, having impostor syndrome, or feeling a lot of pressure to perform, going to therapy can help,” Clark says. said.

Therapy can help people deal with unhealed trauma, connect their behavior to childhood events and uncover patterns in their lives that need to change, she said.

If you come from a family with broken bonds and toxic relationships, family therapy is an additional tool to help improve your relationship with your loved one, Clark added.

If you need support, you can find a mental health professional through: American Psychiatric Association Search Toolabove Psychology Today database or through resources such as inclusive therapist and therapy for black girls.

This post was first published HuffPost.