“My parents abused me when I was a child. You keep asking me to get involved.I don’t want to.What are my rights?”
I read the long message over and over again and felt an overwhelming sense of dread. I was in the same “no contact” situation as my aging father. (Not contacting is a strategy many adult victims of child abuse and neglect use to live separate lives from their abusers. Not meant, but a lot of the time it protects and keeps a child who has been abused free.When he’s older, would someone expect me to be involved in his care? Were there any precedents for such situations?
Many states have filial piety laws that require adult children to support elderly or needy parents. California Family Law 4400-4405 states, “Any adult child who, despite being able to do so, is unable to provide needed food, clothing, shelter, or medical care for a needy parent shall be charged with a misdemeanor. I have sinned,” he said. There are 26 states with filial piety laws, including the one far away where my father lives.
The court system has historically attempted to obtain payments from adult children to cover nursing home and other medical costs. Parents who are eligible for Medicaid cannot use the Filial Parent Act to force their adult children to pay child support. However, if you don’t qualify for Medicaid, the state may seek to pursue payments from your child regardless of their relationship to their aging parents.
This question caused a great deal of discussion in my group of doctors. We often talk about “what is right” and “forgiveness.” But what if forgiveness harms families who had to find a way to survive on their own? What if the abuser didn’t ask for forgiveness or accept their wrongdoing? What if there are many good reasons to keep no contact or limited contact?
There are two immediate and serious problems.
On the one hand, my father was abusive and neglectful, and asked me to move out of my home state home when I was 16. I left there and spent the next three years of his life in California as his teen homeless. Without his help, I graduated from high school, had a family, and started attending community college. I eventually got married, transferred to UCLA, and became a high school science teacher. In my early 30s, I entered medical school, took out large student loans, and struggled to support my family on loans. While I was in school, I had several part-time jobs in order to set the table. My husband worked full-time, but between loans and employment income, it was still very difficult to keep the bills paid and get a medical education. However, I graduated and started my family medicine residency training in California in 2014. We were matched to an area with a high cost of living, and most of our residency salaries were used for housing. We continued to struggle financially until 2017 when I became my primary care physician.
My father never paid a penny for my education and often boasted that he was not involved in my life or the lives of my grandchildren. When I cut contact with him in 2017, at the urging of my children who were aware of the toxic relationship long before I did, he never questioned it. It’s been a while and he hasn’t called or asked why I stopped communicating with him. was.
But on the other hand, he is now showing signs of dementia. He is in his late 70’s and his health is declining. He’s been saying for years of his life that I “don’t remember” the events of his childhood and his teenage years, but it’s possible he doesn’t even remember the damage he caused. there is. He probably doesn’t remember me being forcibly detained and unnecessarily put in a psychiatric hospital when I was his 11 years old, where he was abused and coerced drugged. He probably ran away from home when I was 13 years old to escape the threat of being sent back to a hospital, wilderness camp, group his home, or anywhere else he wanted to send me. you don’t remember He never spoke about the fact that I was indicted for stealing money from him when he was 13 and was consequently sentenced to up to two years in North Carolina’s highest security juvenile prison. I didn’t like it.No, he doesn’t remember those things. But I’ll do it They changed me as a mother, former teacher, doctor, and advocate for youth rights. I cannot get involved.
As a doctor, society would expect me to be able to financially support my aging parents. I have heard similar concerns about frail elderly patients who are hospitalized and whose families are not involved in medical decisions or post-discharge planning. We strongly believe that there is no “one size fits all” approach to managing the many patients we have treated over the years. Wherever significant childhood trauma occurred, adult survivors have every right to live as they see fit, whether that includes abusers or not. Regardless of what others think is right or wrong, I do not intend to remain bound by someone who has done me such grave harm.
We should all think carefully about the family dynamics of aging adults. Family members often have reasons to lose contact and their needs are also important.
Cheryl Lesinos is a hospitalist Hindsight: coming-of-age ceremony on the streets of Hollywood.
