Dear Amy: I’ve struggled in the past with how to discreetly check attendance for certain events, but now that I’m facing this issue again, I’d like to hear your thoughtful thoughts.
I am part of a large family (siblings, cousins, etc.) who are all really successful and incredibly wealthy. I am proud of all their successes. But I’m in a much different situation.
I am a retired adult, the sole full-time caregiver of an adult child with a disability, living on a fairly limited budget. That said, when I was invited to a large festive event that required managing long flights, expensive travel plans, and difficult time zone shifts with my children, I regretted simply not being able to attend. I confirmed what I was thinking.
We have now been invited to another extravagant celebration planned over several days.
As great as it sounds, this trip will be very expensive and arduous. I worry that my family will think I don’t care if I just decline the RSVP.
Should I simply decline the RSVP and politely decline, or would it be appropriate to say that I would like to attend the celebration but the travel and expenses are beyond our control at this time?
— worried but struggling
Dear Stakeholder: Your wealthy family may anticipate that you won’t be able to attend the event. It’s a polite way to thank them for their invitation and express your joy for them and your enthusiasm for their event, but unfortunately you have to miss it.
For an elaborate international celebration, you can add: We hope you had a great time. I look forward to hearing about it when you return. ”
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been married for over 40 years. He always had strong likes and dislikes.
A few years ago I moved closer to my son and his family.
Until recently, I didn’t realize how much my husband hated my son’s mother-in-law, “June” (she also lives nearby).
For the past year my husband has refused to attend any holiday functions if we have June. Of course, this burdens me.
No one knows how he feels, including June (only me).
He usually makes excuses and I go alone.
Not only will it hurt my son, but it will also hurt and offend our beloved daughter-in-law, so we can’t let him know.
I became very unhappy and bitter towards my husband regarding his feelings.
Should I choose between him and his family?
— Sad in Florida
dear sad: You don’t have to choose between your husband and your family. I give you full permission to live your life and enjoy your relationships.
If your husband wants to opt out of family gatherings and be moody at home (or pursue his own social agenda), he will ask himself questions about who will be attending, revealing his own lies, reasons, Or you can provide an excuse for staying away.
Basically, I’m suggesting that you leave this alone and resist the temptation to manage your husband’s relationship for him.
If your son is wondering why his father does not attend family functions, you should answer: He’s his own man, so you should ask him what he thinks. ”
Dear Amy: “A Devoted Auntie” writes about relatives she has provided financial support to in the past.
She now faces a request to help with the down payment on the house. Your suggestion was to set it up as a loan.
This is a very good suggestion to help this codependent niece recognize the value her aunt has provided her.
However, this will affect the niece’s ability to obtain a loan for the remaining value of the house. The bank can require a signed statement from the aunt stating that the money provided is a gift.
— loyal reader
Dear Reader: you’re right! The “Dedicated Auntie” should investigate all financial and legal implications before this transaction.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy again Facebook.)
