Jennifer Breheny Wallace is a journalist, parenting researcher, and author of Never Enough: When Achievement Pressure becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It.
Source: Joe Bryan Photography
For many parents, it feels natural to worry about their children. In an increasingly uncertain world, we want to make sure they are on the right path and equipped with the tools they need to succeed.
But when worry gets out of control and turns into anxiety, it can have a negative impact on you and your child’s mental health. According to award-winning journalist and parenting researcher Jennifer Breheny Wallace, it can do more harm than good and can even undermine a child’s ability to succeed in the long run.
Wallace is the author of the book “Never Enough: When Achievement Pressure becomes Toxic — and What We Can Do About It,” for which he collaborated with the Harvard Graduate School of Education to survey 6,500 parents across the United States. (she also holds a Ph.D.) from Harvard University. )
“I’ve never felt so uncertain and so anxious about the future,” Wallace told CNBC Make It. “Parents today believe that getting their children into a ‘good college’ serves as a kind of life jacket in a sea of economic uncertainty.”
But when that concern becomes anxiety, it can spread from mom or dad to their children through a process psychologists call “emotional contagion.”
What we learned from various studies Rising mental health issues It has been conducted over the past 10 years among college students across the United States.one of the recent healthy mind research Of the 96,000 college students in the United States, 37% reported suffering from an anxiety disorder, and 15% said they had seriously considered suicide within the past year.
Anxiety and depression are linked, and psychologists say that people who suffer from either or both suffer from decreased motivation, fear of failure, and difficulty achieving important goals. They say that they may not be able to take the necessary risks.
“Unfortunately, what I’ve seen in the press and what the statistics and studies are showing are the very life jackets we want to put on our children to survive an uncertain future. But the truth is…it’s acting.”It’s more like a lead vest, and it’s drowning many of the children we’re trying to protect,” she added.
So a counterintuitive way to help kids keep their heads above water is to model to them how to deal with stress.
Wallace suggests reframing your outlook. Manage your own anxiety so you don’t put too much pressure on your children. Your belief in their resilience and unconditional love can benefit them much more in the long run.
Wallace points out that a parent’s role is to equip their children with the skills to survive in the world as adults, especially after their parents are no longer there to help them. In that sense, parental anxiety is literally an evolutionary response to help parents sniff out and react to dangers their children may face.
Still, “biological tripwires can cause false positives,” Wallace wrote. This means that parents become overly concerned and overreact about factors that don’t actually threaten their child’s safety. For example, when entering a famous university.
For example, you may overreact to fear that your child will not get into the Ivy League or your state’s flagship university because you believe that their long-term safety depends on it. .
It is called “Principle of smoke detector” Wallace says, citing Randolph Ness, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Michigan, one of the many scientists he interviewed for his book. It all started with a burnt bagel.
It can be helpful to remind yourself that the panic you’re feeling is a false alarm.
Let’s reconsider the way we think about worrying about our children’s future. At the end of the day, Wallace says it’s probably okay even if things don’t go the way you envisioned. After all, attending a highly selective university, or any university at all, does not guarantee a high income in the long run. research has shown.
And success can take many different and often unexpected forms.
Wallace said in his book: tina payne brysonThe child and adolescent psychotherapist offered four questions parents can ask themselves to think about the anxieties they’re communicating to their children.
- What extracurricular activities are on your child’s calendar? “How do they spend their time? Is it a lot of outcome-oriented activities or tutoring? [and] Such a thing? ” says Wallace.
- What do you spend money on for your children? “What about tutoring, coaching, and traveling sports leagues?” she says.
- What questions do you ask your child every day? Do you only care about whether they passed the math test or do you care about their grades and what they care about?
- What do you argue with your child about?
“Those four questions are [tell you] It’s so important what you’re communicating to your kids,” Wallace says.
Most parents probably think that they don’t place much importance on how well their children do in school or other activities. However, if you take a closer look at the conversations you have with your child and their schedule, you may find that you are contributing to the pressure and stress they are feeling, or that your child’s values are changing. It may even reinforce the idea that it is tied to performance.
In addition to psychologists and parents, Wallace interviewed students across the United States for his book. Of the children she spoke to, those who struggled the most with anxiety and other mental health issues, both in school and other competitive activities, said they “feel like their worth as a person depends on their performance.” “These were kids who were doing well,” she says.
Conveying the idea that a child will be loved and accepted no matter what is rarely the goal of any parent or teacher.
“The challenge of adolescence is to help teenagers develop a solid sense of self,” says Wallace. “When we send messages to them in the broader culture, at home, in the classroom, we undermine that your worth is conditional, not unconditional.”
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