Going to therapy used to be something that was done in secret — not something you talked about in public, not even with friends or family. But today, in some circles, the idea of therapy has shifted from being stigmatized to being something everyone should do.
Therapy is a common word these days. You’ll often see “I’m in therapy” on dating profiles. Some people consider going to therapy to be as important to their health as exercising or brushing their teeth.
Therapy has certainly helped countless people understand themselves and the world around them.
But do we need to think about our mental health with the same obsessiveness that we think about, say, our dental health? What if we go to therapy and get nothing? The same thing over and over again? What if it keeps repeating itself, or even makes you feel worse?
What if… it’s time to stop treatment?
Melissa Dahla health journalist andTiresomely: The theory of awkwardness” I asked that question in a recent article. Hot Topic Cut it.
In the article, Dahl speaks with psychologists and patients who have abandoned or insist on abandoning treatment. Dar spoke with Kousha Navidar. In a recent episode She spoke on “All of It” about the press, retirement and more. An edited version of the conversation is below.
Kosha Navidar: Melissa, how would you characterize the trajectory of our cultural attitude toward therapy that I mentioned at the beginning?
Melissa Dahl: It was really interesting — I’m just an adult now, I’m not that old actually — but therapy started as something that wasn’t talked about. Maybe you were a little embarrassed about it. It had a negative connotation… to this thing that people post on dating apps. They only want to date people who are in therapy.
Ariana Grande’s latest album lists three different therapeutic concepts in one verse: codependency, therapy, and self-soothing.
It’s just become a shadow of something that is pretty widespread in certain circles.
I would like to talk to you about various treatments. Can you put these different treatments into perspective?
Dahl: In this piece, I focused on the broadest definition when you hear the word “therapy”: basic talk therapy.
These are the things people generally refer to when talking about therapy. There are also other things like: physical therapy It’s more body focused.Or something like EMDRwhich uses a kind of pulse that is said to be really effective for trauma.
But my work was really focused on talk therapy.
What stories have you heard from people who have stopped treatment?
Dahl: I spoke with about 15 or 20 people who had recently left therapy. It was actually surprisingly easy to find story material. Nearly all of them told me they had come to therapy to talk about something specific — a breakup or a family crisis — and they stayed. They stayed for years and years.
And it was useful until it stopped being useful, that is, until I found myself rereading the same old subject matter, or getting hooked on something I was probably not really passionate about.
Most people who stop therapy say they’ll come back. It’s not that they were against therapy, but they come back with a different mindset. They go to therapy with some little problem they want to talk about, they talk about it, and then they go back to their non-therapy lives.
Someone called me. Hello, Mr. Lee. Welcome to the show.
Lee: I went to therapy. I think everyone should go to therapy at least once. Especially if you need it. Therapy was really great and very helpful. I started thinking, “Okay, when is this going to end? When will we know it’s over?” I mustered up the courage to ask that question. And she said, “Oh, you’re just getting started.”
And that was the day I quit. And I’ve been doing great things ever since.
I’m sure you’ve heard a lot of stories like this, Melissa. I mean, it’s an interesting dynamic, right? Do therapists have an incentive to continue doing that?
Dahl: From a clinician’s perspective, there’s probably an incentive to have a client that reliably brings in money every week. But the psychologists I talk to, and most therapists you talk to, will tell you that the goal is not something like indefinite therapy.
The goal is to give you tools that you can apply to your own life and actually use those tools.
So what people often say is, you go to therapy. You talk to your therapist about these tools, but you end up not applying them. But then you come out of therapy and that safety net is taken away and you’re like, “Okay, I have to figure this out on my own. But I was in therapy so I know how to do it. I’ve learned this.”
Do you have any insight into how to talk to all these clinicians and move the conversation forward about an end date?
Dahl: That’s what you can bring! In many cases, you’re probably in therapy to work on your communication.
I actually think it’s really important not to lose contact with your therapist and stop going, because I think one of the purposes of therapy is to model the interpersonal and communication skills that you want to use outside of therapy.
I tried to stay in touch with my therapist at the beginning of this year, but I thought, “Okay, I’m done.”
She urged me to come in for just one more session to talk things through. I think most therapists I’ve spoken to have a similar approach; they help you gradually calm down. Many of them are very happy that you feel ready to graduate.
I think that’s something that should be brought up quite frankly.
The therapist is on the phone now. Joe from Queens, welcome to the show.
Joe: Let me just say this: Freud said that therapy is over when you are able to love, be loved, and work. That’s it. The therapy is over.
Therapists shouldn’t keep you on longer than necessary, and should check in from time to time, and when the relationship reaches an equilibrium and you and the therapist begin to feel more at peace, that’s a sign the relationship is nearing its end.
And when you say, “It’s over,” “It’s over,” that’s it. It’s over, it’s over. You can also ask if you would like to come back and have another session. that’s it. When the patient says, “It’s over,” that’s it.
Melissa, you write about how the idea of therapy became so popular after it was so heavily criticized.
Dahl: It’s interesting to see how it’s built into itself…I think there’s been a lot of chatter, frankly, about how the so-called nuisance is done. Therapy Talk Especially when misused.
I want to be clear. I think it’s ultimately a positive thing that we as a culture are comfortable talking about mental health and the desire to better ourselves and understand how we work.
Once you reach a certain stage, self-examination may not be as helpful as it was at the beginning.
In fact, there’s a lot of research linking excessive self-focus to depression and anxiety. So that’s not the exact goal.
I still have some calls coming in. I want to go to Cathy in Manhattan.
Kathy: Thanks dear. Here’s my story. I had a really good therapist for several years who helped me with family issues, my father’s illness, work-related issues, and gave me the courage to quit a job I was no longer satisfied with.
But then I hit a plateau and felt like I could take a break because I was feeling better. I am someone who has been to therapy on and off for years because I thought it would help. But it was time for a break. She acted like I was irresponsible, like I broke up with her.
And I was like, “I’m done,” and I think that was very unprofessional. And then a few years later, when my husband was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer and he was nearing death, I thought, “Oh, maybe I could ask for a therapist again.”
And I wanted to go back to her because she knew me and we already had a relationship, but I felt like I couldn’t go back to her because I thought that would be too unprofessional.
So what did you do?
Cathy: Found someone else.
Was the new therapist effective?
Cathy: Yes. That’s exactly right.
That’s great. Thanks for calling. Let’s go to Doris in Trenton, New Jersey.
Doris: My question after hearing Mr. Dahl’s story is that I think your decision to continue therapy has a lot to do with the specific goals your therapist gives you. It seemed like a lot of the times I saw a therapist, it was really unclear. I just want your feelings about it.
Melissa, what do you think?
Dahl: If you have a good relationship with your therapist, if your therapist is a well-meaning clinician who wants what’s best for you, then ideally that means you can work together and end the relationship. It could become something.
It also reminds me of the last time I spoke about a disappointing experience I had with someone trying to end our therapeutic relationship, and it was such a shame, but it reminded me a bit of a story I heard from one of the therapists I spoke to for this story.
She said, “We worship therapists too much.” And she said, “I’m just human. I can’t know everything.” So I think there’s room to remember this as a person in a relationship, just like anyone else in a relationship.
