Dear Amy: I recently graduated with a master’s degree.
My mother and mother-in-law flew separately from opposite sides of the country to my graduation.
I appreciate both of you for coming, but while my MIL was here, she repeatedly made comments that made me feel like my degree was being disrespected.
She said my graduation was really for her husband. Because her husband supported me throughout my school life.
He worked full-time to support us, and I worked full-time while attending school.
She gave him a graduation gift and a shirt that read, “I survived my wife’s graduate degree.”
I was shocked and hurt by this, but she continued to encourage him to wear it on the actual graduation day.
I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my achievements as clearly very difficult for him.
After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (in tears), but he said he understood what I was saying, but it was a joke.
For the rest of the visit, she kept asking him to wear the shirt, but he kept dodging questions and didn’t because he knew it would upset me.
I grinned and tried to bear it, but I felt deeply hurt and ridiculed.
She had a pattern of making slightly negative comments about my degree and future work.
I’d love to discuss this, but it’s been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her after the fact to tell her how I feel.
I appreciate her coming, but at the end of the day, my feelings were still hurt. How can I call her girlfriend and explain my feelings?
— Recent Alumni
Dear Alumni: Your husband’s mother decided to make a big deal for him to coincide with your graduation and disrespected you in the process. Her preferential treatment is embarrassing and ridiculous (and sexist in my opinion). With this in mind, you may want to address your lingering susceptibilities honestly but carefully.
When you call, first thank her for making the trip to celebrate your graduation. Tell her, “There’s something that bothers me, and it’s still in her head, so I thought I’d talk to you about it.” You said a few things over the weekend that sounded like you didn’t appreciate my degree or my profession. I hope you understand that I am sensitive as I have worked hard to achieve this. do you really think so? ”
Give her a chance to respond, listen with intent, and do your best to move this encounter from confrontation to conversation. that you value her husband’s support, and that since you have obtained this advanced degree, do her best to support her husband in the style he is accustomed to. assure her of
Dear Amy: We are a family with grown children and grandchildren.
We are totally confused how to treat everyone fairly at Christmas and birthdays.
We love all of our family members, but should we give each family group a gift of equal value? Should we give each family group a gift of equal value?
Either way, we don’t feel it’s completely “fair” because the number of children doesn’t equal the number of families.
I think many families are asking the same questions, and many have chosen different ways to even out their gifts.
After some discussion, we thought maybe we had an idea for you to consider.
—What is a fair?
Dear Fair?: My first idea is to revise the concept of “fairness” to include ideals that are more important than price.
Did you raise your children by encouraging them to compare the monetary value of gifts, or did you assure them that there is a way things can be even if they are treated with love and fairness?
I hope it’s the latter.
One way to give more or less equally is to give the family an ‘experience’. You can sponsor trips they want to participate in, or pay for summer camps or music lessons.
Dear Amy: I could have written a letter from an “intolerant caregiver” who was struggling with the negative attitudes and demands of an aging mother.
In addition to your supportive advice, any caregiver will benefit from a caregiver support group. Talking and venting with other people who struggle with the same issues has really helped me.
— still caring
Dear Caring Ones: Video chat has made joining these groups even easier. A good place to start is with your local aging authority.
(You can email Amy Dickinson to [email protected] or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @askingamy again Facebook. )
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