IIt’s not every day that a psychologist identifies a hot new character archetype. Human Design doesn’t typically generate media articles about “fall/winter’s most talked about personality traits.” But something close to this is playing out in the current interest in so-called “dark empaths.”
On TikTok, the term has more than 2.6 million mentions and is trending. There is also #DarkpathokhashtagEven better, then, are the latest videos with creepy titles like “When Empaths Go Dark” and “The Most Dangerous Personality.” An indication of how widespread this idea has been is that when I mentioned this phrase to my hairdresser, he kindly explained it to me:
Dark empaths were first identified in a study published in 2021. Journal Personality and Individual Differences. The researchers defined this as a “new psychological construct” regarding individuals with high levels of empathy, alongside what are known as “dark traits.” How this plays out in practice is that people who appear to be caring and sensitive are actually using those skills to advance their own agendas.
But how can we create empathy? Can’t we humans sense when it’s happening? It turns out there are multiple types of empathy. The deeply caring type that most of us understand is called “emotional empathy,” and it’s real. “It’s about how much I feel what you feel,” says Nadja Haim, co-author of the research study and associate professor of personality psychology and psychopathology at Nottingham Trent University. says. “So, for example, if you feel sad, I feel sad too. But there’s also another type known as cognitive empathy. The script in that case would be: ‘What do you think? I understand your mental state. But I don’t really care about that. ”And this information is important for dark empaths. Because if they want to predict your behavior, they need to understand what you’re thinking in order to try to control you. ”This stealth operation can be very unsettling if you are the victim of it.
Yasmin works in event management. “It was a very sociable atmosphere, and my new boss Elaine liked to treat us to a Friday afternoon ‘drinks wagon’, passing a few bottles of fizz around the desk. The night often ended in a pub. ” Soon, her boss started sharing confidences about her personal life, revealing that Yasmin was struggling to get pregnant. “My boss also became a good friend and mentor, and I was very happy to see that office life became more enjoyable.”
Things start to get weird when Elaine opens up about how stress is affecting her health. She frequently asked Yasmin to take on additional work. “Knowing how much pressure she was under from management, I was happy to help her. She also hinted at me that a promotion was coming up. But then… , she embarked on a not-so-subtle campaign to try to dissuade me from the idea of starting a family. I often asked her if she didn’t want to. In hindsight, I realize how outrageous a line this was. At the time, I really thought she cared about me. .”
After a few months, Yasmin finally realized she was pregnant. “I was nervous to tell Elaine, but I didn’t expect such an extreme reaction. She became enraged and started shrieking. ‘After all this I’ve done for you! , how could you do this to me?’ Then she excluded me from the meeting and when the hot promotion was advertised, I wasn’t even on the shortlist. . Of course, I could have gone to HR, but what would I have gotten out of it? I decided I never wanted to work with that woman again and transferred to another department before my daughter was born. But I’m still annoyed at myself for trusting her. ”
Unfortunately, dark empaths are very good at forcing their prey to release their defenses. “They intellectually frame the other person’s weaknesses, where their loyalties lie, and what their insecurities are,” he explains. Wendy Behari, therapist and author of Disarming the Narcissist.
“They crave this knowledge because they can use it to manipulate them. For example, in a romantic relationship, a dark empath may be concerned about his wife’s performance at work or how she is perceived professionally. Suppose you know that you get a lot of pride from being loved or having a great job. That means that the dark empath feels like he or she can be usurped by others. Her success at work makes her feel special and gives him power over her. So, in this scenario, he usually plots to bring down the person. I know it’s important, but that dress makes me look like a piece of mutton in lamb’s skin.” I’m so surprised, I thought you’d know better. ”It’s all a shame. ”
Like their close relatives, narcissists, dark empaths are territorial. Behari said it’s common for these types of people to be ostracized by friends, family, and co-workers. “Being isolated means you’re more likely to doubt yourself, and dark empaths can make you second-guess and distort reality. So this is also a form of gaslighting. You can only really pull it off if you have a very good understanding of other people’s weaknesses, and that’s where the empath part comes in.”
One of the reasons there is so much interest in these types of people is because they present us with the puzzle of good and evil wrapped up in the same package. At the most demonic level, a dark empath may come in the form of a Jimmy Savile type. His skill at winning people’s trust by pretending to be a philanthropist has allowed him to reach vulnerable young girls. But that’s an extreme example. What’s most surprising about recent dark empath research is how widespread this phenomenon is.
“We identified that it was a combination of traits exhibited by 19.3% of the 1,000 people surveyed,” Heim says. Does that mean almost one in five of us have this personality type? Heim warns. “Yes, but traits exist on a continuum. Not everyone has a personality disorder.”
When political candidates pretend to listen to voters’ issues in order to win votes, it’s just one example of dark empathy that has become commonplace. It could also be a neighbor who always has time to chat, but that’s just because they want to get gossip out of you. Or a frenemy who eagerly asks for information about all your problems in order to increase their sense of superiority. “Our study focused on the general population and high levels of empathy, combined with the prevalence of what we call the dark triad maladaptive personality traits,” Heim explains.
Dark Triad sounds like the title of a flimsy horror series. What exactly does this term mean? “It involves three main characteristics,” says Heim. “Psychopathy (impulsive and ruthless), narcissism (grandiose and entitled), and Machiavellianism (strategic and manipulative). For some people, these traits overlap in a dark core. ” Think of this as a rather unstable Venn diagram.
One of the reasons why dark empaths are so difficult to identify is that most of us don’t pay attention to fake sympathies. Shona met Ian at a local running club. “I was a beginner, unathletic and overweight. He was very encouraging and supportive. He was a little shy and soft-spoken. I trusted him. Ian talked about the amount of money he raised for charity, his volunteer work at food banks, and how he coached a junior football team.
Soon they became a couple and everything was great. But after just a few weeks, Shona started to feel uneasy about him. “We met one evening and I was upset because my grandmother had been taken to hospital. Ian was saying the right words, but something was unraveling. When I thought about it, I glanced at his face, and the look on his face was one of disdain. I knew I was probably just imagining it, but there were other signs that something wasn’t right. He was always keen to present himself as this caring person, but one night I came home and found him berating a delivery driver.
Then one day, another woman at the club took her aside. “She didn’t say much, only that she was also involved with Ian until he left her for another person, another runner at the club. He followed a well-known pattern of picking up new female members. To be honest, he’s not as much of a Lothario as you might imagine, which is why he’s able to fool so many women. I broke up with him and he was furious. I also learned that most of the good deeds he said were completely fictional.
It may be easier to identify dark empaths in romantic or friendship relationships than in work relationships, Heim suggests. “Dark empaths don’t usually go out of their way to hide their lack of empathy to the same extent because they usually have little to gain from relationships.” That said, no matter the context, if you have doubts about someone, If so, there are some signs to look out for. “Be careful if they use kindness or sympathy to get something. Are there any ulterior motives? Evidence that they can be ruthless towards others.” Or are they more hostile than you would normally expect? Are they always made to feel guilty when things don’t go as planned?”
You may also want to observe how the person treats others. This personality type prefers to meet people one-on-one, so pay attention to what they say to you and how they interact with temporary connections like waiters and taxi drivers. . Also, listen carefully, even if you do not meet your friend. About how they talk about themselves. “They’re very picky about who they get close to, but maybe there’s an underlying motive? They make jokes at other people’s expense in order to belittle others. Are they nice to some people and mean to others?” Heim added.
In this data-driven culture, we are increasingly expected to evaluate others on paper before meeting them, whether in love or at work. Especially when it comes to spending time evaluating people you don’t know. “It can take a long time to know if you’re involved with a dark empath, and the signs can be subtle,” says Heim. “The more time you spend with them, the more you start to notice strange things about them. And you have to think: Is this something you can handle? Can you tolerate their behavior?” Can I do that? Or is there a problem?”
Psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber believes that the self-help metaphors popularized by social media may have facilitated the work of dark empaths. “Sometimes, dark empathy has something to do with this prevalence of ‘impostor syndrome,’ which was once a revolutionary and helpful term, but has now turned into people signaling false vulnerabilities.” “Oh, I don’t feel good enough, other people feel like they belong and I don’t” – Subtext: You can totally trust me.
Another tactic related to this, Fox Weber says, is “playing like a saint. I’m always very wary of people who say their problems are ‘excessive.’ Masu. This is a lesson to me. Be wary of people who are strangely constantly involved in the details and scenarios of other people’s lives. I don’t know if they are trying to use that information to bring the other down, or at least maintain a sense of superiority. ”
After researching this topic, I wondered if labels like “psychopath,” “narcissist,” and “dark empath” served any useful function. Being an armchair psychologist can be fun when discussing the antics of celebrities like Donald Trump and the Menendez brothers. But is it a good thing to generate so much suspicion when it comes to analyzing people in our own lives? That’s a fact,” Fox-Weber said. “Take narcissism, for example. At one time only Greek mythologists would mention it, and then only therapists. But that being said, the term ‘dark empath’ certainly has a useful function. I think it is fulfilling its purpose. It reminds us that incredible sensitivity and insensitivity can coexist, otherwise there is no way to understand such behavior. ”
Some names have changed.
