You have cracked the code.
You have studied personality styles. You noticed the red flag. Patterns of behavior are becoming clearer every day. And now you are convinced that you are dealing with a narcissist.
There's only one thing left to do. Tell this person that they are a narcissist. right?
mistaken.
Experts agree that one of the worst things not to do in a narcissistic relationship is to tell the other person that they're a narcissist, even if you're right. That's because doing so almost always does more harm than good.
“By definition, a narcissistic personality style implies a lack of self-awareness, a lack of self-reflection,” he says. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist and author of Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. “If you think saying something like this to someone will lead to a productive conversation, it never will.”
What happens if you call out a narcissist?
While it's tempting to blame narcissists, experts say it's important to understand how narcissists respond to accusations.
Narcissists cannot handle even the slightest criticism or feedback because it undermines their grand sense of self. Therefore, no matter how kind your words are, if you call someone a narcissist, they will be harsh on you.
“They'll get yelled at, made to feel guilty, called critical or mean, and probably given a list of reasons why they think they're a narcissist,” he says. chelsea coleHe is a psychotherapist and author of If Only I'd Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.
Additionally, narcissists are a personality style that is very resistant to change, so criticizing them will likely do nothing to improve their behavior.
“Many people believe that if they can get the narcissist to realize who they are and how harmful their behavior is, the narcissist will change, or at least realize that what they are doing is harmful. “I think it's going to be impossible to deny,” Cole said. “But narcissists already know that what they're doing is harmful. They just don't care.”
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Stephanie SerkisHe is a psychotherapist and author of Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recovering from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse. It states that it follows the pattern of The culprit in that situation.
“They will punish you by turning things around,” Serkis says. “They may also punish you with rage. They may also punish you with silence, like sabotage where they act as if you don't even exist.”
Durvasula warns people to expect “a big gas-lit word salad” after calling out a narcissist.
“If you think saying something like this to someone is going to spark a productive conversation, it's just not going to happen,” she says.
There are different types of narcissists.Are you a narcissist magnet? Here's how to tell it:
What should I do instead?
Durvasula says the power of recognizing narcissism lies not in blaming the narcissist, but in seeing clearly what is happening to you.
That way, you can make an informed decision about how to proceed.
“Now I know how to deal with them,” she says. “You have more realistic expectations about their behavior and how you interact with them, and you know how to know what they can and cannot do.”
Durvasula urges people to be especially careful when criticizing narcissists in professional settings such as the workplace or the courtroom. Doing so, she says, “may give you the perception that you're more difficult or problematic.”
If you have to deal with a narcissist, Durvasula recommends focusing on specific behaviors to avoid being labeled by someone else. For example, he could ask you not to look at his phone while you're talking, or ask him to stop taking selfies so often.
Just don't expect your words to actually make a difference.
“You're far more likely to have a productive conversation if you point out a behavior than if you've ever told someone someone is a narcissist. The chances of it even happening are pretty slim,” Durvasula says. .
more:What happens when a narcissist becomes a parent? They force these roles on their children.
Even knowing how a narcissist responds to criticism, some people may still want to call the narcissist out anyway, especially if they are already planning on ending the relationship.
Cole says that if you have to call a narcissist, you should do it knowing what will happen next. You should also do it only for your own healing, rather than hoping to encourage the narcissist to change.
“You have to go in with your eyes wide open, knowing that you're going into the lion's den and that you're probably going to be reprimanded, criticized, and asked why you're a narcissist,” she says. “But only do it if necessary for your healing.”
