How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
dear way,
My wife married “Joe” right out of college, but they divorced less than two years later. They had one child together, Patrick, but Joe hasn’t seen his father in years, as Patrick has struggled with drug and alcohol addiction throughout his life. One year, Joe appeared high as a kite at Patrick’s birthday party. It was so bad that during our son’s party he passed out and we thought he was going to overdose. Since then, we have decided to stop inviting Joe to things and consider having him meet Patrick only if he wants to. Joe never asked.
For a while, Patrick constantly asked about his biological father. Eventually he stopped asking. As you can imagine, it was pretty heartbreaking to see the child negotiate and finally accept that his biological father wanted nothing to do with him. Although I was scared for Patrick, I was also happy because I thought Joe was finally out of our lives.
Well, we recently discovered something disturbing.
Joe makes videos on OnlyFans where he has sex with all kinds of people: men, women, and trans women. His wife said she was disgusted and mortified that Patrick found out. She also claimed that she was embarrassed that her friends and family might see her. I hate to admit it, but I was curious.
Now I wish I had never seen it. I quickly realized that Joe was much better off than I was. I never once thought about his blessings. I think he thought he was bigger because I’m taller and stronger than him. But it’s not even close.
Now I feel inadequate and resentful toward my wife, which is interfering with my ability to function. The last time I tried to have sex, I couldn’t get an erection. I’ve never had erection problems before, but Joe’s ghost was looming over me and I couldn’t concentrate. It’s been 2 weeks and I’m scared to start having sex again. My wife always asks me, “What’s wrong?” and I have no shortage of excuses.
As long as Joe is on my wife’s mind, I don’t think I can perform. I know she must be disappointed every time she thinks about Joe compared to me. My wife always talked about her marriage to Joe as if she was miserable, but if she lied about Joe’s anatomy, I wonder what else she lied to me about. I think so. I feel stupid, betrayed and humiliated that she kept this from me for so many years. I also lost respect for her because I didn’t think she was the type of woman who would fall for a stupid guy just because he had a big dick. I thought she had more dignity and intelligence than that. It made me look at my wife and her first marriage in a different light, and I almost didn’t recognize the person I married.
I know I’m obsessed with this, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I was actually thinking about physically confronting Joe. I know this is weird, but I don’t know how else to resolve this situation and get him out of my wife’s head. If I hit Joe, it would eliminate my wife’s belief that Joe is more manly than me. It may seem silly, but I’m out of ideas and need to prove that I’m more manly than Joe.
—No footlongs allowed
Dear No Footlongs,
You’re not just obsessed, you’re writing fiction. One big penis won’t rot the hole. You “know” that your wife “must be disappointed every time she thinks of Joe compared to me.” no, you are not. There are many more important factors in sex than penis size. A big dick can enhance things, but it’s not everything. Maybe you’re more comfortable with that than Joe. He sounds like a real self-investor, which doesn’t bode well for his sexual performance. Also, when is your life? lie About Joe’s Anatomy? Claiming she lied about not telling you that her ex-lover was hanged? I disagree. But even if she somehow lied directly to your face (“Your dick is bigger than Joe’s”), well, given your outlandish reaction, I’m sure she would. I can see why. It’s not necessarily the pitfall you think. And who said she fell in love with him just because he had a big dick? that maybe It’s stimulating you but you don’t know it that. Have you ever talked to your wife about what she wants from a penis? Maybe you are faster than her. Maybe she stopped shopping when she saw your penis, which later became her husband’s penis.
Your anger towards your wife looks like pure projection. You are blaming her for your sin of being obsessed with her ex’s penis. Some of you are hanging yourself, stop it already. I don’t think you should beat up a man who is very concerned about the size of his penis. No one will see it as a valid reason and it will only make you look bad. Beating someone up because of their big dick is the most dickish and unmanly thing imaginable.
You also have a simple idea of what makes a man a man. You should watch gay and transgender porn. Many handsome women know that a big dick doesn’t make you manly. something about it teeth Closely related to masculinity is the ability to take care of the family. This is also a stereotype (nursing care is a gender-neutral job), but at least it’s positive. To this person’s son, you are the father that his wife’s ex-husband could never be. You are the one who ended up with this man’s ex-wife. you are winning. Don’t do anything that will cause more turmoil than your family has already experienced. That would be very irresponsible. Don’t make yourself a drama queen. You may want to talk to your therapist about this. If you don’t want to do that, suck up your emotions and don’t act on your impulses. Your wife probably won’t appreciate her husband putting himself in physical and legal danger. You’ll be entering a penis measuring contest that you’ve already lost.
-rich
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I’m a 42 year old woman and a virgin who has never been in a relationship. I’m so deeply ashamed of that fact that I can’t believe I wrote that. I won’t go into all the reasons why, but I will say that I have had extreme anxiety since I was a little girl. I am in therapy and on medication and it has a very strong grip on me. I’d like to tell a potential partner about this, but I’m afraid they’ll run away if they hear it. What should I do?
