Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have questions about care and feeding? Send from here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son is almost 18 and I know he is anxious about becoming an adult but he is becoming more and more obsessive while also becoming a hypochondriac. something My son has one self-diagnosis after another, from chronic fatigue syndrome and anemia to physically affecting epileptic “seizures” (ruled out by three doctors), and now lymphoma. I’ve reached out to his physical and mental care team for advice, but they’ve been largely unresponsive. I try to be patient and reassuring, but I’m close to losing my cool. My days are constantly interrupted by my son’s malingering. One minute he’s in pain, the next full of energy. To make matters worse, I’m now battling my own frightening diagnosis: a neurodegenerative disease with physical symptoms that make me shake and lose my balance. I haven’t told my kids much about it, and I’m trying to be brave, but watching my very healthy teenage son pretend to be in pain through seizures is not only hurtful, it’s infuriating. My partner tries to ignore it, but it drives me crazy.
—Actually, I’m sick
Dear Actually Sick,
If you’re not getting the support you need from your son’s care team, it may be time to make a change. Your son would benefit from seeing a therapist you trust – one who can communicate effectively with you. We don’t know if your son’s hypochondria is a real illness or just a symptom of his fears about adulthood, so try not to take your frustrations out on him. Make sure a doctor examines him thoroughly, and patiently remind him that he’s not ill.
Your son is old enough to find out about your own diagnosis. Hearing what you are going through may help him stop acting as if he is seriously ill. Explain to your son what is going on (being careful not to share this information with his siblings) and emphasize how different your condition is from his “sick one moment, fine the next” behavior. Focus on finding a mental health professional who can properly address your son’s issues. You need to know if your son is really lying or if he has reason to believe he is unwell. Ask your son to be sensitive to what you are going through and to believe the doctor when he tells you that he is fine.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am an African woman with a child by a Turkish man. We live together but he initially denied impregnating me and did not acknowledge the child until he took a paternity test when the child was 3 years old. My son’s father has a 19 year old son from a previous marriage. He will not introduce his son to the man and when I ask why he remains silent. I am considering leaving home and starting my own life with my son and am financially able to do so. Am I overreacting?
-fed up
To those of you who are fed up
I think the answer to your question lies in how he treats you in general. Based on what you’ve told me, I would say it’s probably not very good. It was cruel of him to deny your pregnancy. Even if he had strong reason to believe that the father of your child could have been someone else, he knew he had sex with you so there was certainly a chance that your son was his. Three years is a long time to not acknowledge a child. As for not introducing your son to his son, teeth It’s possible that his sons are not very good. But if their relationship seems good, perhaps there is a more sinister reason for him to separate them. I hate to say it, but I don’t think it’s wise to ignore the possibility that he is ashamed of having black children. There is a long history of non-black people lusting after black bodies but never respecting them enough to try to build healthy relationships with them. What is this man like for you? If he treats you with love and respect, then perhaps these things don’t matter. But if he makes you feel inferior or doesn’t show that he values you, then I think it’s time for you to move on. If so, be prepared for him to be a less than enthusiastic joint custodian and don’t be afraid to use the courts to force him to provide you with the support you deserve.
Care and Feeding Updates
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My daughter (teenager) is eating less and less. A few weeks ago she was eating 3 full meals a day and 2-3 snacks. Now she says she’s not hungry enough to eat 2 apples for breakfast and very little at dinner. She is supposed to have lunch at school, but for the past week we haven’t received any notifications that she has bought anything (her school uses an app system that notifies parents when their child has bought something). She barely eats any snacks.
I’m worried about her. I checked out her YouTube last night (she’s semi-aware that I check her phone). Her viewing history is full of “diet advice” and “weight loss goals.” FYI, she’s a healthy weight but short for her age, which makes her look a little chunky (I’ve never said anything to her about this, though). I don’t know how to start a conversation about this without getting defensive with her. All I want to do is help her.
— No weight loss needed, she’s still a teenager
No weight loss needed
Gently confront your daughter about the changes in her eating habits and what she finds in her search terms. Ask her why she thinks she needs to lose weight, if someone told her that, or if she is just comparing herself to other girls. Let her know that it is good that she wants to be healthy, but she doesn’t need to skip meals or count calories. Encourage her to eat a balanced diet and exercise regularly instead of pushing herself too hard. Talk to her about eating disorders and how dangerous it is for young people who are growing and need to eat a significant amount of food every day to restrict themselves. Involve your daughter in meal planning and help her find tasty foods that nourish her body without too much salt or sugar. Be body positive and expose her to media and books that feature characters with different body types. Avoid saying negative things in front of your daughter about your body type or the body types of others. Intuitive Eating Guide for Teens Here are some body positive tips to help you develop a healthy relationship with food. If you’re having trouble adapting to eating well, rather than just eating, do not have If she has an eating disorder, you should consider taking her to a therapist who treats adolescents with eating disorders. I’m not saying she has an eating disorder, but you don’t want to wait until she has one to take action.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am the father of a 16 year old daughter “Bianca”. We have always been close, but lately I am worried about her as she seems to want less and less time with me. Her mother (my wife) died a few months ago and it has affected Bianca deeply. Since her mother died, Bianca has been more and more alone. She doesn’t want to talk to me, eat with me, or spend time with me at all. When I ask her why, she says I make it “worse for her” (or something like that) but she never clearly explains what she means by that and I am left confused. When I try to talk to her or spend time with her, she just yells at me for no reason. I know she is upset about her mother (as am I). I bought her a book on grief but I don’t know what else to do.
-She won’t even look at me
She won’t,
Your daughter would do well to get counseling. She is dealing with one of the most devastating events that can happen to a human being, and at such a young age. Clearly, she feels unable to communicate her feelings to you. That may be because she doesn’t really understand them herself. Ideally, find a professional to meet with Bianca individually and with you. You would be wise to get help yourself as well. You have experienced a great loss, and now you are being asked to help your child deal with it. That is a very difficult task. It is good that you bought Bianca books about grief, but you should also read about how teenagers deal with death. A Parent’s Guide to Grieving Children Not only will it help you better understand what your daughter is going through, but it can also give you advice on how to cope. Try to keep the memory of your wife alive in your daughter’s life. Talk to her about your wife and hang pictures of her around the house. It may be difficult now, but over time, your daughter will benefit from keeping your wife close to her heart.
—Jamila
