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Dear Care and Feeding,
I recently became a full-time stepmom to a resourceful, creative, and wonderful 10-year-old girl. Unfortunately, her mother has chronic mental illness and has barely been functioning since I’ve known her. She lost custody a year ago for not being able to keep the apartment clean enough for her child to stay overnight and has essentially disappeared from her daughter’s life for the past 6 months. She calls a few times a week to chat for 5 minutes and takes her out to the movies about once a month. She has talked about, but not done, going through long-term inpatient treatment for her bipolar disorder/anxiety disorder/hoarding disorder/complex PTSD/PMDD.
Well, last week, he gave me a card.
It read: “Dear [name]I want to be able to call you Mommy. With love [kid]” My heart exploded with love, but was quickly followed by an aftertaste of guilt. I am so honored that this little girl loves and trusts me so much, but I know that her mother would be deeply hurt if she found out. In that moment, I told her that I was so touched and that she could call me whatever she wanted. But now I find myself questioning whether this is deepening the gap between her and her mother, and I don’t know what to do. Is it wrong for me to accept the title, or do I owe it to her real mother to hold it sacred?
-movie stepmother I wasn’t prepared for this.
Dear Mother-in-Law,
If you don’t want your stepdaughter to call you “Mom,” you don’t have to comply. But if you’re okay with that and your only concern is that her mother Might be If that’s how she feels, there may be ways to acknowledge that without erasing her image as a mother. For example, you could say something like, “I’m honored that you think of me as your mom. I hope we stay close. I also want you to know that you don’t have to choose between being close to me and being close to your mom, because we both love you very much.” You could also talk to your spouse about your concerns. How does your spouse feel about your kids calling you “Mom”? They may have their own concerns and perspectives.
Many people have more than one mother figure, for a variety of reasons. In general, it’s okay to let your children guide you in how you define the important people and relationships in your life. Your stepdaughter is old enough to know how she feels about you and your relationship. Again, she doesn’t have to accept a title that makes you uncomfortable, but your bond with her doesn’t necessarily have to diminish the bond she has with her mother.
—Nicole
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