Dear Richard,
An old friend is fed up with health, fitness and exercise and I don’t know what to do. We have known each other for many years and now live in neighboring villages. We are both retired but well off and in good health. Needless to say our usual meeting place was the pub but we never drank to excess.
My friend took up running, cycling and other exercise during lockdown and has seen impressive results, losing a lot of weight (although I think he proves the adage that after a certain age you have to choose between your body and your face). My stance is definitely to wish him the best of luck, although now he won’t meet up unless it involves some kind of exercise.
We’ve gone for runs together, but he’s much fitter than me and I know he finds it frustrating. We meet to take our dogs for walks and it’s my friend who’s pulling on the lead. The worst part is that pub lunches are not on the menu. I’ve tried but I would feel bad having a couple of beers while he has his lime and soda and there is definitely no food that meets his exacting requirements.
I feel like we are at a stage now where we should enjoy life and not be too hard on ourselves. I don’t like this feeling of being judged by people who I always felt were like-minded. How can we come together?
— Anonymous, Wiltshire
Dear Anonymous,
Hmm. I’m writing here elsewhere today about there being a season for everything, and I fear this friendship of yours has entered a winter of discontent.
You ask how you can reconcile, but you’ve probably tried all you’ve done already: joining a friend on a run, trying to walk the dog faster together, trying to meet up at the pub, but it doesn’t work because he doesn’t like alcohol and is picky about food.
In other words, he’s just not funny anymore. Your friendship was never based on fitness and diet, but now both elements dominate every time you meet. This isn’t what you wanted, right? While it’s appreciated that you sincerely wish your friend well in his or her personal fitness endeavors, that doesn’t mean you have to come along on that journey.
I think what’s needed here is a little honesty: tell your friend exactly what you told me. Explain that trying to do things his way leaves you feeling frustrated and inadequate, and be honest about how much you miss being able to just sit back, relax, and chat over a drink and a nice meal.
Even if it’s just once every two weeks, ask if you can make an exception for his habits when you meet up. He’s not going to choose friendship over fitness; you can have both. He just needs to incorporate your lifestyle a little more into his own. That’s what friendship is all about, right?
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