Hello. Welcome to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read advice from our resident deputy editor and boss, a Capricorn Jew. Submit your dilemma anonymously here.
Hi Alma,
I’m so angry that I want someone to acknowledge my feelings. For the past six years, my friends and I have been doing Friendsgiving together. It started when we were in college, and many of us stayed in the same city after graduation, continuing the tradition. It’s a large gathering, usually at least 20 people. And over the years, we’ve all brought dates, friends, and sometimes even our mothers. Our friend Michelle always hosts us as she has the nicest and most spacious apartment. I always make mashed potatoes with sour cream. That’s my preference.
This year, Michelle’s girlfriend moved in with her. That’s fine, but a few weeks ago a friend donation invitation was sent out…and they announced it would be 100% kosher since Michelle’s girlfriend is strictly kosher. Turkey is a given, so dairy is not necessary. I got lost. Why should the rest of us keep kosher for one person who was not even an original member of the congregation? — Do you keep kosher? Over the years, some of our friends have become vegetarians or vegans, but they just don’t eat things that don’t fit into their diet. They don’t impose their opinions on us. To be honest, I don’t even want to go to Friendsgiving at this point. How do I tell Michelle and her girlfriend that they’re ruining the holiday season?
A small request:
Alma content is free Because we believe everyone deserves to be part of a fundamentally inclusive Jewish community. Reader donations can help us do that. Why not do all we can to keep Hey Alma open to all? (It’s a mitzvah.)
— Mashed Potato Maybin
Dear Mayvin
oh yeah. Baby, I’m going to be on your level here too — you Who ruins the holiday season with this awful attitude. I’m really sorry to see you so angry (…about mashed potatoes?), but I am in no way trying to justify the feelings you shared in this letter. Just to warn you up front, if you’re looking for someone who will wholeheartedly agree, I’m not your girlfriend!
now. If you want a little reality check (and hopefully take back over 6 years of beautiful friendships and friend-giving experiences), keep reading.
Let’s check what’s happening. Your friend Michelle has generously hosted large gatherings for those closest to you for over 50 years, but now she’s dating someone she likes enough to live with her. Masu. She not only brings the girlfriend into your friend group, but also envelops her in her entire world. Being kosher is obviously important to your girlfriend, so your friend makes sure to make it a priority. Michelle also seems to be keeping a kosher house now, but even if she isn’t, it’s clear that she wants her girlfriend to feel at home in her own home. house. This is all great news and, frankly, has nothing to do with you. I think we can all agree that keeping kosher is very important to many Jews, and it’s important to respect the way different Jews practice Judaism. good thing.
It’s great that your vegetarian or vegan friends are happy to just tackle a dish they haven’t been able to eat before, but they probably would have really appreciated it if the entire meal was edible to them. As someone who has experienced various dietary restrictions in my 35 years on earth, and who lives in Portland, Oregon (home to 1 million gay people and 1 million dietary restrictions to match), I know this. I can say it. Although it doesn’t specifically cater to your needs, it’s much more enjoyable to eat a meal where you (and everyone!) can participate in every dish. The spirit of the holidays, especially Friendsgiving, is a spirit of community and togetherness. Why would you want to stick to a meal excluding one of the people you’re trying to celebrate with?
I think different people have different opinions on the question of whether or not it’s a huge burden to change from a traditional meal to a kosher feast. Personally, I don’t think maintaining a dairy-free diet is that big of a ask (I use vegan butter in my mashed potatoes, no more!), but for many of us, food and rituals are We also understand that it is very important. Changing things and not respecting tradition can feel terrible. That being said, regardless of your personal opinion on whether or not menu switching is the end of the world, it’s important to note that your prospects are less forgiving, less friendly, and less appreciative. I think everyone can agree.
It is very reasonable for Michelle and her kosher girlfriends to expect that the meals they cook and eat at home follow the religious boundaries of that home. If you really want to include milk and meat in your meals, you can also offer to host a gathering at your home next year, but be prepared to explain why (in a polite way!) . Also, be prepared if that happens to Michelle and her girlfriend’s house. Even if it’s bigger than you and better suited for the occasion, everyone may be confused by the suggestion and insist on keeping the place in a kosher home.
I think my real question is, “Why would I allow something as small as asking for kosher food to potentially damage a friendship of over 6 years?” No one is forcing you to do anything. Other than the request to be a polite guest and respect your and her loved one’s religious restrictions at home. You seem to have many close and loving friends with whom you choose to spend time. There are ways to enjoy a big feast together every year. You’ll be kicking off the holiday season with friendship, love, and maybe some dairy-free mashed potatoes. The world is very dark these days. Anyway, there is a lot of joy in your life.
I beg you. Don’t tell your loved ones that their way of practicing Judaism is ruining the holiday season. Instead, say thank you.
Are you Jewish or have a Jewish-adjacent dilemma and need our advice? Submit a question anonymously We will do our best to answer it!
