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Dear care and feeding,
I have a daughter in high school. “Holly.” We don’t have the largest school district. The food they serve is filled with all sorts of processed crap that will kill you. I have confirmed that she has no accounts in the school cafeteria and I give her a really healthy lunch and snacks, mostly fruit and raw vegetables.
She’s seen this guy in some “Johns” in her class. I met him twice. He looks like a respectable young man, if he squeals a little around me and ti-sick, he gets very good grades. Usually I think he and Holly are good for each other. But over the past few days I have noticed something in her school outfit that has hindered me.
There were suspicious crumbs. I asked her about it and I found out what he was doing: I share food with her at school, including what he got from that awful cafeteria. She knows it’s against the rules and otherwise it’s bad for her, but says, “When he shares it with me, it’s not.”
It’s totally nonsense. Bad food is bad food, and I think the only difference is that if he’s addicted to himself with it, she only eats half of that scam. I can’t go to school exactly and I can’t make sure she eats a healthy diet. And I’m not so stupid as to think it would help to tell her to stay away from her boyfriend. How can I make sure my daughter doesn’t harm this kind of thing?
– I swear to be safe
Dear she wants to be safe,
Ah, you are for a rude awakening as your daughter has grown up and has begun making her own decisions. You need to agree to the fact that you can’t control your child forever. And, as Leia told Tarkin in Star Wars episode IV, “The more you tighten the grip, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.” A slight deviation from the existing healthy diet is not going to kill her. If you come down too hard, you may cause a rebellion.
It won’t surprise you any more, but there are plenty of foods that fall into the “not good for you” category that doesn’t leave any crumbs! Gummy worm? There are no breadcrumbs! Soda pop? There are no breadcrumbs! Vaping? There are no breadcrumbs!
You’re not always around to check for crumbs or gummy and worm residues. Instead, you have to do (breathless) trust Your kids make good choices and to speak to you about the choices they are making. Your daughter sounds like she trusts you enough. Continue the conversation. listen why She wants to eat food that doesn’t eat when she’s with John. Put yourself in her shoes! If your boyfriend offers you half a Twix and your response is either (a) that food kills you” or (b) “My mother says I can’t,” neither of those responses will lead to a make-out session. (And some bites on Twix may sound really good, especially if she’s never allowed to have a candy bar at home.)
It also doesn’t help to frame these foods as “bad”, “toxic”, or “murderers.” Certainly, the cafeteria diet in American public schools is deplorable. However, the effects of that diet take years to manifest. Also, for many students, it is the only food they are trying to eat that day. Looking down on that food as “bad food” can send a message that all children think they are choosing not to eat healthy foods out of ignorance or recklessness. Picking all her classmates down is another great way to increase the growing gap between you two. Work on treating her equally before it’s too late.
– greg
