Dear Annie: My brother has a chronic mental illness. He had lived in the same city as my long-divorced parents for the past two years, where he received support from his parents and local mental health services. Two years ago he moved to another city. It's a city he has long been drawn to strongly, and it's far away from our parents, me, and the rest of our family.
My parents have continued to provide him with financial support, but neither of them can continue this for long at the rate they have. His father told his brother that he needed to connect with mental health/life skills services in his new city or he would gradually reduce his monthly allowance. His main goal is to find a professional who can help him manage the money that his older brother receives from his parents.
My brother doesn't seem to remember the mental health and life skills services he received in the past. It seems that it is not necessary now. He is incredibly resistant to any discussion on the subject.
Indeed, my father started reducing my brother's monthly salary. My brother is already living below the poverty level and if his father's emergency is not attended to, he will likely become homeless soon. His brother receives welfare and housing assistance, but he cannot survive on that alone. He believes that he cannot do the job. He needs a stipend from my parents for daily necessities.
He despises our suggestions for things like budgeting, using the local food bank, and hand-washing clothes (which are ridiculously expensive). He does not use the money sent by his parents wisely and constantly demands more. We have a service that can help him budget and save money, and we hope he uses it. We provided him with all the information we could find about his local services and offered to consult over the phone. He reacts belligerently.
Annie, my question is: One, do you think my father is doing the right thing by providing financial support to my brother as a condition of seeking services? Can you think of anything we haven't tried yet to support access to services? — Concerned Sister
Dear Concerned Sister: It's hard to see your loved one struggling just like your brother, but your father's approach has purpose. There is a difference between supporting a brother in a beneficial way and enabling his dependence. Your brother needs someone in his corner, and he has it. You also need a willingness to help yourself, especially if you start living on your own.
The suggestions you all made to him are good ones. I think the best next step would be to see a doctor. He feels unable to work. Is it simply his mental health, or are there physical issues that need to be addressed? Take advantage of local resources and help yourself before homelessness becomes a reality rather than a possibility. I hope he continues to be the shoulder to lean on while insisting that steps be taken to improve the situation. After all, asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but the greatest sign of strength.
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