“How to Do It” is Slate magazine’s sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich. Anonymous!
Dear How To Do It,
My wife and I have been married for over 15 years. We have four children and family is our number one priority. Our sex life was good but became less and less frequent as the kids got older. That’s life with four kids. I have the stronger libido so 99 times out of 100 I’m the one who initiates. I’ve suggested scheduling sex but she says it’s too much pressure. I’ve encouraged her to find a time to be alone together (like meeting at home during lunch breaks while the kids are at school) but she doesn’t want to go back into the outside world after sex. Lastly, she doesn’t want to have sex when she knows the kids are awake. Locking the door to our room is not enough of a mental/physical barrier. So at this point it’s a matter of patience (staying awake longer than our teenage kids). Our busy schedules leave us both tired and we regularly fall asleep before our kids. Even when we do manage to stay awake, sex is quiet and sleepy. It accomplishes its purpose but leaves us unsatisfied.
I miss our sex life as it was before, because even though my wife doesn’t have as strong a libido as she used to, she has been willing to try new things in bed for years and it’s great when it happens. There are things we both enjoy that remain in our repertoire, but we’ve dropped the things she didn’t enjoy as much. I appreciate her willingness to try new things and respect the things she tried that she didn’t enjoy (it doesn’t really matter how much I enjoyed it, because it’s not as fun if only one of us is enjoying it). So that all makes sense now, doesn’t it?
I’ve accepted how our sex life is, even if it’s no longer as fulfilling or exciting for me. The solution I’ve come up with is to find more time for “self-care” in between sex acts. My question is, if I want to buy a sex toy to make that personal time more enjoyable, should I consult my wife first? I don’t want to make her feel guilty, but I also don’t want to be criticized if she disagrees.
—Self-Improvement Husband
Dear Self-help Husband,
Ah, only you can answer that question. You know your wife better than I do. Have you ever used toys or tools during sex with your wife? If so, what does she think about it? If your wife is reluctant, it’s worth considering how upset she would be if she found out you were using a sex toy alone. If your wife is open to it, it seems like it would be pretty easy to introduce a new sex toy as something for her to use when she doesn’t want to have sex.
Unfortunately, by bringing up the topic, you run the risk of guilt-tripping and being blamed by your wife, but nothing is gained by doing nothing.
Another idea for revitalizing your sex life, and I know you didn’t ask, is to see if you could arrange for someone to take care of the kids for a day or two so you and your wife can have some alone time. Perhaps you could do this on a regular basis.
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Dear How To Do It,
I am a 45-year-old woman and late-life lesbian. I just ended a 20-year relationship with a man and have my first lover, whom I love dearly. Sex with her is amazing. The process of discovery has been more exciting and empowering than I could have ever imagined. I am amazed every day by the sexual creativity possible between two women, and the liberation from heterosexual norms and roles has been a revelation. We are both enthusiastic switches.
My questions are Tribbing/Scissoring. I’m obsessed with tribbing porn and the general concept of having sex this way. The problem is with how it works. We don’t get a good physical connection. There’s an inch or two of gap that’s really hard to fill. I really want to be able to press it together, but I want something more discreet. I don’t know if I’m not flexible enough, or we’re not getting in the right position, or if I’m overweight and my vulva has gotten so big that my clitoris doesn’t stick out enough. I’m fully a cis woman, but because of the difficulty in connecting our vulvas, I’m seriously considering taking a T just for bottom growth to give me more space to fuck her. Any suggestions?
—Aspiring Scissor Sister
Dear Aspiring Scissor Sisters,
The important thing to remember about a porn scene is that it is a performance. The sex may be real; it almost always involves real contact and often real orgasms; but the methods and practices of performing those acts are chosen primarily based on what looks good on camera. Scissoring, in particular, requires a lot of effort, though it offers little physical pleasure.
But there are plenty of more rewarding ways to have a threesome. While you might be picturing the kind of groin-to-groin sex you see in porn, with your heads facing in opposite directions, you might find it more enjoyable to entwine your legs together in missionary position, or sit upright. Or maybe you could even forgo the idea of genital contact altogether and rub your genitals against each other’s thighs instead.
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Dear How To Do It,
Two years ago I ended a 10+ year marriage that had many problems. One of them was that even when we were going best, sex was unfulfilling, sometimes uncomfortable, and my partner was unwilling to discuss or change anything. Over time, sex became something that made me feel guilty and that I felt forced to have sex if we only had it occasionally. During these years, there was no sex at all, which was always a source of resentment, and I was content with a life without affectionate touch, until I got divorced. During the separation and divorce, I met a man and fell in love. We connected intellectually, spiritually, and sexually. I had told myself that passion and desire were for young people and that that part of my life was over, but with this partner, I was having incredibly open, honest, fun, and exciting sex. We were completely comfortable with each other, asking for what we needed, exploring each other’s proclivities, and caring for each other. He said he loved me and promised to spend his life with me, but in a not entirely unexpected cliche, when his divorce was finalized he hesitated to actually date, and now he’s gone.
After the past two years of heartbreak, I know I’m not at all ready to date or pursue a serious relationship. I’m in therapy to work on my grief and coping skills so that I’ll be ready to embrace true love when it finds me one day. I’m working on building connections with supportive family and friends. But living without sex and physical contact is hard, and I’m upset that I’ve rediscovered parts of myself that I loved and now have to stop it again. I’ve thought about looking for a casual sex partner, but I don’t know where to start or how to even keep myself safe. I signed up for a few dating apps, but I was totally overwhelmed and deleted them after a few days. Plus, it seems dishonest to put myself on a dating site when I don’t really want to date. I’m a straight woman in my mid-40s looking for a casual sex partner who is compatible and will accept sex for its own sake and mutual pleasure. I want to be completely transparent about what I do and don’t want, what safe sex is for me, and that I don’t want the emotional connection or rituals of a dating relationship. Is there such a thing? If there is, is it healthy for me to pursue it? Where do I start?
—Starting from scratch
Start from Scratch
There are dating sites and apps that attract people looking for the kind of casual sex you’re looking for, or who are simply open to it (Feeld is one example that comes to mind), and you might find ways to interact with people you haven’t met yet, such as community meetups.
Safer dating guidelines include telling a trusted friend where you’ll be, who you’ll be with, and when to expect contact. It also includes following your intuition and instincts. If you sense a strange vibe, don’t meet up or walk away. If you’re going to a trusted friend’s house or hotel, let them know you’ve changed locations and know where your belongings are in case you need to grab your wallet or shoes and leave quickly.
Achieving the transparency you desire will require some introspection on these subjects on your own, and from there, it may take some time (or even the first date) to find someone who is as open about discussing sex and dating desires as you are, but they do exist.
Dear How To Do It,
I am in love with my boyfriend and have been dating for 10 months. He is strictly monogamous and I thought so too, but recently I have been fantasizing that maybe we could be in the open.
I’ve never done it before, but it seems like non-monogamy is more common and less taboo for gay men. I’m conflicted because I’ve heard of couples where it didn’t work out and they broke up. That’s the last thing I want, but I feel a similar fear (FOMO) when I imagine limiting my sexual experiences to one person for the rest of my life. When I ask, I always feel biased. People who are monogamous criticize those who aren’t, and vice versa. How do I know if this is what I want?
—Involuntary Monogamy
For those in involuntary monogamy
You can’t actually know for sure. You can’t know if it’s a mistake to be open or to keep it closed. Some couples break up for non-monogamy, some for monogamy, some for issues that have nothing to do with the structure of the relationship at all. The FOMO you describe will be with you no matter what path you choose unless you work out for yourself where it’s coming from.
But your boyfriend is someone you would describe as “strictly monogamous,” so I would caution you not to get too excited about the prospect of putting this particular relationship in the open.
-Jessica
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