It's hard to say no, but there are also disadvantages do not have say no.
Said it can put us in unpleasant situations or leave us bailed or haunted later on Vanessa BonesHe is a professor and chair of the organizational behavior department at Cornell University, but was not involved in the study. “That could have negative consequences for both parties.”
There is also an opportunity cost. Think about “what you're implicitly saying no to by saying yes to this,” Bones said. That includes spending quality time with yourself, soaking in the joy you probably missed out on. “Burnout is definitely real,” Zibi says. “It's important to take time for yourself and relax.”
overestimate negative outcomes
Gibi and his colleagues Colleen KirkAn associate professor of marketing at the New York Institute of Technology conducted five experiments with more than 2,000 online participants. In the first experiment, one of his groups of participants imagined how their friend would feel if they declined his friend's invitation to a museum. The second group imagined a friend turning down an invitation to go on an outing to an art museum.
People who refuse to go out consistently experience more immediate negative consequences (e.g., friends feeling angry, disappointed, or ignored) and long-term harm (e.g., fewer future invitations, fewer future invitations, etc.) than those who are rejected. (e.g., more rejections from friends) were overestimated.
This pattern also applies to actual invitations between romantic couples. In another experiment, one partner was asked to invite the other to a social event. The recipient was instructed to decline the invitation. As in the first experiment, those who declined the invitation overestimated how hurt their partner would be.
“We really think people are going to be offended, upset and angry if we say no,” Bones said. “But it tends to be exaggerated in our minds.”
This research suggests that people find it difficult to accurately understand the perspective of someone whose invitation has been rejected, and even neutral third-party observers may overstate the negative impact of a rejection. I am evaluating it.
In the fifth and final experiment, participants played both the inviter and the invitee to a dinner party in random order. The results showed that the experience of rejection of a social invitation helps recalibrate the effectiveness of saying no. Participants who first invited someone to a social gathering and were subsequently rejected were able to more accurately predict how the invitee actually felt when the invitation was declined.
So next time you're too tired to go out but are worried about hurting someone's feelings, imagine your reaction if the situation were the other way around.If your friend turns down a social invitation because she's tired or doesn't have the money, would you be angry, or would you be understanding and make plans another time? Say no. Sometimes I think about how to say no. you Knowing when someone declines your invitation will make your predictions more accurate, Zivi says.
we matter to other people
In the experiment, the social events were relatively common, such as dinner parties, museum visits, and hiking trips. The researchers did not test for socially significant or rare social events, such as weddings or baby showers, where a “no” could carry more weight. (Givi suspects that while the social costs will be higher, people will still overestimate them.)
Another limitation was that the excuse for saying no was the same each time. That is, the person wanted to stay at home and relax. However, other studies have shown that the reasons for declining social invitations matter. For example, previous research has found that people tend to be more understanding when the reason for declining is a lack of money rather than a lack of time. This is probably because economic constraints are difficult to change. Other research shows that being rejected because of someone else (nobody) makes you feel bad.
But new research applies to broader research This shows that there is a mismatch between how we see our impact on others and how they perceive it. Not only do we tend to overestimate the results When we are socially negative, we underestimate how much good we can make someone else feel when we thank them, praise them, or reach out to them. . “We don't believe in ourselves enough,” Zivi said.
Conversely, Bones said the study adds to a growing body of research “suggesting that people are not as vulnerable as we think.” “They're not as critical as we think.”
How to decline a social invitation
Don't just say no to social events. Research consistently shows the benefits of socializing with friends. However, if you don't like a particular invitation, here are some best practices for declining it.
Don't say “maybe”. Even if you don't plan on going, don't leave them alone. For invitees, the word “maybe” can be hurtful, Zibi said, because they aren't sure of your answer and it could affect their plans.
Deal with the challenges of saying no. We have a hard time saying no because we're afraid of looking bad (not fun, kind, or helpful), of offending the other person, or of hurting the relationship, Bones says. Use this template to address each of these hurdles in your reasoning. It's not about you. It’s not about us,” Bones said. For example, “I want to go out and I'm glad you invited me, but I'm tired and would like to stay home.”
Try saying, “No, but…” If you decline the suggested activity, please suggest another activity in the future. “That way you can continue to engage with that person,” Zivi said.
Have questions about human behavior or neuroscience? Email [email protected] I may answer that in a future column.
