problem? When I told her I was going to apply for the Fall 2024 start, her husband protested and she said she needed to discuss it with her husband first. Carolyn, I have been discussing it with him for months. I have detailed every aspect of the program, the application process, time, financial demands, family, work and how you balance your degree. He didn’t care when I told him about the details (moving out of the room, multitasking, etc.), but he said he would “support” me if I decided to move forward.
I’m dumbfounded why he’s opposing now and I feel rather controlling. I understand his concerns about the overall impact on our family, but he has a year and a half to plan how to make this happen, and he refuses even the opportunity to apply to me. seems premature (may not be acceptable).
In fact, this is a dream I have set aside for my family and I cannot put it off any longer. I made many sacrifices for him (during his marriage he got his master’s degree, while I was home with his kids, he lived across the country, etc.) , at great cost). I’m stifled, but I’m willing to move on, with or without his “blessings.” As an aside, we are a marriage agency and I offer individual counseling. Am I crazy?
my turn: You say, “I’m dumbfounded why he disagrees.” now’ emphasizes me. But it seems to me that for 20 years he has been silent, yet he continues to disagree.
He chose a career that required you to move frequently, and when he stayed there, he prioritized his career over your dreams. He prioritized his education over yours when he bore you a child while living on the other side of the country to pursue his master’s degree.
I mean, he’s been against it all along, and I still don’t know why. Marriage counseling may be the solution. But in the end it’s up to him to figure it out.
More than that, you made the choice to have children before completing your education, move in with your husband, and provide for your family while he devotes time to further education. You have also repeatedly chosen to subordinate your dreams to his dreams. This is a problem you need to understand and fix.
Get an education. And if he’s not so keen on you achieving your 20-year dream, it’s telling you something important.
my turn: Your husband apparently assumes that if you refuse to get involved, the problem will just go away. Or he didn’t really hear this far because that’s about you. So it didn’t interest him until it had some tangible impact on his life.
In any case, you’re going to a marriage agency, so take the opportunity to tell him that the window to discuss whether or not to proceed with this plan is closed, and the issue on the table now is that he’s doing this. I’m going to explain how I plan to carry out the plan. his earlier claims of being cooperative. Or take your conclusion that you don’t need his consent here as a sign that it’s time to start exploring what life would be like without him, with a counselor or your own therapist. Please take it.
my turn: Please show this letter to my husband. Then set a strict deadline for him to voice his concerns to you before proceeding with the application. Put it literally in your family calendar. If he has not raised a concern by that date, or if he has raised a concern and you have been able to resolve it, proceed with the application process with confidence.
This still seems like an ideal topic to cover in a couples or solo therapy session (if you haven’t already). Essentially, this is an extension of so many core issues in your marriage. That means you feel unheard, you invest in his dreams and you don’t get the same respect from him.
Untangling these issues in therapy can be a long process, but application deadlines are time sensitive. Set firm deadlines for internal consideration of this particular issue, and stick to them, as we continue to work toward understanding the broader issues in treatment.
my turn: Ask him what he wants to talk to you about. Discuss the topic, even if it just means saying what you have already said. Then ask him, “What else do you have?” Continue until he comes up with something new. There’s something he hasn’t brought up yet, and I have a feeling it’s going to be an uncomfortable subject. Maybe he doesn’t want you to have a higher degree than he does. Or maybe he doesn’t want to take on more child or household responsibilities, or similarly selfish things.
Once you know the ugly truth, you can move forward.because you should do it Move forward. You deserve this opportunity.
Each week, we invite readers to answer questions submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s article here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays and are due Monday. Responses are anonymous unless an individual is identified and are edited for length and clarity.
