The sun creeps into your room and hits your sleepy eyes, kicking off your daily routine. Tossing and turning for 10 minutes and trying to get another half-sleep inevitably leads straight to a “God wake me up” Instagram and TikTok sesh. After one ad and an AI-generated viral song, you’re on your way to: they. Apparently they’re in the gym, wearing the latest gear from head to toe, posting shady sweat-free selfies with the following captions. Vibe alone. act with intent. Joy always comes from what is outside of you, but joy comes from within. ’ That’s your old friend, Jim the philosopher.
The selfie was posted at 7:30am, but their day started the way before that. The gym philosopher had something to do before going to the gym. It’s about expressing blessings in a gratitude journal and repeating daily mantras in front of the mirror, but before that, he jams his Instagram Live meditations to a global audience. Before the gym, I watched the pre-grind sunrise while doing a sustainable vegan pre-workout at Battersea Park.
We often see philosophers walking around the floor of the third space as if it were the first space. They aren’t personal trainers per se, but they see themselves growing in that role. That’s why they made it manifest as of a month ago. They clearly haven’t taken the necessary courses and are just voicing.
The philosopher joins the high-budget cast of The Gym. We have the famous, roided-up Chad. He actively walks up and down the floor between sets and spit in fountains. A well-meaning old man with smart clothes, smooth hair, a towel around his neck, and undeniable (Paul) Hollywood energy. And then there are the usual extras: machine hoggers, newbies, wholesome gym buddies, and of course, gym influencers. They look a bit like ‘philosophers’, but they actually have a bone-crushing circuit. Our slightly confused philosophers unintentionally hop from machine to machine, focusing primarily on the new iPhone 14 (the camera quality is really worth it, they say).
Because it’s Instagram where The Philosopher really finds a niche. You’ll find Ehalt Tolle’s words combined with a Sahara-level thirst trap. Entitled ‘Inspiration’, the only highlight is the early morning coffee. A monthly yoga timelapse dump with incense in the foreground. Plenty of green juice and vegetables. A truly infinite gym fit. Every caption is full of joyless holiness. And if you stop hating this person temporarily, it’s because “content is satisfying and good for securing your bag”, but this person has 287 followers Remember that there are only people. Their entire content exists solely to say, “I am better than you.”
Funny enough, Jim’s philosophers were once like you and me. They even fell asleep with their clothes on while waiting for their McDonald’s orders. They also smoked e-cigarettes to the point where they felt sick. They too spent hours on TikTok when they really needed an early night. However, they recently underwent a severe rebrand and now enjoy a more divine nirvana than you. This person genuinely enjoys making you feel that simply enjoying life isn’t enough. It’s all because they think abandoning old friends and going to the gym makes them spiritually holy.
In fact, Jim’s philosophers are like all other dull people who found a hobby, enjoyed it, and then decided to ditch any personality henceforth. It’s like your friend who used to drive to the driving range and now posts Stories on the golf course at 7am every weekend with the caption, “Early rise pays off.”
But more specifically, The Gym Philosopher’s problem is that it basically misrepresents what a gym is and discourages large numbers of people from joining. They look at The Gym Philosopher’s endless barrage of gym-adjacent content and think: A) “Look, Jim is for boring people.” Or B) “This is what Jim does to people. It makes people fucking crippled.” I don’t go because I’m thinking about it.
Anzu, a 24-year-old personal trainer from London, believes people who post all about their gym life on social media are usually out of anxiety. “It’s important to think about why you want to go to the gym and keep that in mind when you start going to the gym,” he says. “From there, everything will flow naturally and you’ll feel better.”
Jim’s philosopher never ceases to exist. Wherever there are chakras to tune and where you can perform at your best, chakras are there. But here’s my cautionary tip: ignore them. Hit the gym to get your endorphins pumping and enjoy your weekend. But for all of us, don’t start posting on social media.
