I’m thinking of giving up on my relationship with my granddaughter. Her attitude is beyond.

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Dear care and food,

My 12 year old granddaughter hates me and has hated me for years. She won’t even let me hug her. I take my girlfriend and her friends to fun places every weekend. But when I call her she doesn’t answer. I don’t know why she hates me. I have not received any support from her parents and they have no problem with her continuing to say horrible things to me. Should I give up?

–My granddaughter hates me.

Dear hater

If you don’t want to spend time with your granddaughter, you can stop. You’re an adult! However, cutting people out of your life is not easy. The good news is that 12-year-olds don’t stay 12-years-old forever. If you walk away (or have minimal interaction with her over the holidays), you’ll probably regret it. Instead, try to change your relationship with her into something positive, or at least one that doesn’t feel terrible.

Start by determining if this is really something you’re doing or if it’s just her general behavior. Talk to her parents (or girlfriend!) to see if she really “hates” you. She may be acting against everyone in her life. She might just be an asshole! What you think will take you to a fun place, she may think will take you to an annoying place. She may feel awkward or embarrassed about what you think is a hug. No one knows what’s going on in a teenager’s mind. In this case, you may never know the answer, but you may learn a little by asking the question. Also, does your grandchild understand your feelings? If she says something terrible to you, tell her how it makes you feel. She’ll probably keep saying the same thing, but you’ll feel better if you speak your mind.

You may find a middle ground between “giving up” and “keep going.” So I’ll give it to her as a present. I look forward to seeing my grandchildren every weekend, especially the ones I’m not very close with. Could you please take a step back from fooling around with her and her friends, or at least remind yourself in your head that you’re helping her? parents Outside instead of her? Are there any activities she does? would do want to do it with you?

Also, please don’t call. Sentence. She may or may not write back, but I think sending a text increases your chances of getting a positive response.

Dear care and food,

We are struggling with our 9 year old son’s sleep. He has always been a sensitive child and a light sleeper. He takes an hour to relax after his sister goes to bed (they share a room), then brushes his teeth before going to bed. Usually I sit with him for 20 minutes and then I leave and he reads some more and then goes to bed.

However, while we were traveling in the summer, he started coming out of his room to say hi at times when he was supposed to be sleeping (his dad and I always chat in the living room). ). It wasn’t a big deal. ;We just put him back in bed and he fell asleep right away. But things got even worse when I got home. He wasn’t sleeping well and came down in a panic wanting someone to sit with him. If I agreed to sit with him, he would be so expecting me to leave that he would fight sleep or wake up 10 minutes after falling asleep and realize I wasn’t there. If I didn’t have it, I would panic. Sometimes he would fall asleep fine but would wake up in the middle of the night with his heart pounding. We always hugged him and sent him back to bed. He doesn’t have nightmares, but he was nervous about starting school and wanted me to pay more attention to him, but he said it was mainly due to stress related to sleep.

After a few weeks of this, my husband started sleeping on the mattress in his room. The problem is now resolved. He always falls asleep with my husband and usually sleeps through the night. He still wakes up sometimes (once or twice a week) and can’t go back to sleep, but he walks to his dad, gets a hug, and goes back to bed. We did this for a month and then I told him to go to bed on his own and he couldn’t do it. So now my husband sleeps on the floor and goes to bed at 9pm every night. My son is calm and rational when we talk to him. He doesn’t seem to be traumatized by anything and says he’s fine sleeping by himself, but when we try he just stays awake worrying. Even letting him read for hours and banning him from reading in bed had no effect. I try to teach him some relaxation techniques, but otherwise I get stuck. He gets really freaked out and has a high heart rate and can’t sleep on his own. But we can’t sleep in his room forever.

–I’m having trouble sleeping.

Dear struggling people

That’s exactly right. This situation cannot continue forever. Your son’s behavior is a phase and will end someday. You can grin and bear it while you wait for the phase to end, or you can try speeding things up.

You can continue to find out if your son is afraid of something bigger that is causing this anxiety (it seems like it’s not just about getting attention). Is he so scared that you can calm him down? If you can understand the root cause of why he’s afraid to go to bed, you should be able to resolve it with a few conversations. You say that when you talk to him, he seems calm, rational, and untraumatized. Remind him that it’s perfectly natural to be afraid of the dark or worried about bedtime, and he’s not the first child to stay awake with anxiety. .

The right thing to do for your son who wakes up in the middle of the night is to practice breathing exercises. Keep experimenting with different self-soothing techniques. It may be helpful to have a night light on. A special stuffed animal that he can hug. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, ask him how he tried to solve his problem in the morning. in front I’m here to ask for your help. If he tells you what he’s tried, he’ll emphasize that it’s a calming option before looking for you.

Until then, your husband should stop sleeping in his room. It’s unpleasant! I experienced a similar problem and would recommend placing your camping mattress on the floor. your room. If your son wants to be with someone, he can sleep on the floor.

But don’t give up trying to get him to sleep alone in his room. Read together for just 10 to 20 minutes once or twice a week, then turn off the lights. If he ends up back on the mattress in your room, so be it. It will eventually stick, but you have to keep trying to know when that stage is over.

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Dear care and food,

I (19 years old, note) need help dealing with my relationship with my mother. She forced me into the pseudo-therapist/best friend/sister role until I was 11 years old (badmouthing me in the process and hurting my relationships with other family members, including my grandmother and aunt). She treated me with sustained hysterical anger when I began to expose my own mental health issues and stopped being close friends. I begged her to go to therapy but she refused.

I have now moved away from my parents’ house. When I talk to my mom, she’s friendly and we make small talk, but we’re not that close. I feel unwell at their house and it is very burdensome for me to visit and meet her. I have nightmares about her and feel like she is criticizing me in my head 24/7. I’m on the waiting list for treatment and don’t know what to do in the meantime. I’m angry but I know I have to accept that she won’t change. I’m just sorry that something like this happened to us.

—I’m more than she thinks

To you who are more important than she thinks

It’s good to get out of the house and away from the obviously toxic relationship with your mother. This is your chance to work on yourself and your relationships with people other than her. Why not reach out to your aunt or grandmother and try to rebuild the relationship? Create a friend group. Focus on the positive relationships you have and nurture them. If you don’t have a close group of friends, start building one by joining a support group for your hobby or a group with common interests.

If you find spending time with your mother bothersome and uncomfortable, you don’t have to. You don’t have to spend time alone with her if you want to keep trying. Meet in a neutral area rather than at her house and bring a friend. They don’t have to say or do anything. It acts as a shield against gaslighting and extreme behavior. Later, your friend can back up the memories of that encounter.

While you wait for therapy, there are many things you can do to deal with your anger towards your mother and sadness about this relationship. My preferred therapy is exercising outdoors, but if that’s not your thing, consider meditation, yoga, deep breathing, or artistic endeavors. Everyone finds peace differently, so keep trying different strategies until something works. Writing about your feelings and situations can also be therapeutic. Start keeping a diary. This may be helpful when starting talk therapy, as it allows you to vent in a safe place.

Again, you have already made great progress. You realize that it is the mother who changes her behavior, not you. There’s nothing wrong with just making small talk with her. That may be your current relationship, or your relationship for a while. Keep up the great work and good luck!

—Greg

More advice from Slate

My sister Kari gave birth to her first child in September. My husband Joe and I are adoptive parents, and we decided to adopt a newborn without any notice in August. Kari and her husband did not speak to me and my husband for months, claiming that they had adopted our child to purposely steal our baby’s attention. (There were only three hours between when we found out about our baby and the moment we brought him home.) Our baby is now a few months old. She still won’t hold my baby or say the baby’s name. Cali and I were very close, but I didn’t know what to do.