Adam Banks was an airline pilot who turned to alcohol to deal with the trauma of flying on September 11, 2001. His drinking escalated with each passing year, and by his early 30s he knew it was time to stop, but it took him a while to realize that this meant breaking up with his partner.
“He was completely uncooperative and kept pushing me back into using drugs and alcohol, so it wasn’t until I found the strength to get myself out of that relationship that I actually got sober,” Banks told The Huffington Post.
Banks, now 49, has successfully stayed sober for 16 years. Over the last few years, he has adopted his two children, now 12 and his 17, and has made a career as a professional interventionist, helping struggling families into rehab facilities.
He also has a healthy romantic relationship. His current partner, Tony, is not sober. However, Tony’s alcohol use differs from Banks’ own previous use, as well as that of his ex-partner.
“[Tony] I sometimes have a glass of wine,” said Banks, who showed no signs of an alcohol problem.
He said his sobriety made the relationship with Tony possible.[He] Came to me for my drinking. If I was a heavy drinker, he would never have dated me. ”
There is no “right” way to be sober and have relationships. Some people stay with the person they were with before they gave up drinking, but the relationship evolves to adapt to their new way of life. Some people meet new partners after being sober, many of whom wouldn’t have become a part of their lives if they were still drinking.
Some sobers find partners in other sobers, but that’s not the rule. There are many ex-drinkers in a sober-discordant relationship, one of whom no longer drinks, but their partner does.
While how each couple deals with their drinking partner’s alcohol use depends on their relationship, there are several key characteristics of a successful partnership.
Drinking partners have healthy relationships with alcohol, and alcohol’s role in their lives is not important.
Sober partners talk, sometimes with disappointment, of their easy-going, put up with alcohol attitudes, and recognize that if alcohol is more attractive to their partner, it becomes harder to remain sober and to maintain the partnership.
“Sometimes he drank too much and irritated me,” Banks said of Tony. “But it happens so infrequently that it tends to be more hilarious than annoying to me.”
Stewart Lee, 41, has been sober for 10 years and is writing a book Memoirs Speaking on his recovery journey with partner Rosie Lee, 32, who has been dating for about a year, she opened up about her relationship with alcohol. I will have a glass of wine. Open the bottle, drink a glass, and discard the rest the next day as you don’t need it. Don’t drink to get drunk. ”
“I don’t like that feeling when you’re out of control, but I do like drinking,” she told The HuffPost.
Lee jokingly called the idea “weird,” but the lack of alcohol in her life and her willingness to take it or not is part of what makes their relationship work.
Ms. Lee said that dating Ms. Lee has helped her drink less, which she sees as an overall positive. “I think if he was drinking, potentially we would drink more. “Instead, I wake up around 5:30 in the morning and go to the gym,” she said.
Vanessa Royle, 31, quit drinking in May 2020 during the pandemic. She initially gave up alcohol, along with her caffeine and sugar, but after she reintroduced the latter two, she came to the conclusion that Ms. Royle should stay off alcohol forever.
“When I thought about it carefully, I realized something, [alcohol] Caused a lot of problems in my life. It was something I couldn’t brag about. And I really thought this coronavirus moment was the time to quietly quit,” Royle told The HuffPost.
Royle, who has been alcohol-free for the past few years, Soft drink business and married her partner.
“I think a lot of my success in business is because I’m sober. I think that’s why my marriage has worked. I think that’s why I have great friends now. So I’m really proud of that,” she said.
Royle stayed with her husband before quitting drinking, but now realizes how her cravings for drinking encouraged him to use it. “He drank a lot when we started dating, or I thought he drank a lot. Because I drank more, he definitely drank more,” Royle said.
“I quit drinking and quickly realized I was a problem drinker in a relationship,” she said. Her partner reduced her drinking significantly when she abstained, and easily adjusted her own drinking to her Royle’s.
“He can go out and have a drink or two and it just makes his night even richer, but I was definitely someone who saw alcohol as the main event,” she said.
There is open and honest communication about feelings about alcohol.
Although the sobriety partner does not want to control their drinking or force them into an alcohol-free lifestyle, there is an expectation in these relationships that the sobriety partner will be understanding and supportive if the sobriety partner feels uncomfortable (for example, if they want to skip certain events or leave the party early).
Royle said her husband doesn’t have to ask her permission before ordering a drink every time they go out together, but there’s a common understanding that they shouldn’t drink too much.
“In some situations, he might say, ‘Hey, are you okay? that’s okay. ”
When hanging out with friends and colleagues, Royle said, He’ll say, “Hey, I’m going out.” this is where i go I might get a little tipsy and call you later, but it’s okay if you don’t pick up. “
“He is very respectful and considerate of my position,” she continued. “He respects my life choices, so I respect his choices.”
Mary Stevens, a 57-year-old Californian who has been sober for 12 years, remained in the same marriage before and after sobriety. Her alcohol consumption has begun to cause strain in her marriage, and her husband Dave has been “very grateful and very supportive” of her sobriety, she told The Huffington Post.
“We didn’t drink at home” when she was just starting to get drunk [and] When we were going out, he asked me, ‘Are you okay?
These days, she’s easier to pass by when others are drinking. “We were at a party recently and this guy came out with a tray of shots and was like, ‘Everyone take shots!’
“Dave stayed and I went home. It was a complete reversal of roles for us, but I was happy. I was happy he was having fun and I was happy he was gone.”
A sober partner does not rely on the other to remain sober. They have other sources of support.
Sobriety and their partners understand that sobriety is not a joint effort. Sober-free people are doing the work, but there are others who are best positioned to help them in this ongoing effort.
“I don’t rely solely on him,” Stevens says. “I will not attend [AA] Even though we didn’t see each other much anymore, I developed a really close friendship with these three people, making them understand me in a way that he couldn’t and in a way only other alcoholics could understand me. ”
Likewise, Banks said part of the support she needs from her partner is the space to maintain the relationships she’s built with others during her recovery.
“I have a whole community of 12-step friends. I run away to have conversations in private.
“It’s not something we can share,” Banks said. “So he gave me a lot of space.”
Tony’s role in Banks’ reconstruction effort is supportive, if bystander. “I am not dependent on him for treatment or recovery,” Banks explained.
Lee said that when he first met Lee, he was moved by his story of recovery, but worried that he would have to quit drinking completely or ask permission to drink to show his support for her. However, she has learned that his sobriety is not dependent on her behavior.
“We’ve been together for a year now, and it’s clear I drink pretty liberally around Stewart.” [Lee] Then he won’t fall into that pit again,” she said.
The drinking partner believes in the strength of their partner in sobriety and imagines a shared future that keeps them sober.
One way a partner can support someone in recovery is simply by trusting them.
“I was talking to people at police and crime commission seminars about the process of sobriety and drug abstinence. One of them said, ‘Do you think the biggest thing was that someone believed you could achieve something again?’ That’s what’s important to Rosie. [Leigh]. When I say, ‘I have this idea,’ she’s very supportive of it,” said Lee, who credited him with this belief in writing her memoir.
As another form of support, Lee explained her vision for the future, such as owning a home together.
“I’m always thinking about the future and I’m a pretty positive type of person. I think about things that I can work on for the future. I think that helps support you in a way,” Lee said in a joint interview with the couple.
“Having these other life goals helps us both work towards something,” Lee said.
Ms Stevens said her confidence in her sobriety made her more comfortable sharing the details of her experience with her husband. For example, she says that the sight of most alcohol no longer bothers her, but the smell of red wine, which she once loved, can still trigger a reaction.
“If you’re having a great day and you’re really positive, so be it. When you smell red wine and you’re having a bad day, it’s not like you want to drink it, but it makes you feel a little nostalgic,” Stevens said.
She no longer worries about sharing this kind of experience with her husband.
“You can always talk to him about it. I can still say, ‘Oh my God, that wine smells good.’ I can share it with him so he has no fear. ”
Stevens cites this kind of support as proof that she is “one of the lucky ones” in her marriage, but revealed that her husband feels lucky on his side.
“I remember him writing to me, ‘I was almost happy when you first got sober.’ But now I’m really happy for you,” she said.
