I’m into it … to a point.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

dear way,

I love to flirt, I love to tease, I love to bring out sexual tension. I also like foreplay. But the actual sex was always disappointing. I thought I might be gay, so I tried having sex with a man. I slept around for a bit because I thought maybe I was having sex with the wrong person. But it’s always the same no matter who I’m with. The sex itself is mediocre at best. I tried sex with Molly and others when I was in school, but it wasn’t that great. It’s so sad that after so much chemistry and build-up, the ending isn’t worth it.

I’m in my late 20s now, and even when I didn’t like sex, I really liked romance, so I’d like to date seriously. I tried asexual spaces thinking I would meet people who felt the same way, but no. People either don’t want sex at all or they have sex for connection, but there’s no such delicious tension. Any tips on where to look? Or how should I describe myself to exclude the wrong people on dating apps? I don’t care about gender and I don’t like being in a city. I live there, so it shouldn’t be this difficult. There are other people like you, right?

— Love the tension, not the climax

Dear, love the tension, not the climax.

others like this too certainly exists. How many of you are there is another question. I point this out not to isolate you, but to illustrate that you may still have some explaining to do when pursuing a romantic partner. There are several micro-labels on the asexual spectrum that you may identify with. One is orchisexual, designated used to explain A person who feels sexually attracted but does not desire a sexual relationship. The other is a similar narcissist, a label for people who: disconnection occurs Along what you described. The label’s entry on the Orientation Wiki says, “They may feel sexual attraction, but have no desire to participate in sexual activity with another person.” “In the abstract, sex feels good and you’re excited, but in reality you don’t want to have sex,” says the asexuality educator and writer. Cody Daigle-Orians I summarized narcissism in a recent email regarding your letter.

“The challenge with both of these labels (particularly Orchidsexual) is that while they are accurate descriptors, they are used infrequently, so while they are great for self-identification, they may not be very useful when it comes to discovery. Daigle Orians, author of “Community.” i am ace and Ace and Aro Relationship Guide: Making Friendship, Love, and Sex Work.

Daigle-Orians has great suggestions for your future pursuits. It’s a kink/fetish space. “I know some aces who have an aversion to sex but have found great community and experiences through the kinky/fetish space,” he wrote. “Those experiences don’t require sex, and there are great practices of consent and respect for autonomy (if practiced correctly). Perhaps they will find their mate there.” I’ve been able to be pretty open with friends in the kink/fetish community. ”That’s just one direction to go. It’s up to you and your exploration to find the right twist for you. There’s a good chance you’ll build strong connections in the fetish/kinky community. You may have better luck with dating apps, but this may also require some explanation. (Just like you said in your letter, let me be the first to say that you’re not looking for sex, but just enjoying the flirting, teasing, and sexual tension.) You You might meet someone who’s a good fit, and that’s when the explanation comes after the first connection. Cast as wide a net as possible. Not everyone will understand you, but those who do may become your guardians.

dear way,

When I’m having sex with my partner, I have a hard time finishing it. It’s easy to cum when you masturbate, but the more you want it, and the more important you are to the other person, the harder it seems to be. I’m a bisexual man and I’m usually with another man. I understand the excitement you get when you drop your partner off, so I want to share that. What supplements or help are there to prevent delayed ejaculation?

—Let’s get it done!

Dear Get It Done

You jump to supplements as a solution, but I want you to stop thinking in a stopgap way. First, let’s modify our behavior a little. Consider refraining from masturbation for a longer period than usual (several days or weeks) before having sex. If that doesn’t work, or you can’t resist yourself, continue masturbating, but try to stop before you cum. Effectively, try to prepare yourself and reserve your orgasm for sex with your partner.

Taking orgasms completely off the table may also help. Approach sex for the pure enjoyment of it, without worrying about whether or not you will cum. I know this guidance is contrary to your concerns, but you seem to be putting pressure on yourself to a harmful degree here. (The more you want/the more important you are to someone, the less likely they will come.) I wonder if it would be easier to come if you could reduce the pressure even a little. I know this is easier said than done and may require some mental gymnastics (after all, you’re doing this to have an orgasm, so even if it’s just a mental exercise) Even if it is not, it will serve as a guideline for your actions). This isn’t a big deal, but it can have a positive impact on load generation.

When it comes to supplements, I don’t recommend anything that isn’t FDA approved. There are many completely useless vitamin and herbal supplements that claim to improve performance or enhance sexual health. (In my scientific interest, I’ve tried a few, but I haven’t found anything more effective than behavior modification or actual medicine.) At best, they work differently for different people. One person’s panacea is another person’s snake oil. As for the data on delayed orgasm, I’d like to point you to a recent column in which I reviewed the literature on this condition. The way experts treat this problem is usually multifaceted and “may include adjusting the offending medication and sex therapy.” (Are you taking SSRIs? That could be the culprit.) So it’s a good idea to work with a therapist on this issue. There are several drugs that show promise in treating this condition, including cabergoline, bupropion, oxytocin,
Amphetamine/Dextroamphetamine (Adderall). You can also talk to your doctor about prescriptions, but none of these are prescribed for DO (requires off-label prescription) and may come with unwanted side effects. Consider this as an option if the other suggestions here do not resolve your issue.

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dear way,

I’m in my late 40s and I’m not aromantic, but I’m asexual. I’m a leader in a local asexual group and we march together at Pride. My family and friends know I’m an ace.

Two years ago, I started researching some physical symptoms related to the reproductive system. One thing led to another and I had major surgery, underwent pelvic floor therapy, and started taking several medications to treat medical issues. Long story short, I’m no longer asexual – quite the opposite. Suddenly I really wanted to have sex.

But I’ve never eaten it. I wasn’t even interested in dating and I don’t know how to explain to people what happened in my life (especially without telling them all the medical details that are irrelevant to them) . I certainly don’t know where to start. Is it even worth giving up my happy ace lifestyle just to try this sex for the first time?

–Wait, what do we do now?

Please wait.

Yes, it’s worth it. You’re interested in something that wasn’t there before. Experiencing it may lead to growth. That doesn’t mean asexual people who’ve never had sex (or experienced sexual attraction) don’t have the ability to thrive. Of course, it can grow. But denying yourself interests you can absolutely explore will stunt your growth. You owe it to no one to be true to the identity you once claimed. That identity is yours, and if it is of no use to you, there is little point in retaining it in principle. Of course you can if you want to, but I feel that if you do, your desire for more will follow you for the rest of your life.

I wouldn’t worry too much about what your initial exploration means for your asexuality anyway. As you probably know, there are many asexual people who have sex. (In terms of common usage of the label, it is actually the lack of sexual attraction to others that defines sexual orientation. But even that is not necessarily fixed.) Before you make any big declarations about sex, make sure you know how you feel about sex. sexuality. If you come out as an allo, some people will understand and others won’t. Spend your time and energy on those who do.

The easiest place to start experimenting is in the app. Services like Feld offer fairly open-minded people and a profile space to explain your situation if you choose to do so. If you want to be more discreet, you can also post a photo without your face on your profile, but this may result in lower engagement than a profile with a face photo. To maximize your pool of potential partners, use the many apps (including Tinder and Match) and put yourself in front of people through activities and nightlife. Try speed dating. Don’t let your lack of experience hold you back. We’re all making this stuff up as we go, but sometimes when you have a strong connection with someone, everything just works out. Good luck!

-rich

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