My biggest nightmare is finding myself thinking, “Why bother?” To couples who come to me for therapy. However, there are times when I feel like telling the cold truth.
Like when they scream and everyone walks on eggshells with their shoulders tensed, ears pricked up and their bellies knotted. Or when he sees her shudder at his touch, immersed in her work or friendships, looking for an escape.
“So, what do you mean, guys? Who are you kidding?” I want to say, but I suppress my thoughts.
The couple sitting on my couch is looking for the healing magic, the rose dust of relationships, but I don’t know if I can make it happen.
But today I swallowed a truth serum. Allow yourself to tell it like it is so you can find the love you need.
I say “the love you need” because you can go through multiple relationships, just searching for what you think you want, and end up becoming more and more disappointed and unhappy in each relationship. Because sex is very real. What you need is deeper and lasts longer.
Why couples therapy doesn’t work for some people
Not all couples who come to therapy leave with a healthier mindset, goals, or better relationships. The number one reason treatments fail is unrealistic expectations. Couples want healing magic that can solve their problems with little effort.
Unfortunately, there is no magic cure, but the following nine practices can help you get the most out of your couples therapy investment.
Here are 9 honest ways to make couples therapy more effective
1. Accept the fact that treatment works.
Whether you are struggling with fights, disconnection, loneliness, or broken trust, a therapist can help. They are trained, experienced, and caring, so they can help. It’s unlikely that you’ll meet someone who is as strategic as you and rooting for your success. The neutral face worn by therapists is not a lack of emotion, but is practiced and purposeful to create a safe space where one can open up without fear of judgment.
The therapist’s role is to instruct and evaluate, so it is not effective to allow judgment or opinion in the room. please do not worry. If necessary, they will find ways to help you make better choices and protect your integrity without belittling or silencing your self-esteem.
2. Trust your therapist
Maybe you’ve been hurt by a relationship that didn’t put your best interests first, but therapists have vested interests that go beyond therapy time and credit card balances. As early as 1931, Carl Rogers understood that: The alliance between you and your therapist iIt’s even more important than the treatment itself. This belief continues to gain momentum as multiple research projects confirm what therapists already knew. So make the most of your therapy time by getting to know your therapist, building trust, and being vulnerable and honest.
3. Be honest, but never hurtful.
If you arrive at the therapy office at rock bottom, your distress predicts that you are ready to hunker down and achieve some goals. You have come to the end of the politeness rope and the beginning of an honest conversation. Even if those conversations don’t happen at home, I hope they happen in my office, where many couples are hearing the truth and facing the realities of their relationships for the first time.
You might think honesty is a given, but two Columbia University researchers, Matt Blanchard and Barry Farber, found that of the 547 therapy clients they studied, He states: 93% admitted to lying to their therapist. If you’ve spent money and time on therapy, why not move straight towards your goals?
Your therapist may want to encourage you to omit or downplay things you are embarrassed about, hide the depth of your fears or sadness (even from yourself), and act as if therapy is more beneficial than it actually is. I know. However, telling the truth can be a shortcut to releasing inner tension, freeing up energy for health, and achieving shared understanding.
Your honest experience told in your own words can make a big difference in achieving your goals.
4. Commit to the people you care about.
Not all couples have a strong and equal desire for a successful relationship, and there is nothing a therapist can do to change that. If you feel more disappointed, more doubtful, and feel like you’ve lost who you used to be, these facts will show up between your words and in your body language. This is when the therapist pivots from goals to question marks and refocuses in a different direction, with goals as a couple taking a backseat to exploring individual needs and questioning the whys and hows of the relationship. It means hugging and asking about your child’s needs.
You can save time and money by taking a look at yourself and journaling about the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship before making a commitment. Research shows that most people end up experiencing some kind of ambivalence in their relationships, especially in the 10th year. Brigham Young University, which conducted the survey 2000 women. If your relationship dynamic allows it, commit to working toward your goals and seek help from a therapist. If you choose this method, do it with confidence. Because the couples in the BYU study who stayed together reported becoming significantly happier over time.
Before you seek changes or set goals, try the healing strategy of bringing all the things you like and love about your loved one into your therapy session.
5. Take personal responsibility
Your therapist knows that you are contributing to the relationship going off track, so be sure to mention your failures as well as yours. Without making excuses or defending yourself, talk to your therapist about your screaming, distractions, and ignoring. By doing so, your partner will also acknowledge the burden of their own disorder and both of you can benefit from the therapist’s guidance on how to get back on track. Your trusted therapist is not interested in blame or fault.
6. Practice acceptance
When you enumerate the other person’s flaws, obstacles, and challenges, the therapist sees red flags of non-acceptance. Body language and words demand change at all costs. Asking your partner to lose weight, change jobs, or end friendships is insulting and won’t create the warm atmosphere needed to share your vision and goal-setting.
All your partner feels and hears are the unhealthy words, “You’re not good enough.” Learn the rules you’d like to change and send us your next message.
:I like you just the way you are. You have a valuable story to tell. You have weaknesses just like me, and I accept your shortcomings just like mine. ”
7. Practice abstinence
The partners I know are Successfully quit drinking from addiction, and the changes in their relationship and family life were miraculous. They are now reliable, responsible, and able to achieve their commitments and goals. Without steps toward sobriety, addicts typically fail to achieve their relationship goals. Start in dry January and continue as long as possible until December.
Incorporating the above qualities into your treatment will get you off to a good start. But no matter how open, honest, committed, personally responsible, accepting and calm you are, there are two qualities that will bring an end to your relationship.
8. Don’t belittle
Contempt is the ultimate destroyer, damaging both the couple’s relationship and the individual’s self-esteem. It can be contempt, sarcasm, criticism, but the feeling of being ignored, shamed and disrespected is very hurtful and portends a break in the bonds of the relationship. John Gottman, known for his lifelong research on marital stability and divorce prediction, observed thousands of couples arguing in his laboratory.he said this Contempt predicts divorce with over 90% accuracy.
9. Avoid the trap of doing nothing.
We often ended the session with a list of solutions and a plan of action. Still, the next week you’ll hear the usual excuses. I was busy with work, busy with my children’s events, busy with the flu.
I know the demands of family life. The endless to-dos, the career fatigue of commuting, the time for a 20-minute “how are you” and “tell me more” conversation each day, the endless background, etc. Listen, listen, listen. There are so many things I want to ask you.
Or maybe the request is so small that it’s easy to miss.
In my most beloved community, the family of people who occupy so many of my waking thoughts, missing small parts can lead to big problems. So, choose to be active today, take the first steps toward your goals from your therapist’s couch, and get back to living a happy life.
leta faye walker I am a therapist who specializes in healing relationships. She offers one-on-one sessions, couples retreats, and courses to help couples get back on track.
