How to Do It is Slate's sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It's anonymous!
dear way,
I'm a pansexual woman and have been with my non-binary partner for a year and a half. Every friend and family member who has ever met them waxes poetic about how charming they are and how “charming” they are.
However, I have recently realized that I am not attracted to them. At one point, I thought so too, but that's mainly because they're so conventionally attractive and they're successful visual artists, and even before we met I was drawn to their work. I admired it. The truth is, I always had a type and I knew from the beginning that it wasn't a good fit. After the “honeymoon period” of the relationship ended, this inconsistency began to affect me more and more. I started making excuses not to have sex and shutting out their temptations before they got excited. To be honest, sex with them wasn't all that shocking to begin with. I tried to tell them how I liked being touched and they were helpful with feedback, but in the end my initial lack of excitement always led to me really getting into it. prevent it from becoming. For the past six months or so, I have never had sex without fantasizing about someone else.
I guess my question is, “Is this enough reason to end the relationship with them?” They are kind and loving people, so I am fully aware that the fact that they are not my ideal type is a very shallow reason for dissatisfaction. But when it comes to long-term relationships and sexual partnerships, isn't it okay to be a little shallow? Do you want to feel some kind of sexual interest in the person you're with? They told me repeatedly that I was their ideal type and that they wanted to marry me. So I feel even more guilty for my anxiety. Would it be better to be with this kind and gentle person who doesn't give you any sexual feelings? Or should you break up with them and pursue a hypothetical handsome guy who's just as kind and loving, but you don't even know exists?
— stuck in shallow water
Dear stuck in shallow water,
The confusion in your mind is obvious. The second paragraph of your letter is basically an argument with yourself. Let me solve this problem for you and yourselves. Leaving a relationship because of sexual incompatibility does not make you a bad person. In summary, when you write, “I am fully aware that the fact that they are not my ideal type is a very shallow reason to be dissatisfied,” you are calling the situation frivolous. Expressing. First, dissatisfaction, whatever its underlying cause, is still in a bad state. Second, the problem isn't just that your partner isn't your ideal type. You are not attracted to them. This isn't about type. This means you have no appetite for what's on your plate. And notice how it manifests itself in overwhelming sex. Do you really think you should be guilty of something like that for the rest of your life just because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings?
You did nothing wrong by trying to build a relationship with this person. While it's true that you tried it against your better judgment, there's nothing wrong with trying to push yourself outside of the “type” kind of box we've set for ourselves. So in the end it didn't work out the way you had hoped. It's a possible outcome in any relationship, yet most of us can't decide to break up.
Given your strong feelings here, I think you're ready for an honest conversation with your partner. Perhaps it's the kind of conversation that could end the relationship, but in any case, you're already on the verge of that. Let us know what you are experiencing as kindly and sensitively as possible (i.e. frame the conversation in terms of) your Consider your type and your sexual response so it doesn't feel like a judgment, with plenty of caveats about objective attractiveness to help reinforce this). See if you have any ideas for next steps. Perhaps the answer is to keep things open so that you can be together, sexually satisfied, and keep this wonderful person close to you. Maybe they don't like the idea at all and agree that it's time for you to break up. Making a mutual decision may at least relieve some of the guilt, and I think that's good for you. You're being very hard on yourself, which many people are experiencing, so no matter how this relationship turns out, it's important for your self to handle this as ethically and kindly as possible. It may be very important to the image.
-rich
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