I Live With OCD and Intrusive Thoughts of Hurting People

• At age 35, I started having intrusive thoughts about hurting the people I love.
• I was diagnosed with OCD and was relieved, but also confused.
• I ended up learning more about OCD and how to manage it to live a happy life.

I knew I had anxiety, but I always thought I had it under control. At 35 years old, I was going through a tough time at work and thought I had no choice but to deal with extreme stress.

Finally, I snapped.

I started having horrible thoughts about hurting the people I love. These thoughts were violent, terrifying, and unlike anything I had experienced before. I was afraid that I would “lose control” and hurt someone, even though I didn’t want to hurt anyone.

Then I had my first panic attack. My legs started shaking uncontrollably and I had trouble breathing. I was afraid I would go crazy and have to go to a mental hospital for the rest of my life.

Thankfully, I was able to get the help I needed and was eventually diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

my thoughts suddenly became unbearable

I was diagnosed with depression in high school and then anxiety in college, so I was used to anxious thoughts. But when my thoughts became more intense, I became anxious.

Having thoughts like this about hurting someone I love was really scary, especially since I had never had thoughts like that before.

I was worried about being close to my family because I didn’t want to somehow “lose control” and hurt them. I felt like I couldn’t trust myself when it came to knives, to the point where I stopped going into the kitchen. I felt completely lost.

After my first panic attack, I asked for help

About a week after my breakdown, I connected with a therapist. When I told my therapist what I’ve been dealing with, she said it was intrusive thoughts. She validated how scary these thoughts were, but reassured me that they meant nothing to me as a person. We have created a plan to avoid these intrusive thoughts and ways to not identify with them. I then met with a psychiatrist who prescribed an SSRI.

Both my therapist and psychiatrist told me I had undiagnosed OCD. Anxiety disorder and her OCD have very similar characteristics, and it can be difficult to tell the difference between the two.

I was confused. I thought OCD was when I was hyper-focused on germs and cleaning. It certainly wasn’t me, but how could I be OCD?

As it turns out, I learned that OCD can be manifest in several ways. For example, a person with OCD may experience anxious thoughts or worries about violent or sexually inappropriate behavior. You may also be afraid of being exposed to germs and bacteria that can harm you or others. You may also experience a fear of “losing control.”

The hardest part of OCD is the brain. Reaction to intrusive thoughts. To stop these anxious and frightening feelings, people may avoid, isolate, or constantly seek reassurance. This compulsive behavior only causes intrusive thoughts to occur more frequently and more intensely.

Additionally, mental health is a moving target, and symptoms can change over time. For example, my girlfriend’s OCD expressed her fear of harm coming to those she loved. Now it manifests itself in my fear of losing control and hurting someone else. Even if I don’t want to.

However, I was relieved after receiving the diagnosis. It made a lot of sense and I was able to connect the dots with many other compulsive behaviors I exhibited as a child. However, my parents didn’t know it was OCD at the time.

Thankfully, I rarely have these kinds of intrusive thoughts anymore.

My therapist has helped me develop some tools to deal with OCD. My medication reduces the occurrence of intrusive thoughts in the first place.

I’ve learned to admit that I have intrusive thoughts, tell myself not to identify with them, and work through them.

It’s not that I don’t have bad days, but I know what to do when I have them. I no longer have to worry about losing control because I know I am in control of how I react to my thoughts and emotions.

If you struggle with intrusive thoughts, you’re not alone. But if they interfere with your life or make you feel scared or stressed, talk to a mental health professional.

Normalizing mental health is very important. That’s why I want to share my story. Thanks to treatment and medication, I am able to live a full and happy life.