It’s spring. Jasmine came out and the days were getting longer. That means it’s time for my gym’s annual fitness challenge.
With perfect timing, right after the first swimsuit ad, I received a short email titled “10 Week Fat Loss Program.” I signed up immediately.
Abu Hlav? “It turns out that the two most tense parts of my body, the masseter cheek muscles, are actually due to existential fear.credit:Saunders & French Productions
Of course, I have a mirror, so I know this doesn’t turn me into Elle Macpherson. It doesn’t even slow it down.Like removing rust from a Leyland P76, I do this to maintain load bearing.
The late Nora Ephron wrote a classic essay. About maintenance, about all the things you do when you’re battling middle age. In it, she said, she oscillated between getting fit and breaking something. I threw my right hip out on the treadmill, rolled over in bed and completely destroyed my neck.”
You can’t write like Nora, but you can exercise like her. She’s hurt her lower back in a stretching class and pulled all her lower abdominal muscles on a burpee. “You mean you put her arms above her head?” she asked her doctor fearfully, staring at her black-and-blue belly.
“I do this to keep it in good condition for road use.”credit:Thompson/Fairfax Media
None of this deterred me from trying to cheat the watch. Recently, I entered a beauty clinic, a temple of self-improvement. After the doctor told her to remove the mask, she gasped and said, “Your face has lost a lot of volume!” Did she say “at least I have cheekbones, moonface”? No, I went home with the intention of Googling “low facial volume” and “cancer” just in case.
The problem is that I have no exercise history. As teenagers, we used diuretics and alpine light to fit jeans. Switching from Chablis to Smirnoff casks helped me lose weight in college. It never occurred to us to start playing sports. Aren’t you sweaty?
Of course, as many of my friends have pointed out, it’s all pointless. One person, with a casual French attitude towards life, told me not to be stupid. Look.” In fact, every time I do this challenge, I look 10+ years older than my Shar Pei with more wrinkles.
