How to Do It is Slate's sex advice column. I have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It's anonymous!
dear way,
I've recently become single after 20 years of marriage, and those 10 years have been completely sexless and loveless. I recently went out with someone and we were clearly attracted to each other. This was my only date in 16 months of being single. We briefly became intimate, but we both wanted to wait to move on further to avoid rushing things. However, due to circumstances in our lives, we were unable to meet due to other matters.
The problem is, I'm always thinking about this person. forever. I want to have sex with them. I want to fall in love with them. Many months have passed. I am grateful that I was able to restore this brilliance. On the other hand, I have to stop thinking about them. The reason you want to quit your new and improved masturbation habit is because you'll want more. help!
—We need to get rid of our attachments.
I need to get rid of my dear attachment,
I recommend another date or the 12th. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of one spark, but you can find that spark again with someone else. You keep thinking about this person who can't exist for you, but there's nothing else to fill that space. I think dating more people will help you figure out if your obsession with that person is actually personal, or if you're just drunk on self-indulgence. If it's the latter, that's great. Dating and the attention and feedback that comes with it can be very seductive in and of itself. So let's go outside. At least it will be a good distraction.
In any case, thoughts of this person you can't have will fade over time. But since you are improving, I don't think you should stop masturbating (I don't know exactly what that means, but I can take a guess and I'll happily take your word for it) ). A good masturbation practice will also help you prepare for the next person you want to have sex with. Basically it's about keeping the machine lubricated, which is very important.
dear way,
I'm a man and I was a nude model in the 90s. My images are published on several websites and I am mostly posed with women. I haven't modeled in almost 30 years. But recently, a photographer contacted a friend of mine who had no idea that I used to model like this. Their communication was not specifically about me, only about my friend's poem and that she wanted to dedicate some photos that inspired my friend's poem.
The photographer does not know that I am friends with this poet. She (the photographer) added a hyperlink from my friend's girlfriend website to her own girlfriend website. She is not asking me for money, nor does she feel threatened. She doesn't know how or what to tell her friends. I don't even know if my friends have seen my photos. To make matters worse, my friend is also a good friend of her wife. I don't know how to approach this.
— Drowning in confusion
Dear people drowning in confusion,
There are too many unanswered questions here to give you definitive answers. I don't know what this dynamic situation is. will do What's more, disclosure is required. You were a nude model 30 years ago. That was in the distant past and there was nothing wrong with it to begin with. Ever since you started exposing your body, we've seen the rise of internet porn, tube sites, and creator-based subscription services like OnlyFans. With each step along this path, the stigma surrounding this type of work has been reduced a little bit. Of course, this stigma has not been completely dispelled, and indeed, that's how progressivism generally works, so one would expect older people to be less involved than younger people overall.
Objectively, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe your friend saw your penis. If she's still friends with you, she won't criticize you for it or your decision to show it. teeth But is it embarrassing? The fact that this is bothering you so many years later means that you're doing a job that I'm assuming you're in for a good reason, and (again) essentially wrong. This suggests that they continue to have certain negative feelings about work that is not unethical or unethical. . If you have a therapist, you might want to bring this up and consider it.
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dear way,
Everyone's body changes as they age, and I thought I was prepared for it. Most of the time, it's out of your control. But my boyfriend and I are both 25 years old, and he's starting to go bald. He has been there for about 2 years. It makes him look like his father (who I hate so much), but there's nothing I can do about it. He also constantly harps on it and refuses to shave his remaining hair. I understand that his aesthetic choices don't need to be made around me, but I'm tired of it. I wish he would invest in professional care for that (expensive, but within his budget) or shave it off and stop moaning about it. I've tried hard to remain neutral and support him every time he brings up an alternative, but I'm tired of the topic and the look of it.
Is there a subtle way to bring this up and resolve the conversation? How about some good porn of bald men who don't look like bikers or wrestlers? I'm trying to retrain my brain by following attractive bald men on social, but I still can't really find them in porn.
—trying to be better
Dear people who are striving to be better,
Try to approach this with a generous tone. “It makes me sad to hear you harp on yourself. Why don't you shave the rest of your body?” is more likely to be said than “Your partial baldness is gross.” there is. You can also offer to shave it for him. But my hunch is that willingly getting naked would be admitting defeat, and he's not ready for that yet. Please muster all the patience and compassion you can muster. Aging really sucks.
If you want to approach him from a perspective centered on your own experiences, you might be able to approach him through his resemblance to his father. If he knows you don't like his father, and I'm sure he does, I think that's a very strong argument for letting him shave his armpits. However, no matter what method you use, I don't think you should approach the issue with the assumption that it will be resolved in one discussion. Convincing him to try shaving may be a process.
He's a grown man, so I can understand your frustration, but in my experience, a big part of what makes a man attractive is how he carries himself. It goes beyond aesthetics. Perhaps part of what's going on here is that he has anxiety and you're reacting negatively. In that case, helping him increase his confidence may be helpful. Of course, there is no guarantee that it will work. This is primarily his job, but encouraging (even flattering him) can provide a kickback that reinvigorates you.
I don't know if the plan to “retrain” your brain will work per se, but you can try it. After watching porn, I became attracted to a certain type of person. However, this was always due to inadvertence. I'm not convinced that it's something I can actually do. I'm sure you can think of many performers who look similar to bikers or wrestlers. That's because what you perceive as characteristics of those types (perhaps a certain ruggedness or muscularity) are popular in porn. I don't know if that disqualifies people like JMac and Johnny Sins, but they're pretty big. You can also look up gay porn. Maybe someone like Drew Sebastian or Rhythm Shabazz can look into it. But I can only spit here. A Google search for “bald pornstar” or “bald gay pornstar” will give you plenty of options to pursue depending on your tastes. What's more, a simple Google search for “hottest bald men” can cast an even wider net of potential desires.
-rich
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My husband has always been really nice and generous to me. I love it and he's good at it. But over the past few years, I've developed a gag reflex that's so debilitating that it's almost impossible to blame him. Whenever I can muster up the motivation he appreciates it, but when I do it I get so filled with anxiety that I start to feel nauseous. I feel horrible about this. He is happy to criticize me, but I can hardly talk back. He says it's okay and understands, but I can't help but feel horrible. Is it really okay for a man to just give verbally and not receive? For years?
