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There will be back-to-back celebrations with family and friends throughout December and January of this year. While this time of year is generally considered “the most wonderful time of the year,” as the classic song goes, we can all be acutely aware of who is missing from the holiday table.
As a trauma therapist specializing in grief and loss in Washington, D.C., Megan Riordan Jarvis advises clients on how to move through challenging times filled with painful triggers. She brings her personal perspective, gained from decades of training and clinical experience as well as her struggle with complex post-traumatic stress disorder following the sudden death of her mother, to her own I'm incorporating it into my work.
In her new book, “The End of Time: A Therapist's MemoirJarvis calls this a “love letter to his clients,” gleaning from his own embodied grief experience along with the intervention by admitting himself to the same inpatient treatment center to which he had previously referred clients. Tell a story about a time when you shared your insights and practices. It helped the people she treated. In this conversation, Jarvis explains how paying attention to her body's reactions during her vacation and beyond can provide important insights to help her recover from her loss. Masu.
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In End of the Hour: A Therapist's Memoir, Megan Riordan Jarvis shares her journey to coming to terms with loss after the death of her mother.
This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.
CNN: Why are the holidays such a difficult time for people who are grieving?
Megan Riordan Jarvis: The gap between our expectations and reality has a huge impact. The holidays aren't “the most wonderful time of the year,” they are filled with stress and sadness for many people. Often my clients devise avoidance strategies. They shop online to escape endless holiday music, double-book to cut down on time spent at awkward gatherings, and avoid losing socks hanging over the fireplace. You might even plan a trip to Aruba. But trying to avoid sadness triggers doesn't work. A feeling of infallibility.
CNN: What do we mean by “triggers” and why can't we avoid them?
Jarvis: We are made of memories. A trigger means that some stimulus from the present moment brings you back to the memory. To keep us safe, our brains are constantly coding information as either threatening or non-threatening. When we encounter familiar data that is coded as harmful to our health, our brain instinctively engages us in a threat response to keep us safe. This is true even if the “data” is simply John Lennon's “It's Christmas.” [a line from his song “Happy Xmas (War Is Over,)”] It kills me because it reminds me of my mother. This is an automatic process of the nervous system. Our attempts at avoidance are no better than what our built-in systems remember.
CNN: What is the biggest struggle for grievers during this time?
Jarvis: Expectations can be the worst part. People always ask me, “How are you going to get through today?” What they really mean is “…with the least amount of pain possible.” Generally, what causes the most pain is the misconception that pain can be avoided. I tell my clients: That's how it will be that day. Accept everything without judgment. ” I also remind people that this day never needs to be repeated. “Your feelings about the holidays will not be the same 365 days later,” I reassure them.
meghan riordan jarvis
Pay close attention to how your body responds to sadness triggers, Jarvis says.
When people say, “I can't bear the pain,” I tell them, “You're already enduring the pain.”It is important to remember that we have already survived worst. So if you hear a song on vacation and it triggers you, just say to yourself, “This is just a memory.” Also, remember that it is not only a memory of pain, but also a memory of love.
CNN: What specific coping strategies do you recommend?
Jarvis: Everyone is different, and finding what works best for you requires some “Sherlock Holmes experience.” It is very important not to feel lonely. I usually encourage people to find at least two people who are your “sad holiday friends,” people you can text or call when a wave of sadness hits. Sharing your overwhelming feelings with people who care can help you feel less overwhelmed. If you don't have any friends, make one yourself. First write down the story, then flip through the pages and respond as if it were written by your loved one. It is very important to have compassion for yourself when you are experiencing loss.
CNN: What have you discovered about the physical symptoms of grief?
Jarvis: After losing my mother, I was truly shocked by the severity of my own physical symptoms. For 20 years, clients have been describing themselves, and I've learned that it's similar to how his friends describe what it's like to live in France. And then you go to France and you think, “Oh, this is what he meant about salted butter!” His sleep was completely disrupted and his brain fog caused him to accidentally throw away his credit card four times. Due to a condition called exostosis, my body has grown small bones all over my ear canal. Then, my hip gave way so suddenly and dramatically that I ended up on my knees and on the floor for days. We filter every experience of the world through our bodies. The stress of grief can cause our bodies to become inflamed.
We had a customer whose hair started to fall out. She kept saying, “She's really stressed out,” but she couldn't say why. Once she understands that this is a response to grief, it completely changes the way she presents herself and realizes that she is not failing to manage her life, but instead is coming from a loss. It helped me realize that I was responding to tectonic shifts in reality. Darling. Thanks to her hair loss, she realized she needed to pause to grieve.
CNN: Do you have any advice for people to become more attuned to their physical experience of emotions?
Jarvis: I use this method with my clients to understand how their systems are connected. Set the timer for 7 minutes. Then close your eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine a can of magnetic paint being slowly poured over your head. As it rolls down your body, the paint only sticks to areas of your body where energy is stored. When the timer goes off, note where the paint has accumulated. This tells you where the energy is stored. Then we become interested in energy. how big is it? What is it made of? Does the shape change? How long has it been there? What does it usually drive me to do? What does it need from me? With practice, you'll be able to stop imagining the paint and just do what's called a body scan.
CNN: How can grievers best cope with the physiological effects of loss?
Jarvis: Paying attention to your body's reactions can provide important insight into what coping strategies can help you recalibrate your nervous system. Understanding the progression of the body's response to threat, from fight to flight, freezing to collapse, is key. Depending on your condition, different practices may be helpful.
Fighting mode when grieving can seem like making too many holidays. I tell myself that this year without my father is going to be the best first year ever. Unfortunately, we know that this effort to combat grief is not successful. Your body's ability to remind you of painful things is more powerful than your ability to stage-manage with holly and mistletoe.
A grieving person who has run away might say, “Let's just go to Barbados and pretend Christmas never happened.'' Of course, there's nothing wrong with breaking your routine, but be cognizant of the fact that even in Barbados, Christmas Day is here and you still don't have a father. Emotions will definitely come up.
Freeze may seem like he doesn't care about the holiday, either because he learns it's Christmas Eve or because he's shocked that he missed the first four days of Hanukkah.
Collapse can cause people to hide in the shadows and avoid everyone and everything. They may try to dissociate by using alcohol, drugs, gambling, or excessive shopping to distract themselves from difficult emotions. Healthier separation might include scrolling through TikTok, cleaning, or binge-watching Netflix.
Freezing and collapse are the most dangerous conditions. When we feel powerless, our brains quickly attach meaning to that feeling and tell us that we are, in fact, powerless. It is important to interrupt that process.
CNN: What do you mean by destruction?
Jarvis: We have to satisfy our nervous system right then and there. Our brain works under two different systems: the activating side and the sedating and cooling side. In a state of hypoarousal, you sleep too much, lack energy, suffer from brain fog and migraines, and are in a dissociative state, so even a lavender bath won't improve your symptoms. Instead, try adding movement into your day. Perhaps incorporating small, manageable initiatives to help you take action. Try cross boxing, jumping jacks, brisk walking, etc. All of these provide bilateral stimulation.
When someone is feeling anxious or excited, or in a state of hyperarousal, it is important to find a way to return to calm. Just like running a puppy or toddler, your body may need to expend energy before calming down. So, run for 30 minutes and then take a warm shower or bath to bring about a relaxed state.Yin yoga and other Slow exercises focusing on stretching Bilateral stimulation can also be helpful.
Sometimes I hold 5-6 ice cubes in each hand and pop 3-4 in my mouth to calm my agitated nervous system. Discomfort focuses my attention on the sensation of coldness.
I often have my clients do a mindfulness exercise called 54321. First, list five things that you can see. Then there are four things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can taste, and one thing you can smell. In therapy, if I see a client starting to dissociate, I ask them to look around the room and say they see one green object or two objects made of glass.
CNN: How do these practices work?
Jarvis: When dysregulated, a brain structure called the amygdala enlarges and blocks message transmission to other parts of the brain, such as the prefrontal cortex. It’s where we do critical thinking. These central nervous system reset practices calm the limbic system from its hyperactive state and bring other parts of the brain back online.
Throughout my training, I had never heard a professional directly address the physical symptoms of grief. Since my own experience in therapy, I have been determined to help inform others about the embodied aspects of grief and how to heal from it. Just like we teach middle school students about adolescence, we need to teach people how our bodies experience grief and prepare for loss, an unavoidable and universal human experience. .
Correction: An earlier version of this article was published in error. Story has been updated to reflect the final version.
jessica duron He is a Brooklyn, New York-based journalist, book collaborator, writing coach, and author of Saved at the Seawall: Stories From the September 11 Boat Lift and My River Chronicles: Rediscovering the Work That Built America.
