Sometimes you don’t even know why you started screaming. mundane conversations about neighbors’ new cars and different kinds of salads, something When I pushed the button, the quarrel began with a click. Certainly not ideal, but it happened. Now that the overheating moment has passed, I don’t know where to pick up the pieces from. The truth is that it doesn’t matter what caused the conflict. The underlying problem is emotional reactivity, which can be enough spark to spark virtually anywhere, anytime.
Emotional reactions are subconscious reactions that are often triggered by formative memories or trauma. When something in the present touches a nerve frayed by something in the past, the nervous system overrides the brain’s advanced reasoning abilities.Washington DC Area Therapist and Writer Stephen Stothney describes emotional reactions as automatic, instinctive responses to excitement that are almost always unwelcome.
“[Emotional reactivity] This is a primitive response that has evolved in all mammals to keep us safe,” he says. “In most situations it is neither necessary nor beneficial to act on it.” It creates and perpetuates discord, he added. “Without regulation, all conflicts escalate, such as whoever you respond to responds to your response.”
So what can you do to better understand, identify, and control your emotional reactions if you find yourself in the above situation? I asked him what he thought. From cataloging your emotions to remembering techniques to de-escalate, here are some that might help.
1. Develop Emotional Awareness When You Feel Good
When you’re reacting emotionally, your emotions are in control. By understanding your emotional state, you will be able to control your emotions. For example, if you find yourself nervous, put that tension into a helpful context and ask yourself why you’re nervous, whether there’s a good reason behind it, or what you can do about it. You can ask if there is But when you’re stressed and emotionally reactive, it’s hard to name your emotions unless you’ve already been trained to do so.new york city therapist Amanda Craig We recommend starting by recognizing happy moments, such as playing with your children or enjoying a meal. “Capturing positive emotions is a good way to start practicing emotional awareness.
2. Create a values-driven framework for difficult interactions
Relationship expert and Adjunct Professor of Counseling Psychology at Columbia University says understanding one’s personal values can help prevent or disrupt emotional reactions Laurel Steinberg. “Make your own rules and procedures that you follow in emotional situations,” she says. “Then you have a personal, value-based framework of ideals to aim for when you have difficult, emotional discussions.” With personal values defined in , he states that he can create and follow guidelines such as: Listen first, think second, respond third.again Only speak at a volume you can brag about later.
3. Respond according to the person, not the situation
Focusing on the underlying humanity of conflict can help you get out of reactive trappings. “Remember that you are interacting with an emotional person,” says Steinberg. Sure, you might be annoyed by what someone says, but they still deserve your respect and consideration. “This means having calm, structured conversations that offer solutions, along with the ability to manage and deal with your own pain and disappointments,” she says.
4. Prepare your defuse phrases in advance
Having a list of de-stressing phrases can help keep your mind one step ahead of your emotional response, notes Craig. Our brains are easily overwhelmed by stress. If you’re afraid you’ll start yelling or saying mean things, some go-to phrases like “thank you for telling me” or “thank you for sharing” Very helpful. “Being able to take a breath and say a phrase gives you room to organize your emotions,” says Craig.
5. Take a deep breath
At the moment of impact, the sympathetic nervous system takes over the role of the quarterback and implements its signature “fight or flight response.” Your body tenses, your heart rate increases, your breathing quickens, and stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol flood your system. It’s hard to put the brakes on the accelerating locomotive of emotions. Still, as Craig points out, simply taking a deep breath when feeling emotionally stressed can start to get you back on track. “First, it saves you three seconds,” says Craig. But it also moves oxygen through the bloodstream and calms your system. ”
6. Do an “emotional push-up”
Think about overcoming emotional reactions in the same way you do physical conditioning. It doesn’t happen overnight. But with steady dedication, you can achieve great results. Stosney recommends a self-assessment technique called “emotional push-ups.” Make a list of times when you were emotionally reacting. Think about each item on your list and notice changes in your own body as you try to understand the other person’s point of view. [the other person’s perspective]’ says Stosney. “But you have to understand it.”
