CNN
—
If there are people in your life who drag you into endless drama, games, and conflicts, you may have an answer.
It becomes a “gray rock”.
According to Dr. W. Keith Campbell, a professor of psychology at the university, “gray-locking” is a strategy for dealing with a narcissist (a person who relies on feeling important or special) and is essentially involves treating them in a bland and boring way until they lose interest. of Georgia.
“There’s no real research on this, but I’ve spoken to many women in these relationships, and I’ve heard from people I really trust that this works.” said Campbell. “And it makes sense in theory.”
Narcissism is complicated, but the technique is simple, says Dr. Craig Malkin, a lecturer in psychology at Harvard Medical School and a licensed psychologist based in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Here’s what you need to know about narcissists and how to get out of conflict with them.
Everyone thinks they have ex-girlfriends who were narcissists, but were they really narcissists?
It depends on what narcissist means, says Malkin.
Like neuroticism and agreeableness, narcissism is a personality trait, so everyone is somewhere on the spectrum for narcissism, even if it’s very low, Malkin added.
“In general, narcissism is characterized by an exaggerated view of oneself, a lack of intimate and emotionally warm relationships with others, and a need for recognition, or at least admiration. It means wanting to be loved,” Campbell said.
Often when someone is called a narcissist, it means that trait is more prominent in that person’s personality than most people.
To be considered a narcissist, a clinician must score in the top 10% of the population for levels of narcissism. That means 1 in 10 people could be classified this way.
A rarer one is narcissistic personality disorder, a condition in which narcissism in general affects more than just people being uncomfortable being together, Campbell said.
“Clinically, if it destroys a marriage, ruins a business relationship, and overconfidence at work kind of breaks you down, it becomes an obstacle,” he added.
And it’s even rarer, Campbell added, with about 1% of the population suffering from the disorder.
According to Malkin, narcissists fall into three categories: overt, hidden, and community.
An overt narcissist is what you would typically think of as an overtly arrogant person whose self-awareness revolves around feeling superior to others.
Covert narcissists act differently. What they believe makes them special is how much they suffer. Often this comes in the form of drawing you in to listen to their troubles. Mr. Malkin said, completely ignoring your concerns.
Finally, community narcissists who feel special because they are most helpful. “This is the person who whispers at parties about the great things they are doing for their neighborhood,” he said. “They want people to understand that they’ve never met someone as caring and as committed to the cause as they are.”
Although it is difficult to say exactly what causes a narcissist to become a narcissist, clinical evidence suggests that narcissists generally have a weak sense of self and tend to use their egos to support themselves and give them attention and admiration. Deborah Ashway, a licensed mental health practitioner, said: Counselor based in New Bern, North Carolina.
Because attention is so important and feeling vulnerable is so scary, narcissists often go to great lengths to get attention, Malkin said. That could mean tapping into different categories of narcissistic behavior, he added.
According to Ashway, narcissists may get angry, threaten, belittle, or play victim to people they are connected with to make them feel important.
“Sometimes, very subtly, over time they become almost deprogrammed from themselves,” she said.
Ideally, you can move away from the narcissist in your life, but sometimes it’s not that easy. People can go years without realizing someone’s narcissism, and by the time they do, they’ve already developed such a close relationship that sharing children, working together, or even seeing each other is inevitable. could be, she says.
It’s important to protect your sense of self and independence from the narcissist, even during conflict or conversation, says Ashway.
What do gray rocks look like?
Imagine getting stuck in a conversation at a party, sending a kid to an ex, or calling a grumpy parent on the phone.
They may try to get your praise, sympathy, or anger with paid comments. Instead of defending, explaining, or asking for details, Malkin said he tries to keep his responses as brief and blunt as possible.
“Okay,” “You have a right to say it,” and “Of course,” are all responses that address the person without inviting them or further engaging them, he added. .
“They’re going to let go, because what power do they have? They’re not attractive, they can’t manipulate you, they can’t destabilize you,” Campbell said. “You’re just doing your thing.”
Some narcissists argue that you just aren’t good enough to engage yourself and move on. At first, Malkin says, some people might get upset that you aren’t giving them the attention they expect.
Ashway said it’s important to know who you’re dealing with. If the person is going to be just an asshole, gray rocking can be very helpful. If she thinks she may be physically abused, she may want to seek professional help, she added.
But it’s important to remember that graylocking isn’t about changing a narcissist’s behavior, says Malkin.
“It’s not that they have amazing insight,” he added. “It’s about protecting yourself.”
