Let's admit it: When relationships don't work out, we tend to blame our partners. It is sometimes difficult to look at ourselves and say we are guilty.
However, there is a concept in psychology that can help you determine whether you are “good” at building healthy relationships, and this concept has more to do with how you interact with yourself than with others. What would happen if
There are psychological techniques that people who have good relationships use on a daily basis.
This is called “ego effectiveness,” and it seems to have a huge influence on how successful our relationships are. But what is ego effectiveness and how does it determine how good we are at relationships?
a Research reported in the Journal of Personality “There are components of the self that recognize effective courses of action and components of the self that carry out the actions. The purpose of the study was to examine the alignment between these different components of the self. ” explains.
The study found that “both participants and partners reported higher satisfaction in their relationships with participants who scored higher on ego-efficacy.”
More casually, ego-efficacy is a psychological concept that refers to the state in which one's actions are consistent with one's ideal view of oneself. Essentially, it's when you are authentic and true to your word.
People with a well-aligned ego-effectiveness are like, what you see is what you get, and both partners in a relationship with such a person report being very satisfied with the relationship. Did.
While this research is thought-provoking, it makes sense that healthy relationships require a healthy sense of self.
When you are aligned with your ideal self, you don't have to hide or hide your actions.
When your actions are not in line with your ideal self, your ego lacks effectiveness.
Ego ineffectiveness is an inability to face the truth about one's actions when they do not align with how one views oneself or one's ideal self. At this time, people may lie, hide the truth, or hide in order to avoid feeling bad about themselves.
If your actions don't align with your ideal self, you're not bringing your best self, perhaps even your true self, into your relationships. When our actions don't align with how we want to be perceived, we tend to distort reality to make us feel like we're a good person.
For example, a narcissist may use gaslighting to distort reality to make themselves look good and avoid having to face their actions if they don't want to admit they've done something wrong. not. In this way, they maintain the positive image they have of themselves.
In other words, their view of themselves does not match their actual behavior. Their view of themselves does not match who they really are. On the other hand, people with ego effectiveness view themselves realistically, act according to their ideal self, and do not have to manipulate others.
To understand the functioning of the ego, we need to look at the following: Freud's structure of the psyche. The structure of personality consists of the id, superego, and ego.
The id is driven by both aggressive and pleasure-seeking drives, seeking instant gratification and avoiding pain. The superego tries to live up to society's expectations and is often driven by feelings of guilt, shame, or criticism. The ego mediates between the id and superego and lives according to the reality principle (consciousness).
Ego effectiveness means being able to see things clearly, have control over your actions, and be able to respond rather than react.
If you have a weak ego, you may use defenses to deny what you don't want to face within yourself. So they find ways to deny reality or distort the truth in some way so they don't have to face this painful truth. .
For example, when your partner condemns your behavior and cannot accept the fact that you did something wrong, you find ways to distort the truth so that it doesn't seem so bad. Thus, your actions are not in line with how you want yourself to be.
Having a healthy ego means not reacting to your impulsive or aggressive desires and recognizing the reality of your feelings when you say how you feel.
How does ego effectiveness affect maintaining healthy relationships?
A healthy relationship is when you are able to express your true emotions that support your authentic self. In this way, you do not react defensively, but in accordance with your ideal ego. Remember: You have ego effectiveness when your actions are consistent with who you really are.
Research conducted Michael D. Robinson, Roberta L. Irvin, Michelle R. Persich (2022) showed that increased ego-efficacy is associated with some positive relationship outcomes, whereas decreased levels of ego-efficacy are associated with some negative outcomes. Ta.
Overall, partners felt more satisfied in relationships with partners who had higher ego efficacy. The results showed that partners felt more committed in their relationships and showed higher levels of intimacy, trust, and love.
Partners reported that ego-effective participants were more approachable, responsive, and committed to the relationship. These findings showed that ego efficacy is related to relationship success.
Ego-effective people were less likely to deny or disengage, and less likely to manipulate their partners. They were able to successfully deal with relationship problems.
There are some important indicators that you are living in a “reality ego” and not reacting defensively or impulsively, which can lead to successful relationships.
1. You can register and express your emotions instead of reacting.
2. Instead of sweeping the issue under the carpet or ignoring it, you can address it midway through.
3. You are able to consider others in your relationships rather than acting according to your own needs and self-interest.
4. Rather than giving in to temptations and impulsive desires, think carefully about the consequences and consider better responses to the situation.
5. Instead of displaying anger that hides underlying emotions, notice uncomfortable emotions like jealousy or anxiety and try to understand where they come from.
6. You control your impulses and discuss things well.
7. You can sit with your anger and tolerate the frustrating emotions instead of reacting immediately.
8. You can take responsibility for your actions and own them instead of distorting the truth.
If the ego is healthy, there is no fear of a punitive superego. You can tone down your inner critic. Because you have compassion for yourself and others, you are able to calm down from conflicts and are not harshly critical of yourself or others.
When you live according to your authentic self, you can cultivate a deeper connection instead of reacting defensively.
Having a healthy ego allows you to live according to your ideal self, as long as your actions are consistent with who you are.
You can consciously control how you respond to yourself and others because you can live according to your inner truth and manage unwanted or destructive impulses. And it can have a positive impact on your love relationships as well.
nancy carbone Author, relationship therapist, and psychodynamic therapist. She is a licensed mental health worker specializing in the treatment of personality disorders and relationship trauma.
