This has been so freeing and it has improved my life overall by giving myself breaks to do things in a way that works best for me.
The problem is that my spouse now seems to think it’s their job to manage me, and the ADHD diagnosis is a sign that I can’t manage myself. This includes learning how to complete certain chores or getting irritated while working (with a successful high-paying job) while the TV is on. This point particularly irritates me. Because I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do with my job.
Unfortunately, my job is remote and my home office is in a shared space, so they can see how I work whether I want to or not. How can I get my spouse to back off? Or better yet, will they respect me as an independent adult?
Recently diagnosed: 1. Ask your spouse directly. “How can I get you to step back or, if possible, respect me as an autonomous adult?!”
Discuss where you can and cannot raise concerns. Ideally, “Good luck, we’re both adults” would be enough, but your ADHD has/almost certainly/definitely caused your spouse extra work in the past. Since it may have brought extra work to the spouses, it is only fair that it creates new power relations and distribution of labor conversation games. I encourage you to talk specifically about what will be productive for both of you and what won’t be productive, such as nagging or infantilizing. It’s easy to understand when you roleplay.
2. If the intrusions don’t stop after this conversation, just keep talking until your spouse adjusts by saying, “Thank you, I understand.” “Thank you, I brought this.” “Thank you, I brought this.”
Although it cannot sustain a marriage for the long term, it can be very effective as a temporary retraining tool.
Re: ADHD: I’m not saying OP’s spouse should control how she lives and works, but I find it extremely annoying if they have the TV on in a shared workspace at home. think.
Work from home also: That’s obvious, but it goes something like this: “Could you please turn off the TV?” I’m so distracted that I can’t work. thank you. “So there’s nothing about ADHD.
· I learned a lot from my sister who has ADHD. It is important that you manage your ADHD and how it affects you and those around you. That’s because having ADHD and learning management tools is essential to becoming an autonomous and independent individual. If you choose to delegate administrative tasks to your spouse by choice, that is your choice. But if your spouse thinks that way, then your spouse is actually getting in the way of your adjustment and progress.
· I loved how my diagnosis allowed me to see myself in a new light and gave me permission to act differently than others. That’s the power of labels. Sometimes just having it can act as permission to be kinder to yourself. We also hope it helps you find ways to navigate the world and find resources in different ways.
