I live the furthest away and have spent almost seven of the last ten weeks sleeping on an air mattress in my parents’ den, working remotely and trying to spend as much time with her as possible, and my 80-something dad doing so. I tried to keep it from happening. No need to spend 10 hours a day alone in the hospital.
I’m trying to get back to my apartment and work, but it’s not going too well. My boss understands, but he needs me to finish the work.
My father is miserable, but he tries his best and perseveres. His group texts are like PR reports, driving his brother insane. Because he’s a social scientist and wants everything to be evidence-based. He wants reality, not hope. And I’m desperately trying from 450 miles away to do little things that none of them would have thought of, like letting the new care team know what food she actually eats.
My brother wants to hang up the phone because he preaches that my father is not realistic. I can’t believe they both can’t seem to talk to the nurse about their dietary situation. And I’m still here, scared that she’s going to die alone, it’s her worst nightmare, and I can’t be there and hold her hand — I’ve been 4 years old. I’ve done that many times over the course of a month, but I don’t know if it’s really right. I don’t know if that will happen anytime soon, but it could. help.
Fear: Oh sorry.
It’s all “important”. Whatever you give, whenever you are there. It’s all about doing what you can when you can.
The rest are out of your control. So every time you have anxiety about something you can’t do or someone you can’t change, tell yourself it’s out of your control. Release each of these strings instead of flapping around in them until they are knotted in place.
There is one exception. Remind the dear social scientist that there is evidence that your father won’t stop his PR. So my brother’s persistent efforts to change his father are not a way of life based on reality. Ahem.
Then delete the subject regardless of whether he cedes the point or disputes it. And don’t sit still during the lecture.
Also, in general, recognize that you are spinning right now and this is the explanation for that action. Dad says, “It’s okay!” And your brother says, “It’s all science!” And you, too, are all too far away to do small things! When it really does, it’s all “This will happen with or without you. All you get is margin.”
Take a breather with it. Let go of everything you cannot control. Please know that it is enough to ease your mother’s suffering as best you can. Simplify your immediate life: work, self-care, sleep. Streamline, breathe, repeat.
For those who are frightened: When my mother was dying of cancer, the best thing we did was seek hospice services. Hospice is not about admitting defeat. Sometimes people live for years with hospice services. Hospice is meant to celebrate the person and bring them joy and comfort in their final weeks, months and years. And often this can be done at home.
