Julie Chavez, an author from Pleasanton, photographed at her home in Pleasanton, California, on Monday, January 8, 2024. Ms. Chavez, an elementary school librarian in Pleasanton and mother of two boys, just published her memoir about dealing with panic attacks. . This book will be released on January 9th. (Jose Carlos Fajardo/Bay Area News Group)
Julie Chavez recalls the night in April 2018 when things got chaotic. A Pleasanton elementary school librarian calls it “the night you couldn't turn off the lights.”
Her husband was away on a business trip, and her sons, ages 9 and 11, were sleeping in the hallway of the family's cozy suburban home. But Chavez's heart was pounding “hard” in her chest and she couldn't steady her breathing. She thought she might die.
Chavez, 44, writes in her new memoir, Everyone But Myself (Zibby Books, 240 pages) that she was having typical panic attacks. She was convinced she would go into anaphylactic shock from an allergic reaction. Earlier in the day, she had been exposed to pollen at her son's baseball game.
Somewhere deep down, Chavez knew that his fear was irrational, but he couldn't stop himself from thinking about it. She managed to survive the night without having terrible breathing problems, but when she woke up the next morning she realized she desperately needed help.
She was trying to achieve a “perfectly happy life” and somehow ended up developing a severe anxiety disorder. She was proud of her self-confidence and her abilities, had a good marriage, her children were grown, and she had a wonderful family. She also kept busy with her fulfilling job and volunteer work. Her therapist later told her that she was in her “mid-mom crisis.” This is a common symptom among overextended working mothers, she says.
Chavez's book is an account of her search for redemption and what she learned along the way. Among other things, she dispelled the misconception that mental health disorders don't happen to people like her and that panic attacks are just something you can “get over.” Chavez, who moved to the Bay Area in 2014, also found new ways to communicate with her husband, Mando, and adjust her expectations as a parent. She hasn't had such attacks since then, and that's because she has learned to deal with triggers and stress when they occur.
Here she talks about her journey.
question: Did you have any previous issues with anxiety or depression? You mentioned that when you were in high school in Colorado, you went through a bad breakup that sent you into a spiral and put you on the antidepressant Zoloft.
answer: After my first son was born, it was really difficult for me too. (But) I don't think I've ever experienced the general anxiety that occurred when the events in the book happened.
question: I trace the beginning of my panic attacks back to five months ago, when I had a reaction to a standard allergy shot. I had to go back to the doctor's office to get epinephrine and prednisone injections to alleviate the rash, but these drugs really made you feel agitated and almost out of control. Can you talk about that?
answer: In terms of my main fear, it was a really traumatic experience for me. I fear that something will happen to me and my sons and family will be left without me. So the combination of the allergy shots and the physical experience of a systemic reaction to the medication, they combined to make me feel like the situation was unstable. What I didn't do was deal with the experience. I continued to move forward and added more things to my to-do list.
question: Then, for several months, anxiety faded into the background. Why did my symptoms come back and escalate into a full-blown panic attack when I went to my son's baseball game?
answer: I'm sitting under these trees raining pollen and petals. I started sneezing and my eyes started to itch. These are normal seasonal allergies and have been happening to me since childhood. But since I was in this depleted area of the burn site, I wondered, “Have I messed up the system by taking these photos?” My body became so sensitive that just thinking about the possibility of anaphylaxis caused me to panic and couldn't stop the spiral.
question: You describe what's going on in your brain and body as feeling as if some kind of switch has been turned on, and you can't turn it off.
answer: Correct: This is an analogy of a switch. I also understood the spiritual part. I had never felt so much anxiety all over my body. I really felt like something had changed inside my body that I couldn't recognize.
question: Even though you knew your fear of anaphylaxis was irrational, did the fact that you were still afraid of it increase your stress?
answer: If this is cognitively and intellectually true and I know it can't be true, then why am I still stuck in it? It adds to that feeling of being out of control.
question: It sounds like the principal at the elementary school where you worked was very understanding, especially after the doctor advised you to quit your job if you felt too upset.
answer: (The principal) was wonderful. She called it a “working mother's meltdown.” She said this is what will happen when she returns to her job. She did what I needed at the time. It was to prove her experience and say you're not crazy. The second thing she did was give me the space to not make her decision (about quitting her job). By slowing me down and saying, “Let's not make decisions today,” she gave me permission to actually figure myself out. (If I had quit) I wouldn't necessarily have been able to return to that job.
question: Then you found an excellent therapist, Kim, and had a wonderful visit with Tim, an amazing physician assistant who works for your primary care physician. He put you back on Zoloft.
answer: I went to see Kim first and things started to get a little rough at first. You open Pandora's box, and when you haven't felt anything for a while, it comes back with a vengeance. But from that point on, I really felt like I had the basic tools in place.
question: Can you talk about the challenges you and your husband faced that summer, especially the communication challenges?
answer: My husband and I are usually a happy couple. When I was in a lovingly “dark place” I didn't have the words to tell him that. He didn't have the ability to understand it because he had never experienced it. Until you experience anxiety or depression, it's really hard not to place some responsibility on the person who is suffering. I also have to say that I didn't have the practice to express my feelings.
And we had really busy days with our kids. It's like a logistics olympiad that you deal with every day.[Since then]I think that's reflected in the way we talk to each other and the way we talk to our kids now.
question: What do you say about learning to take care of yourself? You talked about volunteering less and doing more jigsaw puzzles, reading, starting yoga, and working out on your Peloton bike.
answer: The road back to myself was paved with very small steps that ended up being powerful. At first I received medication and treatment. Exercising, going to yoga, doing puzzles, and reading represent time for yourself and slowing down. They allowed me to be still and slowly let my muscles build back up. Ultimately, they made me feel the joy of things again. Puzzles are interesting. Each time I completed a puzzle, I took a photo. It was about creating proof to myself that I was taking time for myself. Since the beginning and end of each project were separate, I felt a sense of accomplishment.
question: When the new school year arrives, you go back to work and the kids go back to school. You told a great story about how your oldest son came home from his first day of middle school and said you all missed the memo to come with notebooks and other supplies ready. What was your reaction and how was it different compared to last year?
answer: (If it had been the previous year) I would have left right then to buy school supplies. It would have been embarrassing. This year I laughed and his father took him the next day. And it worked. I learned that perfection strangles joy. And the reality is that while I value loving my sons to the best of my ability, that is sometimes confused with doing anything for them to the best of my ability, and that I love them to the best of my ability. is different. It was a big moment where I thought, “Oh, yeah.” Mistakes lead to growth. ” For me, being kind and good to myself and being a friend and not a critic was a lesson I still really value.
question: How did you and your family fare during the coronavirus lockdown? And given the fear of injections, what did you do with the vaccine?
answer: Thankfully, we have learned better ways to communicate with each other. (Because the vaccine was available) Mando was unable to accompany her for her first vaccination. I brought a friend. I would be embarrassed to say that I was afraid to go in for injections (before). Now I ask what I need. That's the worst part of anxiety and depression for me. That voice tells you that you are alone. you are not alone. Finding that support is a gift.
