Dear Amy: How do I politely say no when a friend asks if they can spend a few nights with us when they are passing through town or vacationing here?
I've never said no to anyone and I've always been nice to people staying at my house, but I've found that it's really not fun.
I am under extreme stress and anxiety before they arrive and while they are here.
My husband doesn't understand my outrage over this. He welcomes anyone who wants to be with us.
I hate the people I spend here with me 24 hours a day. I like to rest in privacy at night, read a book, or watch TV, but the last thing I want is to wake up in the morning and see a face at the breakfast table.
One of our recent guests has already said he plans to return to the city early next year, so I know this issue will come up again soon.
Guests make me anxious. My lack of privacy is an issue, but I'm careful to never let my guests guess my feelings.
I'm tired of pretending it's okay for them to be with us.
If someone wants to stay overnight, how can I suggest that a hotel is a better option?
I don't mean to offend anyone, but to me, my mental health is more important than sharing a home with people from out of town.
How can I say sorry, but no in a nice way?
– don’t say no
Dear Don’t Say: Saying “no” firmly but kindly is an act of defining grace, and in your case, essential self-care.
Your husband is the X factor here. Because he chooses not to recognize your extreme defiance and automatically undermines you by becoming a “yes” man.
His behavior is very unfair to you, but if you pretend that nothing is wrong during your visit, he may believe that you are finally enjoying the host. yeah.
The first person you need to learn how to say “no” to is the man you share your home with. Your stress-induced “rant” before your visit doesn't seem to have impressed him.
Next time, practice saying “no” to the guest you invite. “You mentioned that you would like to visit, but we are finding it very difficult to host these days, so it is not possible to invite you to our home.” We have found some places nearby where you can stay. We hope you will spend some time with us while you are in town. ”
If I can't argue with my husband about this or say “no” to him via email, I'm going to end up at the breakfast table with everyone else.
Perhaps you should consider them essentially your husband's guests.
In that case, you may choose to stay somewhere else or spend as much time alone as possible, especially at the end of the day, to have some privacy. This is an expected change in your behavior, but you need to remain calm and carefully take care of yourself.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. @askingamy or Facebook. )
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