Dear Eric: My husband of almost 60 years of marriage has Alzheimer’s. At this point he doesn’t know who I am other than a “nice woman” that comes to see him. I invite him to have sex with me. Our first date and marriage was very sex-full but it has deteriorated due to my husband’s multiple affairs and infidelities. We hadn’t had sex for over 20 years before he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
It’s unrelated, but I have never cheated. He was not a very good husband, made the big decisions on his own, came and went as he pleased. He was also a bit of a bully and critical. I stayed because I didn’t think I could handle it alone. Now, thanks to his illness, he has become much nicer. My question is, am I raping him? Is this elder abuse? I am enjoying it and he seems to be enjoying it too, but somehow it just feels wrong.
– Unknown Wife
To my beloved wife: There’s a lot to cover, so I’ll try to be precise. Some may think that older adults with Alzheimer’s or dementia can’t consent to sex, but gerontology experts don’t think so. In a study published in 2023 called “Sexual Consent Latency Model,” researchers Dr. Natalie Huitema and Dr. Maggie Syme wrote, “We all need relationships, touch, and connection to survive. This is true for people who live in nursing homes and have cognitive concerns.” To solve this problem, they devised a multi-step process to determine “the different possibilities for satisfying sexual and intimacy needs at any level of cognitive ability.”
So your husband could potentially consent even if he doesn’t have the cognitive capacity to recognize you. But — and this is a big one — if the facility where he is receiving care doesn’t have a policy on sexual expression and hasn’t assessed his cognitive capacity to consent, you’re putting yourself and him at risk.
In 2014, an Iowa man was charged with sexually abusing his wife at a nursing home because staff believed she was incapable of consenting due to Alzheimer’s disease. Laws vary from state to state, and each facility has different training and policies, so continuing to have sex with your husband requires more communication.
I also worry that resentment over the abuse you suffered is what’s causing all of this, and I’m sorry about the way he treated you, but I don’t think this is a safe path to recovery.
Please send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Instagram Sign up for our weekly newsletter Source.
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