Ask Sahaj: I feel guilty moving away from my immigrant parents

I am now in my mid 20’s and moving to start medical school for the first time in my life. My brother and I lived at home even after graduating from university, so our parents were always by our side. I don’t think we know life without each other.

I know they are very proud and excited to have me on this new journey, but I can’t help but feel guilty about leaving. But especially for my mother, because my father travels frequently for work.

My grandmother tells me that she is sad that I am leaving because my father will be missing without me. How do I balance this exciting time in ? How do I stop feeling guilty about leaving my parents to go to school?

— daughter of guilt

Dear guilty daughter: It’s so nice to be so close to your parents. But feeling close to someone is different than feeling responsible for someone. You may feel uncomfortable being alone or away from home, but remember that this is a normal stage in life. people play a role. When this is interrupted, it is not uncommon for these changes to cause discomfort, disappointment, or guilt in family members.

Feelings are not necessarily facts. Sometimes it feels like you are doing something wrong because someone is not happy with what you are doing. But that doesn’t mean what you are doing is inherently wrong . This feeling may be overwhelming, but having it doesn’t make it true.

There are several strategies for learning to manage guilt. Some of these are:

• By identifying your parents’ beliefs and values ​​and exploring your own beliefs and values, you can redefine your own guilt merit. Are you internalizing what is expected of you?
• I know that if I don’t nourish myself, I won’t be able to show up for my loved ones as I am now.
• Remember that you can feel and recognize multiple emotions at the same time.your family can grieve you leaving When It may be right for you.can feel guilty about leaving When You can love your parents and family passionately.

You anticipate how others are feeling and seem to be on a very aware emotional watch. It seems that your family rather than acknowledging them as separate entities. This may point to a more intertwined family system where your actions and feelings are tied to those of family members and may be causing great guilt.

Have a question for Sahaji? Ask her here.

It is not uncommon for immigrant daughters to be the emotional caretakers in the family. It may be helpful for you to consider whether gender roles influenced the way you and your siblings were encouraged to show up in your family. It may be helpful to have a discussion with your brother about how you can keep things in line.

In my work with immigrant children, I have seen many suffer from unrealistic or high standards. I hear things like: The happiness of others is my responsibility. If my parents aren’t happy, I can’t be happy either. This can lead to feelings of unhelpful guilt that are not grounded in the realistic expectations that you and others have of yourself.

I’m afraid that the guilt you’re feeling serves no purpose. We recommend that you monitor that guilt. that is Bad daughter/granddaughter who left home. Guilt is a warning sign, a reminder to pause and reflect. A healthy sense of guilt calls attention to our morals, the pain and hurt we may inflict on others, or the social and cultural norms we cross. Ultimately, it helps you turn your moral or behavioral compass.

You have shown so much compassion for your parents and their journey to this country. Ultimately, they probably want what’s best for you. So be kind to yourself and remember that you are doing the best you can. Just as your parents have emigrated, you are navigating new terrain and new family dynamics. Your courage to carry that momentum forward is a beautiful thing.