Dear Amy: My sister died by suicide almost two years ago after suffering years of PTSD from a sexual assault that happened to her as a teenager.
I started a new job 3 months ago. I love all my colleagues.
We are prosecutors and advocates for victims. This is a difficult and painstaking task.
For my colleagues, this pressure translates into self-deprecating statements about mental health. Bad things happen in court.
In recent months, I have been forced to hide my displeasure in their jokes.
This seems to bring them together and proves that the work is hard. It would be embarrassing not to participate.
I waited patiently for the joke to end, but honestly, this happens almost every day.
As the holidays approached, my sister’s death became more and more difficult for me.
I want to speak up, but I don’t know how.
Wouldn’t it be better to skip one joke and accept being awkward when everyone is at the lunch table?
Or should I say that I’m struggling with the holidays approaching and it helps if I don’t get joked in front of them?
Or do you have another option?
– do not know
Dear Uncertainty: We are really sorry for the inconvenience.
I don’t claim to be a humor arbiter, but comments and jokes about violence and self-harm, such as “I almost killed myself” are tasteless and inappropriate regardless of context.
Yes, because of your situation, you are sensitive to comments like this, but others listening (clients, victims, fellow staff members) are also sensitive to comments of this kind. It is safe to assume that
You are in the trenches together, serving in very stressful conditions. There are many other ways to bond and blow off steam.
Since you are relatively new to work, your co-workers probably don’t know about your sister’s death.
On the spot, in front of others, you have to react to comments such as: And lie. You’ll get through to one or two in no time. Others are inspired to think about it.
There are tough times ahead. Increased number of trips to the toilet. Vacations are hard for people who have experienced loss, including nearly everyone. Be honest and kind to yourself and others.
Dear Amy: My wife and I have been married for several years.
She’s from the Midwest but now lives on the coast where I grew up.
That’s why I often introduce her to new people.
My wife is a nice and likable person.
But when she meets people for the first time, she sometimes opens up and says: Did you know there’s a doppelganger? She then describes how the two resemble old friends, acquaintances, or local celebrities from her past.
She always frames it in a positive light. Nevertheless, I tend to cringe because people don’t really want to hear how they are “just like someone else” even if it’s a compliment .
It seems to be an additional distraction from making a good first impression.
But my wife doesn’t seem to think this is a problem. I would like to hear your views on this.
– Worried Husband (Anonymous)
Dear Participant: This “resemblance” phenomenon occurs to me with some frequency. But so what? Opener.
While being told you look like someone you’ve never heard of isn’t the brightest conversation starter in the world, we recommend that this isn’t behavior you should feel like you need to fix.
Dear Amy: “Holding” wrote about how I met my husband 30 years ago when I was a “part-time sex worker.”
I am shocked and disappointed that you didn’t mention her occupation.
– upset
Dear Upset: “Holding” asked about her mother-in-law. She had her mother-in-law in her life, ready to judge her, so there was no need for me to stack up.
You can email Amy Dickinson at: [email protected] Or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.
