She criticizes me and writes off all past mistakes in my life. For example, when my first wife and I divorced, I made significant financial sacrifices to remain close to her daughter. My wife calls her daughter a “fat loser”. (She and her fiancé have good jobs, own a home, are self-sufficient, but are certainly overweight.)
She attacks me every time she gets drunk and brings up how rich she and I would have been if I hadn’t been near the “fat loser’s daughter” and drained my savings. Such episodes occur at least weekly. I spoke to her the next day and she stuck to her drinking rationale and blamed me for everything she could think of.
She claims it’s my fault she drinks. I don’t know what to do Her late mother also drank daily and behaved similarly. I love her wife but I don’t know how much emotional blow I can take. Sometimes I want to die. That way, at least she could get my insurance.
Devastation: Trying to discuss my wife’s drinking mostly sounds like more denials and rants. Because if her wife admits to her addiction or abusive behavior, she may have to stop drinking, but she doesn’t want to.
You might consider taking a video of your wife getting drunk and furious and using it to shock her into calling for help. Her behavior reveals her long-standing resentment of choices like staying close to her daughter at the expense of her increased income that communicate how good a person you are. How unfair she is and what a pity for you.
Don’t take these “emotional attacks”. In the short term, leave the room or home when this happens. Also, find yourself a counselor. Discussing this with a reasonable and compassionate professional can help ease your own despair. A “friends and family” program such as Al-Anon can help you deal with your wife’s drinking. Each other’s self-esteem and relationships are at stake. She hopes she can help.
Dear Amy: My 52 year old husband and I have been arguing about travel. He hates traveling, but I love visiting friends and new places. I don’t mind if he stays at home. I enjoy going with my girlfriend who likes hiking and exploring new destinations.
I work part-time to earn travel expenses. My husband says she has two trips a year (some camping trips only for 3 days) are enough to meet my needs. I never go out more than 4 times a year.
When I try to ignore his negative remarks, he starts saying to me from the moment I pack up until I return. “I don’t know why you can’t be happy at home.” I always leave the food I prepared for him. I’m not young anymore and I want to travel as much as possible. Can you help me?
I love traveling: I encourage you to sit down with your husband, make eye contact, and talk about your travel plans over the next few months. Ask him if he’d like to go with you or if the two of you want to plan a short road trip together. Listen to his reaction and calmly answer any questions. If he responds in a typical way, you can say, “I miss you, but honestly, the way you treat me made it easier.”
Dear Amy: “I want to go outside!” was very anxious due to the pandemic. I had a similar experience. When I had to go back to the office, I was overwhelmed with anxiety. I wasn’t sure if I had to drive or leave the house.
I wanted to go back to my normal life and wanted to cry. A year later, I saw a psychologist who prescribed antidepressants. It’s a real game changer! I still limit my driving, but my anxiety is greatly reduced. I am very happy to have your help.
Joe: thank you for sharing. We hope that you, our deeply concerned readers, will also follow your lead.
© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
