Dear Amy:
My wife and I have been social drinkers since the day we met over 40 years ago. Alcohol is always present at gatherings such as weddings, holidays, concerts and sporting events. I can have a few drinks and rest, but when it comes to my wife, not so much. She keeps ordering her drinks until 2am. And while it was sometimes silly and funny when we were younger, the end result was often embarrassing as we got older.
I became very concerned about my wife’s drinking and health. One night, when she pushed her limits, I filmed her, sent the video to her, and told her I didn’t want to be a part of that lifestyle anymore. I threw out all the alcohol in the house and neither of us have been drinking since. I rarely miss it and she had no problem quitting, but mentally it was very difficult for her. Alcohol was her social lubricant. Her alcohol helped her get over her social anxiety and self-esteem issues.
Now either she doesn’t attend events at all, or she is in such a bad mood that sometimes we leave early. How can I make her understand that I can still enjoy the same event without using her alcohol as a crutch?
— Sober Husband
Dear Siraf:
Your wife has managed to quit alcohol, but has not successfully addressed the underlying reasons for her use of alcohol in the first place. Recovery and Her Twelve Steps In her circle, her challenge might be called “Dry Drunk Syndrome.” She has lost her crutches and she is now limping and trying to live without crutches.
Even if your wife is prompted to quit drinking quickly (and supported by your calm support afterwards) by video-shaming the effects of alcohol abuse on her, an addiction specialist can help. By attending meetings at home, with a therapist, and/or with others in recovery. Spending regular time talking to others who are similarly struggling “white” toward recovery may help you understand her anxious reactions and make her feel less alone.
We hope that you will be patient and supportive as she continues her life-changing recovery process.
Dear Amy:
My partner and I broke up. I have become blind. I thought he was happy with me even though he struggled with depression and undiagnosed (but obvious) ADHD. I also have depression, so I understand the need for flexibility. I never cornered him for not wanting to go out and went alone. We had a lot in common and had a healthy rapport. I was sad and confused when he said he wanted to break up. I started crying and asked him why he was doing this. He replied that it was selfish of him to want me to stay with him as a couple. He said he felt trapped. I didn’t expect to hear that either.
I have always thought of myself as a giving, loving person. I never imagined someone would call me selfish. It hurt almost as much as a breakup. I told him he wouldn’t stay where he wasn’t wanted and arranged to move. Is loving someone a selfish act?
— suddenly single
Dear Sudden Singles:
People say hurtful things when they push their partner. The way I interpret your ex’s “selfish” remarks reminds me of the old adage, “If you love something, let it go.” Your ex-partner says that he feels trapped in the relationship and that it’s selfish to encourage him to stay in a relationship that (in his opinion) he no longer wants to be involved with. And…he is right. In that context, pressuring someone to stay in a relationship can be a selfish act.
This does not mean that you are a selfish person. You are in the unfortunate position of a depressed man who may be spiraling. It would be most kind of you to offer to leave amicably and leave the door to friendship open, even if you are hurt.
Dear Amy:
“Time’s Tick Away” lied and tried to cheat on her longtime partner, but you encouraged her to do so. I can’t believe you are so heartless.
– upset
Dear Upset:
I didn’t encourage her to leave. I encouraged her to be honest and understand the consequences of her choices.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or write to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook. can also do.)
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