- Relationship coach Michelle Panning documented her 30-day attempt at “rejection therapy.”
- Although this is not an officially recognized treatment, two therapists said it is a type of exposure therapy.
- By making small requests consistently, you’ll be better able to deal with rejection.
Michelle Panning remembers being afraid of rejection from childhood.
“It’s a feeling that comes up inside you, like, ‘Open your mouth and listen,'” Panning, 35, told BI. She always stopped herself from asking for something because she was worried about what would happen if the other person said no.
Panning then met entrepreneur and blogger Jia Jiang. A person who tried “rejection therapy” for 100 daysmake demands on yourself, such as asking a stranger for $100. Jean gradually desensitized herself from the shame and fear she felt when she was rejected.
Inspired by this, Panning decided to try it himself and record it. 30 Day Rejection Therapy Challenge on her TikTok channel. Panning’s series resonated with viewers and racked up millions of views.
rachel goldbergGen Z, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said Gen Z can suffer from rejection, especially after the pandemic. “So many people have stopped putting themselves out there,” she told BI.
technology It’s now easier too self-isolate to avoid Discomfort or conflict. She said some of her teenage clients avoid answering the phone because it’s hard to carry on a conversation, preferring to email them about changes in plans.
Over time, this will have an impact. “The main predictor of success is your ability to tolerate failure.” Lauren FarinaHe is a qualified clinical social worker, he told BI. Dispelling rejection is an important part of that.
Although “rejection therapy” is not a research-backed treatment (the term originally created Both Goldberg and Farina said that gradual exposure to rejection helps develop confidence.
Rejection therapy gently exposes you to your worst fears
Rejection therapy falls under exposure therapy, a common treatment for conditions such as OCD, anxiety, and PTSD.
“The ultimate goal is to reduce the intensity of the fear response and promote confidence,” Goldberg said. You have the advantage of being more secure and in control, and practicing on your own time.
Panning has created a list of challenges she would be willing to take on if she said yes, such as feeding a crocodile at the zoo. She went through the list in random order and selected a new challenge each day.
“If your heart starts racing, you’re like, ‘Yeah, that’s it. I’m doing that now,'” she said.
“Yes” led to memorable experiences, including standing in the store as a living mannequin.
Over time, she became accustomed to the experience of asking.
“It’s just another thing on my to-do list,” she said. “I wasn’t scared anymore.”
How you carry yourself is important
Asking a stranger for a hug was the most difficult item on Panning’s list because it’s especially vulnerable. She said her fear showed in her body language.
“My energy was saying, ‘I don’t want this hug,'” she said.
She remembers wandering the aisles until she found someone she was approachable, and then rushing out of the store when she was turned away.
The way she carried herself made a huge difference in how people reacted to her. People were more receptive and friendly if she smiled, stood tall and was active, even if she said no. The important thing was to act as if she believed she had the right to ask questions and that she would be okay no matter the reaction.
start small
If you want to try your own rejection therapy, start small and focus on what feels impossible, Goldberg says. Jumping into big demands can be discouraging if you receive a harsh response.
Farina recommends starting by writing a list of tasks that scare you and ranking them. Start with the least dangerous ones and slowly increase the levels.
For example, you can ask a new coworker to buy you a cup of coffee or text a friend about a concert you want to go to. “Try it a few times a week, then process the experience by recording your reactions in a journal or talking about it with a trusted friend,” Goldberg said.
Farina and Goldberg said it’s important to be consistent and practice making requests regularly. Even if you get a “yes” answer, you won’t make much progress with just one question.
Panning’s experience has made it easier for her to make requests without thinking twice, which has improved her relationships.
“I feel like I can really assert my needs, my desires, my boundaries,” she said. “Because I know that rejection is not my problem.”
