Dear Eric: I have a younger sister, Beth, who suffers from treatment-resistant depression. I have another sister, “Joe”, who is physically and mentally healthy but has had a really rough year. Joe usually hosts family events.
A few weeks ago, Joe texted our group chat saying there would be no Spoons to host this year. I volunteered for the Thanksgiving event and my brother made reservations for Christmas.
Beth pointed out the problem with Joe “spooning” when he is not chronically ill or mentally ill. Beth said the spoon theory belongs to people with mental illness and chronic illness, just as marginalized groups reclaim their former vilification.
Joe has amended his comment to say he doesn’t have the bandwidth to host this year. Beth said, “Look, you know you can do better.” Even if Beth was right, her tone and phrasing really kicked Joe off while she was depressed. .
I would like to talk to Beth about this matter. Before that, was her decision correct in the first place? If so, how would I explain to her that Joe wasn’t depressed, but was still having a ton of trouble?
– Jump over bandwidth
Dear Bandwidth: It’s sad that Beth was given the opportunity to express empathy and instead chose to reprimand. That’s not an effective teaching method. “The Spoon Theory” is a 2003 blog post that describes how, as someone living with lupus, you have limited mental, physical, or emotional energy to accomplish the tasks of the day. A term coined by Christine Miserandino as a way to describe what something is.
Over the years since then, this therapy has been adopted by many people living with other chronic illnesses, disabilities, or health problems; The effects may not be visible to those who are not living with the problem. By the way, the comparison with the recycled slur is inaccurate and unnecessarily inflammatory.
That said, the sharpness of Beth’s response is to speak of her suffering, or perhaps the legitimate suffering that her own struggles are not always acknowledged in the same way that Joe’s suffering is acknowledged. Let’s say it was.
Miserandino’s blog is: ButYouDontLookSick.com. This name reminds us that we never know what another person is suffering from. Joe’s tough year is no less challenging than Beth’s, but empathy is not a finite resource. If Beth had no desire to express sympathy for Joe, she might have closed the chat and returned to it.
When talking to Beth, start with compassion. Ask if there are any areas where she feels unattracted and unsupported. Ask how you can help and be heard. And let me remind you that Joe overcomes his own challenges too. Encourage them to apologize or at least write a second draft of the conversation.
(Please direct questions to R. Eric Thomas. [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Instagram Sign up for our weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com. )
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